Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

Easter Sunrise Service

Sunday is usually the one day I get to sleep in.  Patricia’s mother Jeanetta wanted to take Patricia to a sunrise service in McLean, VA.  She was coming to pick her up at 6:00AM.  This meant I had to get up at 5:00, make Patricia breakfast, and get her showered and dressed by 6:00.  And I had to do this quietly because we are staying at my parents’ for the holiday and they are not morning people either.

I also got showered and dressed in my Easter attire.  (Button shirt and khaki pants, no pastels)  Jeanetta came to pick her up shortly after 6:00 and asked if I wanted to come to the service.  I assumed it was a sunrise service and people wouldn’t want to wake up that early on a Sunday, so I went.

We arrived at the church at 6:25 only to find problems finding a place to park.  It seemed EVERYBODY from the D.C. metro area was at this church.  It took a few minutes, but we found a parking spot and headed in the church.

The usher escorted us to our seats in the third row from the back.  We sat next to an empty spot, which was being saved by a man for his wife.  The wife returned to the spot.  I was in shock.  It was the woman I was dating for most of my junior and senior years at St. Thomas Francis University.  The breakup was ugly and borderline traumatic.

“Ahmnodt.”  she grunted.

“You’re not what?” her husband asked her.

“I’m not sitting next to Ahmnodt,”  she said with a blistering snideness.

Her husband moved to the spot and church service started.  The woman kept staring at me, even when I wasn’t stating at her.  I wanted to move to another seat, but by that time, the church was full.

Towards the end of the service, the pastor had us rise and asked everybody to hold hands of the people next to you.  This was an awkward moment.   As a general rule, I don’t hold another man’s hand.  I was a bit surprised that a request like this would be made in a church with the way they condemn homosexuality.

I didn’t hold his hand, but I started feeling guilty.  I was thinking that if the prayer the pastor was saying didn’t come true, that people would blame me just because I wouldn’t hold another man’s hand.

It dawned on me on the ride back to my parents’ house why we are still in two wars.  It seems that religious leaders always pray for peace.  Many places of worship lash out against homosexuality.  Then the pastor wants people to hold hands with one another regardless of gender.  There is probably somebody like me who refuses to hold another man’s hand.

Here is my solution for world peace:  Churches should assign seats boy-girl-boy-girl.  If there are gays and lesbians, they can be seated boy-boy or girl-girl.  Bisexuals can sit between gay people as a conduit between the gay parishioners and the straight.  The chain will remain intact and God will answer the prayer; thus bringing world peace.

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April 4, 2010 - Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, editorial, humor, satire, War | , , , , , , , , ,

2 Comments

  1. I like your proposal for resolving the matter of unanswered prayers but, dude, as President, when you schmooze with the Saudi’s you will not only have to hold hands with men, as demonstrated by Dubya, but you will need to kiss them – you know – to keep the oil flowing.

    Comment by David | April 5, 2010

  2. It looks like we will be relying a lot more on alternative energy sources. I lasted a few here: https://ahmnodtheare.wordpress.com/2008/10/07/what-will-be-your-priorities-and-in-what-order/

    Comment by Ahmnodt Heare | April 5, 2010


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