State of the Union Address Tuesday Night

President Obama will be giving the State of the Union address tomorrow evening.  I will be commenting in real-time my take on the address as well as the Republican responses.  Later in the week, I will also be writing the State of the Union address I would have given if I was elected.

A couple of notes about tomorrow night’s entries:

• My comments will probably be a bit more jaded than in previous State of the Union addresses in the past.  Not because I am bitter about the election, but because I am bitter about the poor start the Washington Capitals’ season and that they currently have the worst record in the NHL.  Adam Oates would have been a better coach if he was still with Darryl Hall.  Life hasn’t been the same since Hall and Oates broke up.
• I may not watch the entire address.  I will try, but Obama bores me.  At least with Bush, there was always a chance of a gaffe.  It would be more entertaining if Joe Biden gave it for Obama, but it is what it is.
• I have a bad habit of getting sick during addresses and debates.  I am drinking orange juice (with just a little bit of vodka) to keep healthy.

I shall return to regular blogging here on March 4.  I will remind you now that February 19 is Vanna White’s birthday and I will be unavailable for interviews due to religious observation.

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All bad things must come to an end.  This includes the “popularity” of Canadian spy Justin Bieber.  His new CD “Believe” is not selling as well as the Cinemafia and the Canadian government had hoped.  The era of “Beliebers” is over.  Americans have had enough of this spy and are demanding real entertainment.

It may be possible that I do not win the election in November.  That will not stop me from making the changes that America needs to make.  I will still fight the Cinemafia and do my best to make sure to spot Canadian spies as soon as they try to infiltrate the Great American Entertainment Industry.  I will also lobby elected officials to make sure that Vanna White’s birthday becomes a federal holiday.  It will be hard if I am not elected, but I will fight and make sure my entire platform is implemented.

 

Taxing Day

Filing taxes is (for lack of a better word), taxing.  Despite of all the forms, it basically boils down to two things: 1) How much did you make? and 2) Send it in. (Please enclose an additional $29.95 processing fee.)  Then they get you because they want to know where you got the money for the processing fee and why it wasn’t included with income.

Paying taxes would feel less burdensome if we were getting our money’s worth.  The federal gas taxes are supposed to go for roads and bridges, yet 1/3 of our bridges fail safety codes.  The more we spend on education and health care, the dumber our children become and the sicker we get.  Somebody has to pay for the GSA’s lavish parties.

This is why I am a fiscal conservative.  I only spend money on things I really need (housing, food, water, clothes, auto expenses, nudie bars, etc.)  I will bring that fiscal conservatism to the White House.  I will no longer have taxpayers fund a study on the flow of ketchup or on the mating habits of gay Argentinian men.  Funding will be limited to the essentials of running government, military, social programs, and the National Vanna White Museum.  If somebody needs money for a study, they can raise the money with a cake sale or a magazine drive.

You can vote for Obama or Romney (two men known for spending money), you could vote for Ron Paul (Please don’t.)  You can vote for Roseanne Barr, Lee Wrights, or another third party candidate.  But the best vote would be a vote for Ahmnodt Heare.

Weird Dream

I had a dream that I won the election and became President.  That’s not the weird part.  I won 454 of the 538 electoral votes. (I lost in New York and California.)  That’s not the weird part either.  The weird part was that I had absolutely no press coverage.  I wasn’t mentioned in any polls, there was no cheating on either my part or by any of my supporters.  The reactions by the election night hosts on the networks were from bewildered to outrage.  Below are some of the few reactions:

• CNN – Anderson Cooper kept mumbling, “Ahmnodt Heare” while looking like Wolf Blitzer just ripped a “Silent-but-Deadly.”
• MSNBC – Chris Matthews blew a gasket.  “Who the **** is Ahmnodt Heare?  How in the **** did he win?  Seriously, who is he?”
• Fox News chose not to mention my name.  They ran with “Obama Defeated” without mentioning who beat him.
• Current TV – Keith Olbermann said, “November 6, 2012 – Americans played ‘Oddball’ and hit the jackpot!”
• CBS News did have some ground reporters talking to people who voted for me.  They also had a countdown to December 21 on the bottom of the screen.
• NBC News managed to find out something about me.  Kelly O’Donnell was reading my platform to the audience.  Luke Russert alternated moments between agony and outright laughter.
• ABC News was looking to get President Obama’s reaction to his shocking loss.

