The Last 24 Hours

The last 24 hours have been busy between campaign obligations and personal things I needed to get done.  Some of the things took longer than I would have liked.

1:30PM – Went to doctor to get cast removed from ankle from my hiking incident in Colorado in August.  I spent almost three hours in the doctor’s office as the waiting room with ailments ranging from the swine flu and influenza to Simple Chronic Halitosis and epidermis exposure.  I am limping, but that should diminish as I get used to putting weight on my foot again.

4:30 – Headed to the supermarket to get food, chips, and beverages for the football game between the Redskins and the Eagles.  I was stuck behind a woman with 30 items in a “12 Items or Less” lane.  She apparently had tapped all of her credit and debit cards.

7:00 – Gave the Hell’s Angels speech.  I had spent so much time in the doctor’s office and the supermarket that I didn’t have an idea on what to speak about.  Fortunately, I was able to hear some Hell’s Angles member talk about how cold it was here but how hot it still was in Florida.  I came up with the concept of Local Warming.  Local Warming differs from Global Warming in that parts of the country that needs warming would be warmed while other parts would be cooled until a universal temperature is reached.  They were skeptical as to how I was going to do this, although it seemed they liked the idea.  I told them I would look into it and would come back in two months with a viable plan.

9:45 – Got home later than I wanted to.  The Redskins were already losing 17-3.  I gave up on cooking a meal for the game and just munched on chips while washing it down with Mountain Dew.

4:15AM – I found out that my neighbor’s dog gets irritated by the passing of fire trucks.

10:00AM – I found out that Facebook had shut down the “Orgies for Abstinence” event page.  Somebody was “offended.”  I do not know if the person was offended because he or she finds orgies or abstinence offensive or if this person felt slighted because I did not offer a personal invitation.

It’s off to work I go, followed by an evening of relaxation.

Returning to Kingston

This is my first time in Kingston since I gave a speech on global warming to the Polar Bear Club in February.  There was a layover and I got off the bus to stretch my legs.  I ran into one of the people who attended the speech.  She seemed to be a bit dilusional though.  She thanked me for the great job I was doing in running the country and appreciated that I had stopped global warming in Kingston.

I tried to tell her that I am not the president yet and I had nothing to do with stopping global warming, but she ran off, saying that she had to catch the robotic butterfly hovering over a garbage can at the other end of the bus terminal.

Climate Change

I don’t understand the fuss about climate change. There is a saying about Cleveland’s weather: “If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes.” Climate changes everywhere. It is cold and snowy in the winter, but changes to mild and rainy in the spring. The hot and sunny in the summer changes to cool and breezy in the autumn.

Climate changes every day. There is a high and low temperature. The two are seldom if ever the same. Climate has been changing from hot to cold to hot to cold as long as there has been weather.

I am concerned about global warming and am willing to implement my solution as soon as I take office.

A Look at my Platform – The Environment

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on the environment.

My position on global warming after spending time studying it is that it is warmer in the summer than in the winter. Global Warming and any possible nuclear holocaust can be eliminated in one easy step. Aim all our nukes at the sun and fire away!

Many environmental studies bother me.  (Especially the studies on global warming.)  None of the studies look at one very important fact:  It is warmer in the summer than in the winter.  While we should be fighting global warming in the summer, we should encourage it as much as possible in the winter.  Sub-zero (Fahrenheit, not Canadian) temperatures are brutal and must come to a stop.

Aiming nuclear missiles at the sun does two very important functions.  The first function is it will cool off everybody (especially those in the deserts).  The second function is that it will rid us of nuclear weapons and the possibility of one of them accidentally detonating.

Aiming all of our nuclear weapons will stop global warming and eliminate a chance of a nuclear accident.  It’s killing two birds with one stone.  I will make sure those birds are not on the endangered species list.

Garden State Garden Club Speech

I will be giving a speech on Global Warming today at the Garden State Garden Club (GSGC) at the Dorothy Henry Library in Vernon, NJ at 12:00.  This is the same speech and the same place as the one I gave to the New Jersey Skiers Association.  I was promised by the president of the GSGC that I will receive a warmer reception today than I did then.  She also said that I would receive a warmer reception, not because of global warming, but the gardeners would be more receptive to encouraging global warming in the winter than the skiers were.

It is a beautiful day with near-record warmth for the day.  I would neither encourage or discourage global warming this time of the year because the weather is normally just perfect.

Heading Home Early

I was supposed to go to Newburgh, NY tomorrow afternoon, but a snowstorm is headed this way.  I will leave for home first thing in the morning.  I’ll bet you there is a global warming conference somewhere in the Northeast.  There is always a global warming conference during a snowstorm.

Excerpts from my Speech to the Polar Bear Club

The following is an excerpt of the speech I will be giving to the Polar Bear Club in Kingston, NY this afternoon.  It is on global warming.

I would like to thank the Polar Bear Club for inviting me to Kingston to speak today.  Thank you for the warm reception.  The warm reception is almost warm enough to cause global warming.

I know that people in the Polar Bear Club like to go swimming in the winter.  I would like to go swimming in the winter also, but it is too cold.  This is why I am suggesting that we encourage global warming in the winter.

There are some people who want it year round.  But it is already warm in the summer.  The summer would be a good time to fight global warming.  Right now, we much encourage it.

It is too cold today for me to swim in my Speedos.  It is too cold to walk in the park just wearing shorts and a t-shirt.  The saddest part about the lack of global warming in the winter is that it is too cold for the hotties to wear thongs on the beach.  Imagine the irony of that.

If I am elected president, I will assure that fighting global warming will only occur during the hottest months.

Former Vice-President Al Gore knows what causes global warming.