Why Movies Are Expensive (A Pig Latin Speech)

The following is the “Another Reason Why Movies Are Expensive” post from February 1, 2009 written in Pig Latin.  I will occasionally translate posts into other languages so that Americans who don’t speak English do not feel excluded.  Today, I am reaching out to the Pig Latino community.

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Ahmnodtway Earehay orfay Americaway. Ahmnodtway Earehay orfay ouyay.

Adding Security Features

I have decided to add encryption features on my computer, my cell phone, and my Speak and Spell.  I can not afford another episode like the hacking episode last May.  My campaign continues to grow and my opponents are now beginning to notice.  While I don’t have the NSA to encrypt my communications like one of my opponents, I will have top-notch encryption.

The encryption will work like this:

If I type something like:

My campaign schedule will bring me to Kansas, Michigan, and Oregon.

The encryption will look like this:

jghgfhgghfghjgahmnodtheareisastudnmmnbcvxfgfhj

I will continue to step up and meet the challenges of my opponents and of America.  I thank you for your continued support.

A Painful Reminder

There are people who want to be like me.  While I am deeply honored, being like me is not for anybody.  Not because I do bad things, but the stress of doing things as well as I do can be stressful.  Some people have died trying to be like me, and that thought gnaws on me.

I was reminded of this tragic fact while checking the spam filter from this blog.  It was an advertisement for erectile dysfunction drugs.  Every time I see an ad for erectile dysfunction drugs, I think of the poor men who died from heart attacks because they wanted to be like me.

Don’t let electile dysfunction let you down.  Pleasing women is hard for men with erectile dysfunction, but they can lick it.

I Miss Global Warming

I remember the good old days when we had global warming.  Winter days were often relatively mild.  There were fewer snowstorms and hardly ever any sub-zero days.

Today is yet another bitter cold day.  Icicles all over the place, the snow frozen hard, and people’s breaths are visible.  It will get colder tomorrow.  It will be cold for the foreseeable future.

If I was president, I would take the steps necessary to assure global warming during the winter.  I will, however; not tolerate global warming during the summer.  It is hot enough during the summer.

The time is now for global warming.  Write your congressperson and your senators and demand global warming now!

I Guess It’s for the Better

Last month I wrote a compelling letter to New York Governor David Patterson. I had asked him to consider me for the Senate seat vacated when Hillary Clinton became Secretary of State.  He decided not to choose me and instead decided to pick Rep. Kirsten Gillibrand. I can’t say I blame him.  If given a choice between picking me and a hottie, I would pick a hottie too.

But there is something to consider.  I am running for president, not senator.  Critics say I don’t have enough experience to be taken seriously as a presidential candidate.   They are correct.  I have never had a job where I could vote myself a pay raise.  I have never made deals to raise money for my campaign.  I have never had an illicit relationship with a hottie  (Though I have tried).

Now that I don’t have to worry about being a senator, I can spend more time on my presidential campaign.

NOTE:  Please take part in my poll.

Walk-a-Thon Canceled

I was going to walk across the country starting this weekend to raise awareness for affordable entertainment.  I have run into a couple of problems along the way:

• The weather:  While I know it is cold in the winter, this is my first winter north of the Mason-Dixon Line in a few years.  I had forgotten how COLD it gets up here.  I could only imagine how much colder it would be if we weren’t warming the planet by using air-conditioners.
• The planning:  Google says the trip should take 37 days and 14 hours.  That is assuming I am going to walk non-stop between the moment I start and the moment I arrive in San Diego.  I haven’t walked in my sleep in years.
• The path chosen has the fewest supporters.  I have created a revised map to include visiting supporters.
• With all the revisions and walking only 8 hours a day, it would take me 183 days to complete the walk.

The additional days would be a drain on my budget.  With the 7-day plan, I had enough money to stay at a hotel every night.  Under the current plan, I would have to crash at my supporters’ trailers.  I cannot impose myself like that.

I will find a way to make this work.  America must find out about the ills of the CineMafia.  This is my life mission.

Sausage Parfait

Unlike the Strawberry Stroganoff recipe I posted recently, this recipe is something I conjured up one day.  The secret to my sausage parfait is the sausage.  I use breakfast sausage links and I marinate them in maple syrup prior to cooking.

2 cups cooked sausage links – shredded
4 cups milk, divided use
2/3 cup granulated sugar
3/4 teaspoon salt
2 large eggs
1 tablespoon maple syrup
1 cup blueberries
1 cup frozen whipped topping, thawed

1. Place frozen links in shallow baking pan. Bake at 325oF for 18 to 20 minutes or until meat is no longer pink inside.  Place cooked sausage in blender and set to puree for 2 minutes.
2. Combine shredded sausage, 3 1/2 cups milk, sugar and salt in 2-quart saucepan.
3. Cook over medium-high heat, stirring frequently, until thick and creamy, 15 to 20 minutes.
4. Beat eggs and remaining 1/2 cup milk together. Stir into sausage mixture. Cook 2 minutes longer, stirring constantly. Add maple syrup. Cool.
5. Combine blueberries and whipped topping.
6. Using 1 cup parfait glasses*, alternate sausage pudding and blueberry mixture.

Makes 6 servings.

Be sure to check out the Breakfast Pot Pie and the Limburger Cheesecake!