Awkward Feelings on the Throne

This is not about any irregularities with bowel movements while sitting on the toilet.  This is adjusting to royalty after proclaiming myself King of the United States.  I have encountered a few problems that I need to work on within the next few days.

• Ceremonial Royal Wardrobe: – I don’t have any.  I don’t want any, except for a crown.  And the crown I want is not like what kings wore in the middle ages.  It’s more like the crown that Burger King gives away to kids on their birthday.
• Loyal Subjects: – Again, I don’t have any.  I have people who want me to be President, but that’s not the same.  I no longer have a need for my campaign manager.  He was going to be my court jester, but he isn’t very funny.
• Funding: – I am having a problem convincing the Treasury Department that they are responsible for making sure my kingdom is funded at all times.  I am not like the President and Congress and able to run deep deficits.
• Diplomatic Immunity: – As King of the United States, I am immune from many state and local laws.  This means I am exempt from most things including parking violations, overdue library book fees, and building permits.  State and local officials should especially take note.

Once I have the problems above fixed (funding), I will be in a better position to fix the problems I have been discussing for the last five years.  Off to work I go!

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