Why I Have to Run for President

I was hoping that I would not have to run for President in 2016.  My life is getting more hectic as my parents’ health conditions are not getting better, my daughter and her mother are getting ready to move away, and the local “Hello Kitty” fan club is getting chaotic due to the lack of a fan club president.

The sad truth is that America is in bad shape now, and will continue to get worse if any for the popular candidates considering a run for president ends up getting elected.  Hillary Clinton isn’t going to fix anything.  Neither will Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, or Rand Paul.  they will just continue the same debacle of a plan that America has been on since George W. Bush took office in 2001.  America will soon cease to exist as we know it if any of these people get elected.  They all would continue to carry out the same policies that George W. Bush and Barack Obama have carried out.  My platform is refreshingly different.

We cannot continue to have our police harass the good people when there are so many bad people who need to be arrested.  People like drug dealers, hoodlums, and hipsters need to be taken off the streets and into a jail that doesn’t have internet.  The system that the government uses to calculate inflation has to change to a system that includes the prices of things that go up.  Otherwise, you end up with what we have now.  (“Low” inflation based on the cost of merchandise at Dollar Tree.)

We need a foreign policy that discourages the knee-jerk reaction of bringing the troops all over the world to intervene in every situation.  Our wars have to be few, brief, and fiscally responsible.  They also have to be fought as humanely as possible.

The IRS needs to be taken out of health care, day care, and lemonade stands.  The TSA needs to be taken out of airports and replaced with massage therapists.  The FDA has to be told that cell phones are neither a food nor a drug and that cell phones shouldn’t have to meet FDA guidelines.

I am running for President because I want an America that I, my child, your children, and Nadia Suleman’s children can live in without fear of government becoming bankrupt either fiscally or morally and can plan a better lives for their children and grandchildren.

 

Advertisement

Universal Appeal

Being President of the United States means just that:  Being the President of the United States.  It’s not just leading people who pay taxes or people who don’t pay taxes.  It’s not just being the President of those who vote for me or don’t vote for me.

It is because of these things that I try to campaign to everybody and not just to the demographics who might vote for me.  While there might be a lot of strippers, exchange students, and zombies, those groups alone are not enough to get me elected.  (Though it would make Delaware very close.)

I am campaigning to bankers, librarians, doctors, and WNBA players despite the possibility that I will not receive a vote from anybody in those demographics.  I will be their President as well as everybody else’s.  I will campaign to the 53% who pay income taxes and the 47% who supposedly do not.

It is not the case that I want to be President more than I want to get laid.  It’s that America needs me to be President more than I need to breathe.  No other candidate has mentioned the ill effects that the Cinemafia has caused on American Entertainment.  None have kept a watchful eye on the Canadian government as I have.

Please forgive my desperate pleas for your votes.  It will only be for another seven weeks.

Taxing Day

Filing taxes is (for lack of a better word), taxing.  Despite of all the forms, it basically boils down to two things: 1) How much did you make? and 2) Send it in. (Please enclose an additional $29.95 processing fee.)  Then they get you because they want to know where you got the money for the processing fee and why it wasn’t included with income.

Paying taxes would feel less burdensome if we were getting our money’s worth.  The federal gas taxes are supposed to go for roads and bridges, yet 1/3 of our bridges fail safety codes.  The more we spend on education and health care, the dumber our children become and the sicker we get.  Somebody has to pay for the GSA’s lavish parties.

This is why I am a fiscal conservative.  I only spend money on things I really need (housing, food, water, clothes, auto expenses, nudie bars, etc.)  I will bring that fiscal conservatism to the White House.  I will no longer have taxpayers fund a study on the flow of ketchup or on the mating habits of gay Argentinian men.  Funding will be limited to the essentials of running government, military, social programs, and the National Vanna White Museum.  If somebody needs money for a study, they can raise the money with a cake sale or a magazine drive.

You can vote for Obama or Romney (two men known for spending money), you could vote for Ron Paul (Please don’t.)  You can vote for Roseanne Barr, Lee Wrights, or another third party candidate.  But the best vote would be a vote for Ahmnodt Heare.

Invited too Late

I was invited to a third party presidential forum next Saturday in Los Angeles.   Candidates from the Libertarian, Green, Justice, Freedom Social, Socialism and Liberation, and Socialist Party USA parties will be in attendance.

