The War on “War”

One of the biggest arguments we Americans have is whether we should be fighting wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Canada.  Proponents of war say it’s the only way we can stop the enemy.  Opponents of war say that the proponents only want war because they lack the speaking skills needed for diplomacy.  While this explains why Republicans are for war, it doesn’t explain why Democrats are against war.

I am finding that my position on war is not very popular with Star Trek fans.  Doug Kamakachi is a candidate from California running as an independent with the intent of implementing the Democratic Party platform.  He claims that Democrats can’t seem to implement their platform so he will do it for them.

Doug doesn’t like my position on war because he is a Trekkie and doesn’t want to see William Shatner deported.  He also saved money on this Caribbean getaway by booking his cruise on priceline.com.  He wants to end all wars (including the wars Americans aren’t involved in) and remove bases from every country except Switzerland.  He claims that having a base in Switzerland will help the Swiss end their neutrality and become an ally with the United States.   I think it is because Doug gets turned on when Heidi is yodeling.

Why I am an Independent

People often ask me why I am running for President as an Independent and not as a Republican or a Democrat. They often claim that I do not have a chance because I do not belong to either party.

Some reasons why I am not a Republican:

• War: Republicans love to declare war on everybody (as long as their children don’t have to fight.) I believe war should be limited to the most extreme circumstances. (Like Canada.) They also believe that a soldier should be a soldier 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I believe a soldier should only have to be a soldier from 9AM to 5PM from Monday through Friday. They should have weekends and holidays off like everybody else.
• Surveillance: Republicans believe that we should be spying on anybody who can be considered a national threat. I think that surveillance equipment should only be used on the hottest women and only in showers and bedrooms.

Some reasons why I am not a Democrat:

• Bailouts: Democrats believe that we should bailout existing companies who are in trouble as a way to create jobs. I believe these are the last companies to go to for job creation. I have stated in the past that bailouts are better suited to go to companies who are either financially sound or no longer exist.
• Health Care: Democrats believe that government should play a role by helping pay for health care for people who can’t afford it. I believe the way to make health care affordable is by cutting costs. I am a proponent of prevention. The only role government should play in health care is planting apple trees everywhere. An apple a day will keep the doctor away, thus saving on trips to the doctor.

The vision for America that Democrats and Republicans have is too different for me to join either party. I believe that I am not the only person who feels this way towards both parties. This is why I am running as an Independent.

Filling a Void

Now that the Presidential Race of 2008 is done and over with, many Americans feel empty with the lack of Presidential Campaign news.  Many candidates will not start their campaigns until next year.  This is just one reason why I am campaigning now.  Americans can’t get enough of this stuff.

I came to this realization Tuesday night at the Ahmnodt Heare meetup in Las Vegas.  At first I thought it was just going to be a bunch of senior citizens wanting to be fed.  I found that many people had issues that weren’t being met by either President Obama nor by John McCain.

They loved my jobs and stimulus plan.  They also like that I think outside the box.   But we don’t agree on everything.

While the seniors liked my plan on making sure they are fed, they frankly wished I leave Celine Dion alone.  Many of them find her entertaining.  I don’t know if she is actually entertaining or if senility has set in among the seniors, but I will have to assume the former for now.

Some of the people at the meetup thought my “9-5 War” would be better served if we invaded California.  I tried to explain to them that California is part of the United States and that they generate revenue that our country needs.  One gentleman brought up a valid point though.  He said that the “entertainers in Hollywood” really aren’t any better than the ones imported from Canada.  I will look at this situation further before deciding how to handle it.

I am looking for other Presidential candidates who are interested in debating the issues.  If you know anybody, please have them contact me.

No Ameros in my Wallet

I am against the creation of a multinational currency.  Multinational currencies like the Amero and the Euro are the first phase in merging nations.  This would ruin the entertainment industry and it would turn my “9-5 war” against Canada into a civil war.  If I wanted to have currency of foreigners in my wallet, I’d go to other countries more often.

I can’t see people shopping in an “Amero Store” like they do a dollar store.  I doubt it will catch on.  People will not be watching “The Six Million Amero Man.”  It just sounds too weird.  The “Amero Value Menu” wouldn’t sound very appetizing.

I urge all Americans to write President-Elect Obama, your senators and congresspeople, and your favorite sports team’s captain and tell them “No” to the Amero.

Unable to Attend Speaking Engagement

I am writing this post from a hotel room in Plattsburgh, NY.  I was supposed to be in Montreal preparing for my keynote speech this Friday night at McGill University.  I gave the Canadian Customs official my driver’s license.  She told me that I was not allowed in Canada.

I tried to explain that when I would declare war on Canada, it would only be weekdays from 9-5 and I would leave all hockey brinks and Tim Horton’s intact so Canadians could continue enjoying being Canadians.  She thanked me for being considerate of Canadian culture, but then explained why I am not allowed in Canada.

I am not allowed in Canada because I was unhappy with the results of the International Ameoba Battles and I was more vocal than the Sport Canada cared to hear.  My suggesting that the Chinese ameboa might have been using performance enhancing drugs enraged both the Chinese communities in Vancouver and Sport Canada officials.

I did not mean to offend anybody by my accusations, but by looking at the Chinese ameoba during the match, performance enhancement is the only logical answer.

Ahmnodt Heare to Give Keynote Speech

Independent presidential candidate Ahmnodt Heare will be giving a keynote speech on U.S. – Canadian relations at McGill University in Montreal this Friday.  Extra security will be provided as some Canadians differ than Heare in how to improve relations.  Anne Murray will also be speaking at McGill.

Cleric Urges Boycott of Ahmnodt Heare’s Website

Maimammah Atoldmi, cleric of a mosque in Casper, WY, spoke to a crowd yesterday denouncing Ahmnodt Heare and called for boycotting his blog.

“Ahmnodt Heare says one thing and does another.  He claims to want war against Canada, but said America would be better off if we dismissed Sharia Law and instead followed Shania Law.  Doesn’t this dumbskull know that Shania Twain is Canadian?

“Not only should we boycott his website, but we should all proclaim the potential evil an Ahmnodt Heare presidency can cause.  ‘Life begins at 40.’  What kind of abortion position is that?  His ‘video survellience on the hottest women’ position suggests he is a pervert with impure thoughts about women.

“I urge everybody in exposing Ahmnodt Heare for the fraud that he is!”