Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

Shaking Off the Cobwebs

I haven’t given a campaign speech in a few months.  The best thing to prepare for something is to practice what you want to do until it is done correctly.

It was a beautiful day for a trip to the park.  I went to an area where nobody was around and started campaigning to a squirrel.  My confidence became shaken when the squirrel ran off and ran into traffic.  Fortunately, the squirrel was able to cross the street unscathed.  On the southern section of the park was a statue of a guy who looked like Cosmo Kramer,  (It was supposed to be a Civil War hero, but he looked more like Michael Richards than someone who led an army.)  The statue stayed for my entire speech.

I went to a local bar and watched the news whilst nursing a root beer.  A young patron in his early 20’s asked me how I felt about the designated hitter rule.  I said I was against it and would abolish it if I was elected President.  He also hates the DH rule, but wanted to ask me why I was against it.  My reason goes back to my days in Little League.  I was a pitcher and wanted to bat.  The coach said that pitchers weren’t allowed to hit in the league and that the other team’s pitcher wasn’t allowed to bat.  Everybody else who played in the field was allowed to hit, why not me?  Six runs later, my pitching was done for the day.  Not being allowed  to bat affected my pitching to the point that I did not want to pitch any more..  I didn’t get to play in the field too often because all of the other positions were filled.

He was so impressed with my story that he invited me over to his house on Sunday to watch football with him and his father.  His father likes the DH, but he thinks that I made a strong argument to get rid of it.  He wants to join my campaign though he does not the President should not have the power whether or not there should be a designated hitter in baseball.  He makes a good point, but Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig irks me and it seems like he is trying to shove the DH down the throats of baseballs everywhere.  This has to stop somehow, even if it means occasionally doing more than I should.

October 18, 2013 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, editorial, humor, satire | , , , , , | Comments Off on Shaking Off the Cobwebs

You Should Have Voted For Me

Benghazi. IRS. Fast and Furious.  These are just a few scandals currently swirling around President Obama and his administration.  Mitt Romney is living a private life.  This makes it hard to find out what scandalous plans he has cooked up.  2008 Republican candidate John McCain was in Syria to give support to Al-Qaeda  Syrian rebels after showing support to Al-Qaeda rebels during the Libyan uprising.

Unlike the candidates from the other parties, my scandals did not kill innocent lives.  They didn’t even kill guilty lives.  My scandals were limited to being hooked on phonics, my inability to find a Constitutionally eligible running mate in 2008, and buying pot brownies.

People tend to vote for glitz over substance.  They think it’s more important that a president is tall than is able to properly use “your” and “you’re” in a sentence.  They’d rather vote for someone with a twinkle in their eye than for someone with a tinkle on the toilet seat.  They would rather vote for a buffoon who looks astute than for a genius who looks mentally challenged.

Remember this blog entry when you vote in 2016.  Before you vote for that stud or hottie, remember that their scandals can kill.  I would suggest that you vote for me.  My scandals are safer,

 

June 2, 2013 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, editorial, humor, Obama, politics, Romney | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Things Left Unsaid

A presidential candidate often gives his (or her) opinion on many subjects.  Not all subjects involve politics.  As important as it is for me to talk about the issues of the day, it is equally important to know when NOT to comment.

One of the things I cannot comment on while I am running for President is how awful drivers are here in New Jersey.  It is especially unwise to mention how bad New Jersey drivers are while I am still living in New Jersey.  So I will refrain from mentioning how often they tailgate.  Some of them are so close that I can tell the color of their eyes.  As a general rule, I don’t want to know anything about the appearance of the driver behind me.  Mentioning little things like they like driving in parking lots like they’re freeways is a no-no. The fact that they tend to think that directional signals are optional would be huge faux-pas.  I will not comment on how New Jersey drivers pay the highest auto insurance rates FOR A REASON!

For the reasons listed above, I will be keeping my opinion of how people in New Jersey drive to myself.

May 24, 2013 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, editorial | , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Catching Up in Politics

I’m back before I miss too much going on and have to spend an entire weekend blogging.  President Obama is in a heap of trouble.  I will make my endorsement for New York City mayor tonight.

Between “Benghazigate”, The IRS fiasco, an the AP wiretapping mess, you’re probably regretting not voting for me for President last November.  I forgive you.  Just remember this entry in 2016 before you vote for one of the poor choices the Republicans and Democrats will be nominating.  Below is how I would have prevented Obama’s scandals from becoming scandals in an Ahmnodt Heare administration:

Benghazigate: – I wouldn’t have allowed a consulate office to be opened in Benghazi.  This is because like so many other Americans, I never heard of Benghazi before the diplomats were killed.  I would have kept them in Tripoli as long as it was safe.  If it got too risky to stay, I would have gotten the navy to pick them up and ship them across the Mediterranean Sea to Italy.

The IRS: – The IRS has supposedly been targeting certain non-profit organizations that were against the Obama Administration.  To the best of my knowledge, TAMPON (Take All Money Political Out Now) was not targeted because they were considered to be more pro-Ahmnodt Heare and less anti-Barack Obama.  This probably includes businesses that did not make profits because of the Obama administration’s poor fiscal policies.  My policies would make businesses prosper and leave non-profits alone as they don’t make enough money to interest me.

