Why I Can Never Be Pope
With a new Pope recently being elected, many people were wondering why I didn’t run for Pope. There are many reasons. Below are just a few reasons:
- I’d have to live in Vatican City. – Don’t get me wrong: The Vatican would be a beautiful place to live. The problem is that neither the Capitals, Redskins, nor Nationals play any games in Italy.
- I have a daughter. – I would have to fly to the United States every other weekend for my custody visits. I am not too sure the College of Cardinals would be too thrilled with my daughter sleeping over or having slumber parties at the Vatican.
- I’d have to remain chaste. – Not happening.
- The Latin I speak is not the same as the Latin spoken in the Vatican. I am not sure if they would understand, “Ourway atherfay owhay artway inway eavenhay…” as the beginning of the Lord’s Prayer.
- The College of Cardinals would probably be upset if they found out I bet $20 on the Electoral College to beat them in the Tipoff Classic.
- I don’t like wearing robes. I’ll wear the beanie if I have to, but the only robe I wear is a bathrobe whilst sitting by the fireplace and enjoying a cognac or five.
- I am not Catholic. – This might be the biggest hurdle of all. Going without meat on Fridays scares me sometimes.
I would like to thank people who wanted me to be a pope. Please don’t consider me for pope though as I don’t think it would be a good idea for either myself or the Catholic Church.
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