The Wrong Trip Home

I arrived at the bus station just before the bus for New York was supposed to leave. It was hard to see where the bus said its destination was. I asked someone boarding the bus if the bus was going to New York. She said, “Yep.” I followed the lady, handed my ticket to the bus driver, and sat down.

The bus was in Massachusetts an hour later and heading west towards Albany. Looking at snowy farms for an extended period of time made me want to napped. The smooth purring of the diesel engine relaxed me enough to sleep.

”We are approaching Syracuse… Syracuse next stop!”

I went to the bus driver and asked him what time we were going to be in New York City… He chuckled and said that this bus isn’t going to New York City, but to Buffalo. I departed the bus in Syracuse.I went to the ticket agent and changed my destination from New York City to Harrisburg (the bus’s final destination) because Harrisburg is closer to my home in Washington than New York.

The bus arrived in Harrisburg shortly before 6PM. The temperature started to drop and the wind began to pick up. Flurries swirled in the air. The parking lot and the sidewalk were icy in spots. I tweaked my hamstring just before I entered the terminal. I limped to the ticket agent and told her I wanted to go to Washington D.C.. She gave me two tickets, one to New York and one from New York to Washington.

The bus for New York was scheduled to leave at 8:15 and arrive in New York City at 11:45PM. The bus to Washington was to leave at Midnight and arrive in Washington at 4:10AM.The trip was smooth until just before the bus arrived at the Lincoln Tunnel. Traffic was almost at a standstill. It was 11:20 when we hit the traffic and 12:05 when the bus pulled in the terminal.

The bus for Washington had just left and I was stranded at the terminal.The next bus was at 6:00 AM. Buses leave on the hour until Midnight. I was thinking about going to a hotel for the night, but I wanted to get home as soon as possible. I have a speech to give to the Masturbators of America in Fairfax, VA at 7:30PM. The theme of the speech will be, “Get a Grip!”I sat in the waiting area. A middle-aged woman approached me and asked for money, I told her that I couldn’t give her money because it might be looked as buying a vote. She told me what to do in her colorful New York vernacular.

The bus came at 5:50. I gave the driver my ticket and sat behind him. I was asleep before the bus pulled out. I didn’t wake up until we were in Maryland. The bus arrived in Washington just before 10:40.I took a cab home and crashed. I just woke up. I would write more, but I have to work on my speech.

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My Platform

Below is my platform. It is the result of nine months of extensive studying of the issues. Feel free to leave comments about my platform in the comments section. If you’re a candidate who wants to debate the issues or a hottie who wants to cuddle, I can be reached at ahmnodtheare@politician.com

• Life begins at 40. This is the basis of my abortion platform. I would have quit smoking, but quitters never win.
• War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shattner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.
• I do not have a position on capital punishment. Oh well.
• I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.
• The current tax code is too difficult. My tax code would involve all Americans sending in 100% of their income and having a mega party at Pacific Beach for all Americans.
• My “Just say, ‘OK, but Just This Once’.” drug policy satisfies the curiosity people often have with drugs, yet offers an out before they get addicted.
• Whoever crosses the finish line first wins. Everybody else loses.This is my view on race relations.
• ”War on Poverty” can be solved by making poverty a crime. I would throw all the poor people in jail.
• I would immediately cease all wiretapping operations. Video surveillance cameras would only be permitted on the hottest women.
• Women have the fundamental right to use the utensils of their choice when cooking my dinner. Nobody shall infringe on a woman’s right to use the vacuum cleaner of her choice when cleaning my house.
• I would observe Vanna White’s birthday as a national holiday, and not just because I am a VannaWhite supremacist.
• I would repeal all laws that protect stupid people. Lord knows they’re not an endangered species.
• Seniors should be allowed to eat healthier than Social Security allows. My plan for them would allow them to buy premium dog food at generic dog food prices.
• I am for the separation of Church and State. If clergy were to become state employees, that would be yet another union that AFSCME would represent and soak taxpayers by demanding higher wages. They would all want Sundays off, which would close many houses of worship.
• My position on global warming after spending time studying it is that it is warmer in the summer than in the winter. Global Warming and any possible nuclear holocaust can be eliminated in one easy step. Aim all our nukes at the sun and fire away!
• I would abolish gun laws. I would also ban bullets.
• Fundamentals in education is sorely lacking. I would prepare children for the adult world by teaching them how to talk their way out of speeding tickets and how to pass an employment drug screening.

If you have any questions feel free to e-mail me. ahmnodtheare@politician.com