Not of My Doing

I heard a rumor from a media insider that there will be a hit piece on my campaign.  The piece has nothing to do with any of my policies, actions, or criticisms of President Obama and of Congress.  It has to do with a small group of people in southern Oregon near the borders of California and Nevada.  They are transients from all over the northwestern US, British Columbia in Canada, and Liechtenstein.

They refer to themselves affectionately as “Hearebots”.  Critics of the group call them “Hearetards.”  The Hearebots took it upon themselves to live their lives as if I was President and are trying to carry out portions of my platform.  Deep in the otherwise barren wilderness are two acres of apple trees that they planted in the last year,  They have banned Hollywood movies and anything associated with Disney including the watching of ESPN and ABC.  . Below is a video that shows an alternative to the overpriced Hollywood movies.

I had no knowledge of these fine people or of this community until I was informed of this story from Matt Storn, who wishes to remain anonymous.  If his name got out, it could cost him his job.

A trip to southeastern Oregon is in the works.  As soon as I contact these fine people, I will be making a campaign stop.

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Yeah, I’m Still Running

It might seem with my lack of posts lately that I have given up on running for President.  The fact is that I have been distracted by some very important matters (taking care of my parents, trying to generate more work for myself, Shark Week, etc.).  I have also done some campaigning, but they were small in nature and were more “preaching to the choir” to get the base energized than to speaking to new people.

I am putting my personal business aside between now and November 2016 so I can give it my all and get elected.  It’s hard to get excited about America’s future when people like Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are given serious consideration as candidates.

My platform remains the same, especially the part that states that I will not be accepting any money for my campaign.  The only way to take money out of politics is to never put money into politics.

Look for me this weekend at the Delaware State fair.  I will not have a booth at the fair, but I will be walking around the fairgrounds looking for people who want to strike up a conversation.

This is what I look like, except that my hair is much shorter, I have no facial hair, and I won’t be wearing sunglasses.

If you have any questions that you would like to ask me, feel free to ask in the comments section. I had requested e-mailing the questions in the past, but critics of the campaign claimed that I ignored the tough questions. I do not ignore tough questions. I put them aside to answer at a later time.

Here We Go Again!

I tried to live a normal life, but I was not meant to have a normal life.  Some people can’t work a  9:00AM until 5:00PM job.  A few people can’t eat ordinary processed foods due to various allergies and ailments.  There are even people who insist on setting up a roll of toilet paper with the paper to pull down in front of the roll.

Every time I try to resume a normal life away from politics, something happens and people feel compelled to drag me back in the fire.  There were two things that happened in the last week that got people upset enough that they had to talk to me into running for President.

The first thing was President Obama proposing that voting be mandatory.  Many people are petrified that the only options on a Presidential ballot are Hillary Clinton or Jeb Bush.  I know that the Libertarian, Green, Birthday, and other Parties will have candidates, but most people are conditioned to believe that there are only two candidates.

I mentioned the second point in my most recent blog entry.  My biggest fear with a Ted Cruz “presidency” is that Stephen Harper will be the de facto President of the United States.  If you have seen how badly he is running Canada, there is no way you’d want him to be running our country.

It will take me a while before my campaign is fully operational.  My first order of business is to find a volunteer campaign manager who is not currently in prison or living on a commune because he or she found Harry Kirshner.Hare Krishna.  The campaign should be fully operational by the second weekend of April.

WANTED: Running Mate

If you have some free time between January 2017 and January 2021, please consider running as my running mate in the 2016 election.  Below are the requirements that must be met in order to be considered to be a Vice President:

• Must be at least 35 years old by January 20, 2017.
• Must be a United States citizen not residing in the State of Delaware. (The President and Vice-President must be from different states as per the U.S. Constitution.
• Must not have a police record with any felonies.

If you meet the criteria and you want to considered a candidate to be my running mate, then send an e-mail to my campaign manager the reasons why you should be my running mate.  The e-mail should include the following:

1. Why my campaign excites you.
2. The skills and experience you can add.
3. Your best Chili Con Carne recipe.
4. Why you would be assassination insurance so I can live throughout our term.

