Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

The Newtered One

“The Newtered One” is a moniker my campaign manager has given to former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.  I recently found out that “Newt” is short for “Newton”.  I live 20 minutes from Newton, New Jersey, but nobody ever refers the town to “Newt.”

The Newtered One now has a website exploring his candidacy.  I don’t always make it a point to post website links of my competitors, but I am confident that the Newtered One will not be the next president.  People don’t like it when someone preaches about family values only to dump his cancer-ridden wife for a hottie.

Newt Gingrich violated two of my rules concerning relationships with women:  1) Dump them before you get married and 2) Dump them before they get cancer.  Dumping a wife with cancer for a hottie will make people think you are a sex-crazed troll.  I am a sex-crazed troll, but I am not preaching how to raise a family and then doing something else.

I invite you to check out his website.  The site has a section where you can send comments.  Feel free to endorse me in that area.  If enough people do this, we might get the Newtered One to endorse me.  That would be cool.


March 4, 2011 - Posted by | campaign, commentary, humor, politics, satire | , , , ,


  1. It’s too bad someone turned him into a Newt. He’ll never get better.

    Comment by Rachael Black | March 6, 2011

    • He’ll become cuter if that happened.

      Comment by Ahmnodt Heare | March 6, 2011

  2. I can’t stand Newt any more than I can stand Rush. They are both hypocrites and outright liars. I like my politicians to be able to tell a decent lie. I mean, if you can’t master the art of lying, how can you expect to run the country?

    Comment by yellowcat | March 16, 2011

    • I try my best. There’s no point in lying if nobody will believe you.

      Comment by Ahmnodt Heare | March 16, 2011

  3. […] cheated because their spouse has cancer?  Neither do I.  That’s why I could never vote for the Newtered One or any body else who doesn’t practice what he or she […]

    Pingback by Example « Formulated Randomness | May 6, 2011

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