When Life Begins
Life begins at 40. Hillary Clinton said it potentially could begin at conception. I could potentially win PowerBall if I play by Wednesday’s drawing.
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Basis For Candidates Abortion Platform Is Life Begins At 40
Ahmondt Heare Is Pro His Life
Independent Write in candidate for President Ahmnodt Heare has clarified his postion on abortion as some potential voters seem to be confused by his policies on the subject.
“Of course I am pro life” said Heare on a whistlestop visit to Petsmart to purchase a dog whistle, “I am alive and I am pro being alive. All I am saying is that life begins at 40. This is the basis of my abortion platform.”
If then life begins at 40 does he advocate that life can be terminated prior to 40? I asked the candidate.
“Well, that is a whole other debate, if life begins at 40, which has been widely acknowledged, then anything before 40 is not actually life, therefore life has not yet started, therefore, in reality anyone under the age 40 could in theory be aborted” replied Heare.
I was confused and pointed to those who believed that life began at conception. “Good point” smiled Heare “And I see where they are coming from, however I have heard the phrase ‘Life Begins At 40’ far more often than the other catchy phrase ‘Life Begins At Conception’. Therefore I am sticking with 40. It’s a vote winner.”
I left Heare to purchase his dog whistle, not before asking him what type of dog he had.
He told me he didn’t have a dog.
My Platform
Below is my platform. It is the result of nine months of extensive studying of the issues. Feel free to leave comments about my platform in the comments section. If you’re a candidate who wants to debate the issues or a hottie who wants to cuddle, I can be reached at ahmnodtheare@politician.com
- Life begins at 40. This is the basis of my abortion platform. I would have quit smoking, but quitters never win.
- War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shattner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.
- I do not have a position on capital punishment. Oh well.
- I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.
- The current tax code is too difficult. My tax code would involve all Americans sending in 100% of their income and having a mega party at Pacific Beach for all Americans.
- My “Just say, ‘OK, but Just This Once’.” drug policy satisfies the curiosity people often have with drugs, yet offers an out before they get addicted.
- Whoever crosses the finish line first wins. Everybody else loses.This is my view on race relations.
- ”War on Poverty” can be solved by making poverty a crime. I would throw all the poor people in jail.
- I would immediately cease all wiretapping operations. Video surveillance cameras would only be permitted on the hottest women.
- Women have the fundamental right to use the utensils of their choice when cooking my dinner. Nobody shall infringe on a woman’s right to use the vacuum cleaner of her choice when cleaning my house.
- I would observe Vanna White’s birthday as a national holiday, and not just because I am a VannaWhite supremacist.
- I would repeal all laws that protect stupid people. Lord knows they’re not an endangered species.
- Seniors should be allowed to eat healthier than Social Security allows. My plan for them would allow them to buy premium dog food at generic dog food prices.
- I am for the separation of Church and State. If clergy were to become state employees, that would be yet another union that AFSCME would represent and soak taxpayers by demanding higher wages. They would all want Sundays off, which would close many houses of worship.
- My position on global warming after spending time studying it is that it is warmer in the summer than in the winter. Global Warming and any possible nuclear holocaust can be eliminated in one easy step. Aim all our nukes at the sun and fire away!
- I would abolish gun laws. I would also ban bullets.
- Fundamentals in education is sorely lacking. I would prepare children for the adult world by teaching them how to talk their way out of speeding tickets and how to pass an employment drug screening.
If you have any questions feel free to e-mail me. ahmnodtheare@politician.com
About
Ahmnodt Heare is a fictional character running a real campaign. He is an Independent candidate for President of the United States. His views on solving America’s problems is different than the ideas being offered by any Republican or Democratic candidate.
In the upcoming days, he will give a daily account of his political activities, campaigns, and other behind the scene activities like no other candidate ever has.
The purpose of this blog is to showing the absurdity of Ahmnodt Heare’s platform and show that the two major parties are equally absurd (especially at the federal level.)
If you are fed up with the two-party duopoly, then feel free to write in “Ahmnodt Heare” for the office of your choosing.
On Election Day, tell your fellow Americans, “Ahmnodt Heare!”
Ahmnodt Heare for America. Ahmnodt Heare for You.
Ahmnodt Heare for President 
A Look at my Platform – Abortion
Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on abortion.
Some people might claim that this position is extreme. Some have gone as far as calling me a fool for having this opinion before my 40th birthday. That is because you probably think of abortion as the taking of a life. I see the threat of abortion as a valuable parenting tool. This is an especially effective tool if you have already aborted your teenager and the other children are starting to act unruly. Not having Britany around anymore sends a very strong message. This will cause children and young adults to behave and will reduce crime.
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May 19, 2009 Posted by Ahmnodt Heare | Ahmnodt, commentary, issues, Platform | 40, abortion, parenting tool, pro-choice, pro-life | 6 Comments