Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

Observations on Recent Events

I spent most of today trying to catch up on what has been happening in the news since Election Day.  I haven’t watched the news because I have been vacationing and I had custody of my daughter for most of the last week.  Below is my synopsis of some recent events:

  • Colorado and Washington legalizing marijuana for recreational use –  I support this and on the surface this is good news.  There is bad news and I will explain that later.
  • Petraeusgate – Former CIA Director David Petraeus resigned following a much-publicized sex scandal.  My campaign could use publicity like that.  I am not below admitting that I can use the sex.
  • Israel vs. Hamas and the Palestinians – I have received heat for what I am about to say in the past, but it bears repeating.  The United States should not get involved in the conflict until the Canadian dilemma is settled.  Canadian spies like William Shatner, Celine Dion, and Justin Bieber infiltrating and sabotaging the Great American Entertainment Industry must be deported and American entertainment must be restored to its greatness.
  • Hostess Closing Down – This is bad news on many levels.  I blame the marketing team for the folding of the company.  While it is easy to blame the management for being overpaid or the unions for wanting too much, I blame the marketing team for undervaluing their products.  I would have sold Twinkees at 40% higher than the suggested retail price.  They were at least that much better than Little Debbie’s.  Legalizing marijuana just isn’t the same withoout munching on Twinkees or Ho-Ho’s.

Tonight is my last night in Virginia Beach.  I head to my parents’ home in Washington, DC tomorrow for Thanksgiving week and head home Friday afternoon.

Advertisements

November 18, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, Canada, commentary, editorial, humor, issues, satire, scandal, War | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Observations on Recent Events

Peace Signs for Ahmnodt

Throughout the month of August, when you make a transaction (whether it’s for filling your gas tank, buying your groceries, getting a dime bag, or loaning a friend $20), as soon as the transaction is complete, make a peace sign.

Winnie started the trend after buying a pint of ale at a pub in London.

Unlike Mitt Romney and the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize winner, I am all about peace.  My definition of “withdrawing the troops” means ending the war and bringing the troops home.  My definition of “closing Guantanamo Bay” means withdrawing the prisoners and troops from Guantanamo Bay and bringing them home.  My definition of “is” is “3rd person singular present indicative of be.”

Another way to get the peace message out is to add the word “peace” to anything in the “memo” section of the check (account number, phone number, “for last night”, etc.”).

Why the “Peace” for everything financial?  Because for too long we have fought wars for money, gold, oil, women, and other valuables.  Ones we get rid of the connotation of money with war with peace, there will be no more need for war.

August 3, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, editorial, humor, satire, War | , , , | 1 Comment

Political Speak

Politicians have to rephrase many of their ideas so that people would like them.  They also like to distort the meaning of words to their advantage.  When you think about it, “conservatives” don’t conserve and “liberals” don’t liberate.

Sometimes, that is not enough.  Politicians sometimes have to create their own phrases.  Mitt Romney recently coined, “retroactive retirement”, which I think means that he quit working for Bain Capital in 1999, but didn’t consider it a “retirement” until last week.  Former President George W. Bush had a few such phrases.  “Preemptive Strike” and “Enhanced Interrogation” are two of the more common phrases he used.  Former President wanted us to think there was more than one definition of the word, “is.”

I have a few phrases that I have created and/or distorted to my benefit.  Here are a few of them:

  • “Independent Pharmaceutical Distributor” – A drug dealer
  • “Erotic Consultant” – a prostitute
  • “Pakghaniraq” – A place where we like to drop bombs to promote peace.
  • “Gay” – an exact number greater than 100 that is derived from anal-retentive inventory takers.  (“Gay” has meant to “happy” to a sexual orientation, to a synonym for “lame.”  I wanted my own definition.

I will probably hear that I shouldn’t stoop to the level of my opponents.  I didn’t want to, but Americans have become too accustomed to looking down at the pool of candidates for office instead of looking up.  The only people who heard of me before today (July 17, 2012) were my supporters.  I would like to thank them for looking up instead of down.

