Why I Can Never Be Pope

With a new Pope recently being elected, many people were wondering why I didn’t run for Pope.  There are many reasons.  Below are just a few reasons:

• I’d have to live in Vatican City. –  Don’t get me wrong:  The Vatican would be a beautiful place to live.  The problem is that neither the Capitals, Redskins, nor Nationals play any games in Italy.  
• I have a daughter. – I would have to fly to the United States every other weekend for my custody visits.  I am not too sure the College of Cardinals would be too thrilled with my daughter sleeping over or having slumber parties at the Vatican.
• I’d have to remain chaste. – Not happening.
• The Latin I speak is not the same as the Latin spoken in the Vatican.  I am not sure if they would understand, “Ourway atherfay owhay artway inway eavenhay…” as the beginning of the Lord’s Prayer.
• The College of Cardinals would probably be upset if they found out I bet $20 on the Electoral College to beat them in the Tipoff Classic.
• I don’t like wearing robes.  I’ll wear the beanie if I have to, but the only robe I wear is a bathrobe whilst sitting by the fireplace and enjoying a cognac or five.
• I am not Catholic. – This might be the biggest hurdle of all.  Going without meat on Fridays scares me sometimes.

I would like to thank people who wanted me to be a pope.  Please don’t consider me for pope though as I don’t think it would be a good idea for either myself or the Catholic Church.