The forum will air next weekend on C-SPAN.  I do not know if the forum will be live, but when it airs, I will be giving my replies and comments via real-time blogging.  I will also post any additional airings on C-Span should there be any.

Friday night was “Orgies for Abstinence” throughout the United States.  I was invited to one in Beverly Hills that featured many “A-List” celebrities.  The problem was I did not receive the invitation until just before I stepped out for the event in my town.  The “Orgies for Abstinence” was a huge success as I was finally able to end my Lent sacrifice of abstaining from abstinence.  I have been abstinence since.

Taxes must be filed by Tuesday at 11:59PM.  This year I will be filing for an extension because there are a couple clients who still have not given me a 1099 for the 2011 tax year.  I am also waiting on a receipt from the charity “Habitat for Hotties” that I gave a $1,000 cash contribution.

Today will be a quiet day.  The day will largely comprise of vegetating in front of the TV watching baseball, hockey, Fox Sunday Animation Domination and infomercials designed to help improve a lady’s figure.  (I’m a big fan of the “after” pictures.)

Defending Mitt Romney

DISCLAIMER:  This shall in no way be looked at as an endorsement.  I am still running for President and for the time being will only endorse myself.  

Before I do the dubious deed of defending Mitt Romney, let me point that he still has a bunch of flaws.  He is the architect of ObamaCare and believes in mandating health insurance.  He has changed his position on a number of issues including abortion.  The oil required to keep his hair slick has risen oil prices $.15/barrel.

Mitt Romney is a very rich man.  There is nothing wrong with that.  He made $43 million in 2011 without having to work.  I wouldn’t be honest if I said I don’t envy the bejeebus of him.  People like to point out that he only paid 13.7% in income taxes.  They fail to mention that 13.7% translates to $6 million.  How many of you paid $6 million in taxes?  I didn’t.  I probably won’t pay that much over the course of my lifetime.

He also gave $7 million to various charities.  $4 million went to the Mormon Church.  $3 million went to other charities that help the poor.  Between taxes and charities, Romney never saw $13 million of what he made (or 30% of his pay.)  That is near the highest bracket.  Romney’s 30% comes after deductions.

Don’t get me wrong, I do NOT want Romney to be President.  But with so many other weaknesses to choose from, who much money he paid in taxes shouldn’t be one of the things to nail him on.  I hope to make enough money to pay $6 million in taxes and not sweat.

The House, The Senate, Obama, and the Need for Independents

The “Payroll Tax Cut” is set to expire on January 1.  President Obama wanted to extend the tax cut for another year.  The Senate passed an extension for two months.  The House passed it for a year.  Since the House and Senate passed different versions of the bill, they were supposed to have members of both chambers meet and hammer out the difference.  The problem is the Senate has adjourned for the holidays and will not return until after the New Year.  The President now wants the House to pass the Senate version, but the House refuses to vote on it.

President Obama is a Democrat and the Senate has a Democratic Party majority, but the Republican Party has a majority in the House.  This bill is being labeled as a “Jobs Bill” (though I don’t know if this is supposed to generate jobs or is a tribute to Steve Jobs.)  The problem is that recently, both Democrats and Republicans have titled bills that have nothing to do with the laws they want to pass.  This practice has to end and the only way it can end is by voting for Independents like myself.

Since people don’t want to be mislead (I could be wrong here based on the politicians people vote for and re-elect), they should vote for people who won’t mislead.  Republicans and Democrats mislead.  They have mislead and switched positions with each other time and time again.

Obama and Democrats were elected in large part to bring a quick end to the Iraq War.  Not only did that war not end quickly and we’re still fighting in Afghanistan, but he managed to send troops to Libya.  Republicans, who were against withdrawing from Iraq, questioned why we were bringing troops to Libya.  Once Gadaffi was removed, Republicans were complaining that we were leaving Libya too early and we needed more troops there.

Instead of voting for the two parties, vote for independents.  They don’t have an ever-changing party platform to cling to.  All we Independents have is our word, and if we go against our word, we won’t be re-elected as we don’t have party pundits to spin our actions or our words.

Tax Policy and Unemployment

I believe that unemployment can be lowered by offering tax cuts to companies that hire people and increase taxes on companies that can afford to hire people but opt not to.