If you are interested in a cabinet position or the position of First Lady, feel free to e-mail my campaign manager indicating the position you desire (doggy style is not a cabinet position) and a brief summary including the first three points of the Vice-President position.

 

Applications will be accepted until February 16, 2015 at 12:00PM Eastern Standard Time.  Enter early and often!  America needs you!

Voter Lookup

 

Feel free to write my name for any office that has candidates that you do not want to vote for.  You shouldn’t be limited to those on the ballot.  Just make sure that my name is spelled correctly so it counts.

AHMNODT – A Horny Man Needs Only Dolly’s Taters.

HEARE – Horny Elephants Are Really Erotic.

 

For Those Tired of the Same Old

If you’re old enough to have seen things since the 1980’s, you have notice that many things have changed and many haven’t.  Most of the change for the better include cell phones, internet, and video recording clear enough that you don’t get static lines all over the screen when the picture is paused during a hot porno scene.  These can all be attributed to the private sector wanting to make things better.

You would also notice that airport security is much tighter and includes an occasional grope.  There are fewer places for smokers to go to smoke and relieve themselves from the need to strangle an idiot.  Just about everything comes with a warning label, including one for peanut butter to remind us that peanut butter contains peanuts.  These can all be attributed to government wanting to make things better.

Private sector changes will happen regardless of who gets elected in 2016.  Gadgets will be cooler to play with and be more efficient.  Government will also make changes regardless of who gets elected.  The difference between other candidates and me is that I won’t have a lobby group funding any portion of my campaign.  I will put on my private-sector thinking cap and make government better.  There is already positive feedback about my TSA plan of turning TSA security guards into massage therapists.  I would do away with mandating labels on peanut butter because if a person can’t figure out that peanut butter contains peanuts, then he or she deserves the outcome of one’s actions.

Most of the candidates that are being considered to run for President have spent a lot of time in government and are limited to using government-type solutions to problems that only government people can conjure up.  I am a lifetime private sector employee and business owner who has a history of making things better by using private sector solutions.  Choose wisely, grasshopper.

Why I Have to Run for President

I was hoping that I would not have to run for President in 2016.  My life is getting more hectic as my parents’ health conditions are not getting better, my daughter and her mother are getting ready to move away, and the local “Hello Kitty” fan club is getting chaotic due to the lack of a fan club president.

The sad truth is that America is in bad shape now, and will continue to get worse if any for the popular candidates considering a run for president ends up getting elected.  Hillary Clinton isn’t going to fix anything.  Neither will Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, or Rand Paul.  they will just continue the same debacle of a plan that America has been on since George W. Bush took office in 2001.  America will soon cease to exist as we know it if any of these people get elected.  They all would continue to carry out the same policies that George W. Bush and Barack Obama have carried out.  My platform is refreshingly different.

We cannot continue to have our police harass the good people when there are so many bad people who need to be arrested.  People like drug dealers, hoodlums, and hipsters need to be taken off the streets and into a jail that doesn’t have internet.  The system that the government uses to calculate inflation has to change to a system that includes the prices of things that go up.  Otherwise, you end up with what we have now.  (“Low” inflation based on the cost of merchandise at Dollar Tree.)

We need a foreign policy that discourages the knee-jerk reaction of bringing the troops all over the world to intervene in every situation.  Our wars have to be few, brief, and fiscally responsible.  They also have to be fought as humanely as possible.

The IRS needs to be taken out of health care, day care, and lemonade stands.  The TSA needs to be taken out of airports and replaced with massage therapists.  The FDA has to be told that cell phones are neither a food nor a drug and that cell phones shouldn’t have to meet FDA guidelines.

I am running for President because I want an America that I, my child, your children, and Nadia Suleman’s children can live in without fear of government becoming bankrupt either fiscally or morally and can plan a better lives for their children and grandchildren.