Just Some Things
I have to make a few things clear. I like helping out my supporters when I can. However; there are things that I cannot or will not do:
- To the high school senior girls and boy who asked me to be their date for their prom: I am deeply flattered, but I am afraid I am unable to attend any proms as a date. The truth is that I am old enough to be your father and would feel creepy having my way with someone half my age after the prom. I would be honored to be a guest at your graduation party.
- I am uncomfortable at weddings: This does not mean I will not attend your wedding if I am honored enough to be invited. It means that I feel for any man who is about to get shackled into marriage. Shackles bother me. I would be honored to be invited to a bachelor party. I will not talk you out of your marriage. What you do in your bedroom is none of my business. As a patron of several nudie bars, I can help you get a discount for your party.
There are also things that I can and (schedule permitting), will do:
- I would be honored to attend a baptism: I can even attend a baby’s baptism now that I know that it’s shake hands and kiss babies, not the other way around.
- Speak at your club or organization*: While I would prefer that it has something to do with a subject that would allow me to incorporate why I am the best candidate for president, it is not a prerequisite in order for me to speak. (* – I refuse to speak at movie clubs as I continue to boycott the Cinemafia’s motion picture industry.)
If you meet the criteria and wish for me to attend any of your events, please send me an e-mail at email@example.com or I can be reached at (507)-AHMNODT.
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