AP Wiretapping: – I don’t know why anybody would wiretap the Associated Press.  The news has sucked for years now.  I don’t know of any stories that were negative against the White House until lately.  I wouldn’t wiretap anybody because I wouldn’t want to get caught.

I have spent some time thinking about who I should endorse for Mayor.  The problem is that I have two friends of my campaign running for mayor.  Jimmy McMillan is one candidate.  Though he hasn’t endorsed my campaign, I agree with him when he says the rent is too damned high.  Anthony Weiner and I don’t see eye-to-eye on all of the issues, but that did not stop him from endorsing me last year. 

The person I am endorsing for mayor doesn’t currently live in New York City, but he had worked in Gotham for years.  He has fought crime better than any of the other candidates.  While he doesn’t currently live in New York, he is currently a mayor of a small town in Rhode Island.  He has had to battle issues like stolen water and sewage dumping, so he is ready to serve the fine people of New York City.

 

Adam West for Mayor of New York City

Adam West for Mayor of New York City

 

May 22, 2013 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, economy, editorial, endorsement, foreign policy, humor, issues, Obama, politics, satire, scandal | , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Catching Up in Politics

Global Warming, Where Are You?

The more I study the environment. the more I learn how the global warming and climate change theories came to be.  Before I explain my theory, I will throw some facts at you so that you will better understand my conclusions.

The planet is billions of years old.  (or 6,000 – depending on whether you believe in evolution or creationism).  The scientific recording of weather has only been occurring for a couple hundred years.  If you divide the time the Earth has existed by one million equal segments, the time spent recording weather is only one one-hundredth of one segment.  This would be like getting a sample of what Americans are thinking by taking surveys of three people.  This is hardly scientific and has a margin of error of approximately 100 percent.

My theory is that the global warming theory started on a hot July day.  People noticed that it was hotter in July than it was in June, and it was hotter in June than it was in May.  These people told their theories to the common folk, and they came to the same conclusion.

My theory of climate change is that it was first discovered in October.  The same people who discovered global warming in July noticed that October was cooler than September, September was cooler than August, and August was cooler than July.

We know the weather of the last two hundred years from keeping records.  We know that it generally doesn’t snow in July and that it’s hard to get a sunburn in January.  (At least in the northern hemisphere.)  We also know that there was an Ice Age when it snowed year round.  We were able to get out of the Ice Age before the Industrial Revolution.  This would conclude that mankind is not the only culprit in changing climates.

Today was the third straight morning that the morning temperature was in the 20s in northern New Jersey.  The average low this time of year is the low-to-mid 40s and the high temperatures are near 60.  There are usually days when the temperature will rise above 60 a few times in March ,(and when I’m a very good boy, once or twice in February.)   It has yet to reach 60 degrees in 2013.  Baseball has been played in the northeast in a tundra.  It is COLD!

Any signs of global warming are non-existent here.  Climate change happens all the time.  I’m willing to bet a million dollars (Zimbabwe) that it will be warmer in May than it is now.

April 4, 2013 Posted by | commentary, editorial, environment, humor, satire | , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Global Warming, Where Are You?

More Dangerous than Kim Jong Un

Canada’s Prime Minister Stephen Harper

I apologize to those of you who thought that this was going to be about me. It’s not. It is about the Prime Minister of Canada, Stephen Harper.  Kim Jong Un appears to be dangerous because he talks a lot of trash and backs it up by firing bottle rockets.  Stephen Harper is a silent man.  His weapons are covert and are not noticed until they have penetrated deeply into American culture.

His spy program is unparalleled in the cloak-and-dagger industry.  While other countries tend to get their spies to blend in with the general populace, Canadian spies climb to the top of their respective fields.  This is most true in the entertainment industry.

Why does infiltrating the Great American Entertainment Industry cause a big threat to national security?  Because entertainment is the last great export America possesses.  Canada has continually diluted American entertainment by sneaking spies like Justin Bieber, Celine Dion, and Norm MacDonald to sneak into the American entertainment industry.  It has gotten to the point that American entertainment is beginning to look like Canadian entertainment.  The transformation will be complete when poutine and Timbits become staples in “green rooms” across the country.

Stephen Harper must be stopped NOW!

April 1, 2013 Posted by | Canada, cinemafia, commentary, editorial, entertainment, humor, satire | , , , , , , , | Comments Off on More Dangerous than Kim Jong Un

My View on Gay Marriage

This is a reblog from my platform.  With the Supreme Court hearing a case on gay marriage this week, many people are starting to weigh in.  This post shows that I weighed in years ago.

Ahmnodt Heare for President

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on gay marriage.

I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.

It is important to note that the quote above is a hypothesis.  I have no way of telling how much sex married people have since I quit peeping on my neighbors in 2003.  But what I noticed from my studies is that the frequency and the quality of sex my neighbors had diminished significantly within 3 months after being married.

Gay people are not that much different than straight people.  The difference is that with gay people, boys like boys and girls like girls.  But I am pretty sure that if gays were to marry, that the same thing would happen to them with sex.  It’s like…

View original post 53 more words

March 26, 2013 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, editorial, issues, Platform | , , | Comments Off on My View on Gay Marriage

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