Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

My TSA Solution

Wednesday is “National Opt-Out Day.”  For those not familiar with “Opt-Out Day”, it means for those who are flying on Wednesday, to not go through the “full-body scanner” at airport security performed by the TSA.  The “full-body” scanner uses radio waves that can cause cancer (but can’t get a decent radio station.)

If you opt out, you will be subject to a thorough “pat-down”.  This involves TSA agents touching every part of your body (even those parts).  Many people (including myself) find this to be offensive.  I don’t want a stranger touching my body parts.  Like 99.9% of Americans, I do not have access to plastic explosives, nor would I want access to plastic explosives.

We do need a solution that is satisfactory to everybody and does not cause cancer.  I would prefer to touch myself.  And I would want to choose who I touch myself in front of when I am performing a “pat-down” on myself.  I would not want to touch myself in front of another man nor would I want to in front of a woman who looks like that lady from the school cafeteria.

The TSA agent should be attractive and someone who would make me want to touch myself under more intimate circumstances.  The TSA agent should also wear something more attractive than those blue uniforms that remind me of mall security and that skateboarding is not allowed in most shopping malls.  And because the screening should be as stress-free as possible, I would suggest the TSA play songs by Lou Rawls or Barry White.

My plan would relieve some of the stress from traveling as well as relieve TSA agents from touching people they don’t really want to touch.  This is as close as win-win as we can get.  Travelers won’t have to worry about strange people touching them there and that TSA agents can watch and make sure there are no bombs attatched to body parts that shouldn’t have bombs.


November 22, 2010 - Posted by | commentary, editorial, humor, issues, satire | , , , , , ,


  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Ahmnodt Heare, Ahmnodt Heare. Ahmnodt Heare said: My TSA Solution: http://wp.me/pc292-10q […]

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  2. They can feel us up but we can’t walk naked through security. Where is the justice?

    Comment by Bearman | November 22, 2010

  3. Bearman, that is a good question. I would demand justice, especially when the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders fly.

    Comment by Ahmnodt Heare | November 22, 2010

  4. “We do need a solution that is satisfactory to everybody and does not cause cancer. I would prefer to touch myself.”


    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | November 24, 2010

  5. I only wish I had seen this sooner.

    Not only did I go through the full-body scanner this morning, I also insisted that the old cafeteria lady pat me down while the other guard take pictures from my iPhone.

    I couldn’t help it, Richard Marx was playing in the elevator and I started feeling frisky.

    Comment by bschooled | November 24, 2010

  6. I have the same problem when I hear Wham!

    Comment by Ahmnodt Heare | November 24, 2010

  7. I think we should go back to racial profiling. All English speaking, blonde haired/blue eyed people get a free pass while everyone else gets the full body search. Think of the time it would save.

    Comment by yellowcat | November 27, 2010

  8. You would have given a free pass to Timothy McVeigh. I think the effort it would take to get a bomb into a cavity would be strong enough to explode during the implanting stage.

    Comment by Ahmnodt Heare | November 27, 2010

  9. Yes, I would have given him a free pass. Ironic, isn’t it. One of the worst terrorist attacks was from someone who appeared to be an all American boy. However, I don’t think he flew anywhere with a bomb so my racial profiling idea still stands.

    Comment by yellowcat | November 28, 2010

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