July 17, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, humor, issues, Obama, politics, Romney, satire, War | , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Real Issues

American politicians are notorious for keeping voters engaged with issues that have nothing to do with the future of American lives.  They want to keep you preoccupied with non-issues like gay marriage and the “war” on women, but not that both parties have raised the debt and the war on people in the Middle East.  Ask your politician why he are she is avoiding these vital issues:

  • Health Care – Romney mandated health care insurance for Massachusetts.  Obama has mandated it for the other 49 states, the District of Columbia, and the U.S. Territories.  Nobody is addressing why it costs $20 for ONE Tylenol in a hospital when you can get 100 for under $10 in many supermarkets and department stores.  I think America would be better served with everybody having apple trees and keeping the doctor away (and the expense of going to the doctor.)
  • Jobs – Romney created a bunch of minimum-wage jobs for Staples.  Obama created jobs for green companies that would eventually go bankrupt and lay everybody off.  My plan would create jobs by giving bailout to companies who don’t need it so they can hire more people and pay the workers they already have more money.  It would also bail out companies that no longer exist by bring back all of those laid off workers back to their jobs.
  • Entertainment –  I am the only candidate who understands that Americans love to be entertained and that the price of entertainment is spiraling out of control.  No other candidate has addressed the cost of entertainment because they don’t care.

You can elect somebody like Obama, Romney, or anyone else who tells you what the issues are or you can elect someone (Ahmnodt Heare) who you tell what the issues are.  The choice is yours.

May 26, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, election, entertainment, health care, humor, issues, Obama, satire, War | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Starting From Scratch

Preparations are now underway for Orgies for Abstinence V.  I thought I had pamphlets left over from Orgies for Abstinence IV, but I do not.  I couldn’t find a copy on my hard drive or on any USB drive or CD-Roms.  These pamphlets are a vital part of bringing abstinence awareness at orgies.  Without them, it will be like any other Friday night.

i went through search engines hoping to find a template for abstinence.  I couldn’t find a template, but I did find a Christian organization that was selling pamphlets.  This cannot do.  Abstinence information is too important to sell.  This information should be available for free.

I will be volunteering next weekend for the “Condoms for Cousins” campaign up in the mountains.  I am hoping we can get enough condoms so I could have some of what is left over for the “Orgies for Abstinence” campaign.

Critics in the past have asked my why do I need condoms and Viagra to promote abstinence.  It is fair and valid question.  The answer is the same reason why the military uses guns, bombs, and tanks to promote peace.  Sometimes you have to do what is against your beliefs to get to the point where you can abide by your mores.

The formatting for pamphlets will make it impossible to post it here, but when I am finished, I will provide a link to where you can print it in WYSIWYG format.

February 28, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, humor, issues, politics, War | , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Blowback

Experiencing blowback is humbling.  I was the first of the 2012 candidates to visit Dixville Notch.  I was hoping that visit might have been enough to secure a win or at least get enough votes to be competitive and set the tone for today’s primary in New Hampshire.  Dixville Notch voters vote at midnight and announce their results soon after.  I did not get any votes in either the Republican or Democratic primaries.   I looked back at my campaigning notes to try to figure out why I did so poorly.  It took me a while to find it, but I found out why:  I had made a terrible faux-pas when I visited Dixville Notch.

The faux-pas involved handing out Celine Dion and William Shatner CDs when I was there.  Dixville Notch might be near Canada, but their hearts are all-American.  I don’t know if this translate into wanting to go to war with Canada, but I lost my trust after trying to unload the CDs.

I am hoping the rest of New Hampshire doesn’t find out about the debacle in Dixville Notch and I can fare well.  Not hearing my name among votes received isn’t going to help.  I will be in New Hampshire tomorrow afternoon and access the results of today’s primaries and come up with a campaign strategy to have my name and platform resonate with the people of New Hampshire.

January 10, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, Canada, election, humor, Platform, politics, satire, voting, War | , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Libya

If I wanted to attack Libya, I would do it unilaterally.  I would not have American troops led by NATO or the UN, but by an American commander.  I will impose the same philosophy withdrawing the troops out of the Middle East and into Canada.

September 7, 2011 Posted by | commentary, foreign policy, humor, Reagan Library Debate, War | , , , | Comments Off on Libya

%d bloggers like this: