Just Some Things

I have to make a few things clear.  I like helping out my supporters when I can.  However; there are things that I cannot or will not do:

• To the high school senior girls and boy who asked me to be their date for their prom:  I am deeply flattered, but I am afraid I am unable to attend any proms as a date.  The truth is that I am old enough to be your father and would feel creepy having my way with someone half my age after the prom.  I would be honored to be a guest at your graduation party.
• I am uncomfortable at weddings:  This does not mean I will not attend your wedding if I am honored enough to be invited.  It means that I feel for any man who is about to get shackled into marriage.  Shackles bother me.  I would be honored to be invited to a bachelor party.  I will not talk you out of your marriage.  What you do in your bedroom is none of my business.  As a patron of several nudie bars, I can help you get a discount for your party.

There are also things that I can and (schedule permitting), will do:

• I would be honored to attend a baptism:  I can even attend a baby’s baptism now that I know that it’s shake hands and kiss babies, not the other way around.  
• Speak at your club or organization*:  While I would prefer that it has something to do with a subject that would allow me to incorporate why I am the best candidate for president, it is not a prerequisite in order for me to speak.  (* – I refuse to speak at movie clubs as I continue to boycott the Cinemafia’s motion picture industry.)

If you meet the criteria and wish for me to attend any of your events, please send me an e-mail at ahmnodtheare@politician.com or I can be reached at (507)-AHMNODT.