Do Not Forget!

Today is Election Day.  It is important that you vote.  New Jersey and Virginia will vote for a governor.  New York City will vote for a mayor.  Upstate New York will vote for an interim congressperson.

You should vote today even if the most important office up for grabs in your community is “dog catcher.”  Local elections are important because these are the people who write the pesky little laws that makes living in your town a sucky experience.

After you perform your patriotic duty by voting, you can experience what it is like to be a politician treating his or her constituents by attending an “Orgies for Abstinence” event taking place throughout the country.  If you can’t find one, then feel free to host one among friends.  Remember that Orgies for Abstinence is like War for Peace – only more fun!

Now get out and vote!

Orgies for Abstinence

The United States have historically fought wars for peace.  It must be working because we have been doing it for years.  It is in this spirit that I believe we should promote abstinence through orgies.

Abstinence is important because those who abstain from sex are less likely to get pregnant, transmit sexually transmitted diseases, and wake up next to a person they do not know.  Those who abstain from sex are also more likely to watch the news and be informed on the issues, including the “war for peace” approach.

I hope to have a list of places that will participate in the “Orgies for Abstinence” next week.  If you support abstinence, then feel free to participate at an orgy near you.

Special Radio Show – “State of America”

I will be doing a very special show tonight at 7PM Eastern on the state of America.  I will also take phone calls from listeners.  The number if you wish to call is (347) 945-7487.  Tell all of your friends and half of your enemies.  Together we can try to save America!

Filling a Void

Now that the Presidential Race of 2008 is done and over with, many Americans feel empty with the lack of Presidential Campaign news.  Many candidates will not start their campaigns until next year.  This is just one reason why I am campaigning now.  Americans can’t get enough of this stuff.

I came to this realization Tuesday night at the Ahmnodt Heare meetup in Las Vegas.  At first I thought it was just going to be a bunch of senior citizens wanting to be fed.  I found that many people had issues that weren’t being met by either President Obama nor by John McCain.

They loved my jobs and stimulus plan.  They also like that I think outside the box.   But we don’t agree on everything.

While the seniors liked my plan on making sure they are fed, they frankly wished I leave Celine Dion alone.  Many of them find her entertaining.  I don’t know if she is actually entertaining or if senility has set in among the seniors, but I will have to assume the former for now.

Some of the people at the meetup thought my “9-5 War” would be better served if we invaded California.  I tried to explain to them that California is part of the United States and that they generate revenue that our country needs.  One gentleman brought up a valid point though.  He said that the “entertainers in Hollywood” really aren’t any better than the ones imported from Canada.  I will look at this situation further before deciding how to handle it.

I am looking for other Presidential candidates who are interested in debating the issues.  If you know anybody, please have them contact me.

How I Would Solve the Israeli – Palestinian Mess

Israel and Palestine have been going at it since I was a kid.  There have been moments of truces only to end up with both sides fighting again.  My solution is two-fold:  Bomb Israel, Gaza, and the West Bank with reefer bombs and to set up falafel and kabob stands near the bombed areas.

Marijuana puts the mind at ease.  People aren’t in the mood to fight when they are stoned.  Marijuana also causes the munchies.  If America ran the falafel and kabob stands I mentioned earlier, then we will be able to pay for the reefer bombings without using taxpayers’ dollars.

A well-fed and stoned people is a happy and peaceful people.  This will bring peace to the Middle East.

No Ameros in my Wallet

I am against the creation of a multinational currency.  Multinational currencies like the Amero and the Euro are the first phase in merging nations.  This would ruin the entertainment industry and it would turn my “9-5 war” against Canada into a civil war.  If I wanted to have currency of foreigners in my wallet, I’d go to other countries more often.

I can’t see people shopping in an “Amero Store” like they do a dollar store.  I doubt it will catch on.  People will not be watching “The Six Million Amero Man.”  It just sounds too weird.  The “Amero Value Menu” wouldn’t sound very appetizing.

I urge all Americans to write President-Elect Obama, your senators and congresspeople, and your favorite sports team’s captain and tell them “No” to the Amero.

Cleric Urges Boycott of Ahmnodt Heare’s Website

Maimammah Atoldmi, cleric of a mosque in Casper, WY, spoke to a crowd yesterday denouncing Ahmnodt Heare and called for boycotting his blog.

“Ahmnodt Heare says one thing and does another.  He claims to want war against Canada, but said America would be better off if we dismissed Sharia Law and instead followed Shania Law.  Doesn’t this dumbskull know that Shania Twain is Canadian?

“Not only should we boycott his website, but we should all proclaim the potential evil an Ahmnodt Heare presidency can cause.  ‘Life begins at 40.’  What kind of abortion position is that?  His ‘video survellience on the hottest women’ position suggests he is a pervert with impure thoughts about women.

“I urge everybody in exposing Ahmnodt Heare for the fraud that he is!”