My father called me and told me that TMZ was around his neighborhood looking for dirt on me.  TMZ does not want me to become president because a large part of their business is following and reporting on Cinemafia stars.

Twitter was abuzz with the election.  The leading trend the entire night was either “Ahmnodt Heare” or “Who is Ahmnodt Heare.”  Other keywords pertaining to my campaign included, “Cinemafia”, “Vanna White Supremacist”, and “Orgies for Abstinence.”

The more I look back at the dream, the more I can envision the entire dream happening as I recalled it.  The part most likely to happen is the mainstream media being left in the dark as to how I won.  I’ll probably end up having my first interview as President-Elect with Alex Jones.

The Real Social Issues

Many people have been bashing the Republican candidates for emphasizing social issues.  I am not one of the bashers.  I am concerned that the Republicans have been talking about the wrong social issues that affect Americans.  Here are the real issues that we should be talking about and taking action in fixing:

• Affordable entertainment – it is why I am running in the first place.  The Republican candidates and President Obama can afford to pop $9,000 to see the New York Knicks and the Miami Heat play a regular season basketball game.  I cannot, and neither can most Americans.
• Stupid People – It’s not just a social issue, it’s an economic issue.  Stupid people cost the economy over $40 billion in 2011.  Texting and driving into accidents and managing businesses into the ground and laying off thousands of people are just a few things that stupid people do that are hurting America.
• Federal holidays – Christopher Columbus never set foot on American soil, yet we celebrate Columbus Day.  I would replace Columbus Day with Vanna White Day because She has had a more direct impact on the greatness of America.

It’s time to talk about the social issues that affect all Americans.  It’s time to come up to the solutions to what is ailing us socially.

Please – No More GOP Debates!

The GOP had their 20th debate last night.  One thing I noticed about many of these debates is how my health tends to deteriorate during debates.  I can’t explain it.  The same thing happened with the 2008 general debates between Senators Obama and McCain.

It would be easier to understand if I was on stage in any of these debates.  I haven’t been on stage for any debate except for the debate of Independent Presidential Candidates in 2009.  I did not get ill during that debate.

It would be easy to understand if I didn’t have a solid platform and wasn’t consistent in my beliefs (besides capital punishment which I still have no position).  But nobody has attacked my views on the issues during these debates.

It can’t be because I am live-commentating on the internet.  I have done that for other things without getting sick.  I have a talk show (it was on hiatus) that I talk live and take phone calls from whomever calls.  I do not have anybody to screen my calls, so I do not know who will call.  It could be an avid supporter, a citizen who wants to ask questions or a Howard Stern fan calling to say, “Baba Booey.”

I think what is making me sick is the questions being asked.  They keep asking about foreign policy and abortion and not questions about the issues people want to have answered: “How would you fight the Cinemafia”, “Does this pass the ‘Vanna’ test?”  “What would Joyce DeWitt do about a specified topic?” and other issues tugging at the hearts of Americans.

I was running a fever of 101.3F last night.  I felt fine before the debate and I feel fine now.  There is a debate scheduled for March 19.  This is after Super Tuesday.  If it looks like that either Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, or Vermin Supreme are going to run away with this, then it will be canceled.  If it’s still muddled after Super Tuesday, then it will be the last GOP debate.  I’ll be stocking up on Vitamin C just in case.

The Optimist in Me

I tend to be optimistic.  My pessimism is usually reserved to what I think will happen to the United States if I don’t become elected President this November.  But I am optimistic that this will be the last Presidents’ Day I will be celebrating as not the President until 2017 or 2021.

My optimism is not limited to my future.  I am optimistic about other things:

• The Washington sports teams (Capitals, Nationals, and Redskins) will all win championships in the same year soon.
• We will still be around on December 22.
• The Cinemafia will be defeated and entertainment will become affordable again.
• The “Ahmnodt in Sunglasses” look will be more popular than the Rick Santorum “sweater vest” look – even on winter nights.

There is a reason for my optimistic spirit.  It is because I have a history of knowing good things are going to happen.  Below are some examples:

• Vanna White getting a star on the “Walk-of-Fame”.
• “Friends” getting canceled.  (I never did like that show.)
• I would make millions thousands hundreds a couple dollars running my own business.
• I would find a diet I could stick to that would help me lose weight.  I drench my chocolate in hot sauce, which has all but abolished my cravings for chocolate and for hot sauce.

I will remain optimistic as long as good things happen.  Ideally, I would like to make the good things happen myself, but sometimes I have to rely on karma, faith, or good luck.