Introduction: I come to Philadelphia and I realize it has been a long time since any of Philadelphia’s sports have won a championship. I never knew one city could have a massive collection of lousy sports teams.

Vice-President Position: I do not wish to be the vice-president at this time. I’m not very good at hiding. I want more out my next four years than going to funerals around the world every time an important foreigner dies.

Senator Obama’s Quote: “They get bitter, and they cling to guns or they cling to their religion or they cling to antipathy toward people who are not like them.” They are not bitter because they have guns or are religious. They are bitter because Philadelphia hasn’t seen one of their professional sports teams win a championship since the Phillies somehow won one in 1980.

Senator Clinton’s Quote: “Senator Obama can’t win.” Neither of them can win because neither of them (or John McCain) understands the magnitude of my campaign.

Jeramiah Wright: I would make him the White House Chaplin. Although he has made a few controversial remarks, I think he can be a positive influence on me and the future of this country. I would invite Senator Obama to Sunday Service in the White House. As far as walking out on Rev. Wright, I would only walk out if I had to pee really really bad or if he was taking too long and I was going to miss the kickoff of the football game.

Bosnia Misstatement: I understand making a misstatement like that. I was telling people that I got shot in the doctor’s office the last time I went. I didn’t make it clear that I received a tetanus shot and not shot by a bullet. It happens to the best of us.

American Flag: I believe in wearing an American Flag pin wherever I go, whether it’s to a campaign speech or a strip club, I want people to know I am patriotic and I love my country.

Troops Out of Iraq: It seems that the only person trying to make a real peaceful solution is former President Carter. He has gone to the Middle East and tried to negotiate with terrorists. We will need more of this if we are to have peace in the Middle East.

Iran and Nukes: If Iran were to attack Israel with nuclear weapons, we would wait for actions Israel takes before taking any action ourselves. This “proactive” foreign policy we have now has cost lives and money.

Taxes: I would tax everybody 100%. I would give a percentage back every week depending on how much we spend. I would ideally spend as little as needed so that everybody can get their money back. There might be weeks when people wouldn’t get much back - like if we had a Katrina situation in Wyoming or something like that.

Social Security: I would cover some of it under my proposed tax plan. The rest would be covered with programs I have suggested like “Premium dog food at generic prices” so seniors will not starve.

Guns: I would make it easier to get a gun for most people. Incidents like Virginia Tech would have never happened everybody packed heat. Who would rather shoot? The big, strong guy with no gun or the granny with an Uzi? I’m shooting the big guy in a heart beat. I would give the granny my wallet.

Affirmative Action: I would do away with the stupid surveys that come with job applications. I can tell if a person is Black or White just by looking at the person.

Education: “No Child Left Behind” is not working. I would replace it with tools vital for children when they become adults. I will make sure people know how to pass a drug-employment screening test. People should also know how to talk their way out of getting a speeding ticket. I know Magellan was the first to travel around the world. But knowing that tidbit hasn’t made it any easier for me to get any job I have ever held.

Gas Prices: I would drill everywhere we need to drill for oil: From ANWR to the California coast to the body from rock musician Meat Loaf. The more oil we can get domestically, the less we need to get from OPEC.

President Bush: I would ask his advice on women. Not because he is a man-about-town, but because he has only been married once. I only want to get married once. Alimony and Child Support are painful reminders of the family you no longer have. I would ask him advice on what to look for in a woman.