Below is my platform. It is the result of nine months of extensive studying of the issues. Feel free to leave comments about my platform in the comments section. If you’re a candidate who wants to debate the issues or a hottie who wants to cuddle, I can be reached at email@example.com
- Life begins at 40. This is the basis of my abortion platform. I would have quit smoking, but quitters never win.
- War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shattner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.
- I do not have a position on capital punishment. Oh well.
- I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.
- The current tax code is too difficult. My tax code would involve all Americans sending in 100% of their income and having a mega party at Pacific Beach for all Americans.
- My “Just say, ‘OK, but Just This Once’.” drug policy satisfies the curiosity people often have with drugs, yet offers an out before they get addicted.
- Whoever crosses the finish line first wins. Everybody else loses.This is my view on race relations.
- ”War on Poverty” can be solved by making poverty a crime. I would throw all the poor people in jail.
- I would immediately cease all wiretapping operations. Video surveillance cameras would only be permitted on the hottest women.
- Women have the fundamental right to use the utensils of their choice when cooking my dinner. Nobody shall infringe on a woman’s right to use the vacuum cleaner of her choice when cleaning my house.
- I would observe Vanna White’s birthday as a national holiday, and not just because I am a VannaWhite supremacist.
- I would repeal all laws that protect stupid people. Lord knows they’re not an endangered species.
- Seniors should be allowed to eat healthier than Social Security allows. My plan for them would allow them to buy premium dog food at generic dog food prices.
- I am for the separation of Church and State. If clergy were to become state employees, that would be yet another union that AFSCME would represent and soak taxpayers by demanding higher wages. They would all want Sundays off, which would close many houses of worship.
- My position on global warming after spending time studying it is that it is warmer in the summer than in the winter. Global Warming and any possible nuclear holocaust can be eliminated in one easy step. Aim all our nukes at the sun and fire away!
- I would abolish gun laws. I would also ban bullets.
- Fundamentals in education is sorely lacking. I would prepare children for the adult world by teaching them how to talk their way out of speeding tickets and how to pass an employment drug screening.
If you have any questions feel free to e-mail me. firstname.lastname@example.org
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