Orgies for Abstinence V

The United States have historically fought wars for peace. It must be working because we have been doing it for years. It is in this spirit that I believe we should promote abstinence through orgies.

Certain events prevented me from planning the last two “Orgies for Abstinence”, which could explain why they went so well.  I am back and want this to be the best ever!  Official “Orgies for Abstinence” events are held twice a year:

• The first Friday after Easter – This assures that all those who had chosen to give up abstinence for Lent to participate.  (April 13 is the Friday after Easter in 2012.)
• Election Night – This is an activity that allows Americans what it is like to be a politician.

I am a firm believer in abstinence.  The government has been saying that the “War on Drugs” has been working and that wars in the Middle East will bring a lasting peace.  It is in this spirit that I started the “Orgies for Abstinence” movement.  As of right now, there are 45 days until Orgies for Abstinence V.

Historically, I have involved myself with women who have been gung-ho for abstinence.  This is even after the alcohol I had given them.  They’re not giving in whether I am playing Barry Manilow, Barry White, or Betty White.

You can host your own event as many have in the past.  I have had them in hotel rooms in the past, but this year I will host it at my place.  If I want to drive a message home, it only makes sense that I drive it to my home as well as other places.

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What I Learned From Last Night’s Debate

I learned a few things from watching last night’s debate on Fox News.  I am sure the hundreds of others who watched learned a thing or two also.  Below is what I learned from the debate:

• Fox News did not use a bell to signal a candidate that his time has expired.  People might confused it for a bell of liberty and Fox News will have none of that.
• Newt Gingrich can go an entire debate without attacking the media.
• South Carolinians hate the “Golden Rule” but they like the “Golden Shower.”
• Fox News encouraged viewers to tweet followed by #dodge or #answer following a candidate’s answer.  #dodge trended all night.  #answer never trended.
• The issue of the debt and deficit spending was not a big issue.  Mainly because none who support attacking Iran can explain how to pay for it with accumulating additional debt.

I was asked who won last night’s debate.  The answer if anybody watched would be obvious.  The answer is the alcohol industry.  Between the drinking games people play while watching debates and the heavy drinking people do when pondering that either one of these people or Barack Obama could win the election.

Negotiations are currently underway for a special debate that will include me.  I will give more information once things are confirmed.  It is currently scheduled for Saturday January 28 at 6:00PM Eastern on my BlogTalk Radio show.

My Snow Removal Plan

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure (whatever that means).  I am not suggesting we prevent snow.  Snow is pretty when you don’t have to drive in it or shovel.  What I am suggesting is finding a way to make sure it doesn’t accumulate on the roads or sidewalks.

Here is my plan:  installing low-voltage wires in the roads and sidewalks.  These wires can keep the warms roads warm enough to melt the snow as soon as it hits the road.  With the roads being warm, the water will be unable to freeze up.

The best part is that it won’t take much energy to warm the roads.  It’s not like it’s going to be warmed to room temperature.  It would only have to be warmed to 35F.   This will also lessen the chance of electrocution because it won’t take much electricity to keep roads at 35F when it’s cold.

Some people might be wondering about this idea.  It is better than other ideas I have heard:

• Drench the snow in alcohol and set it ablaze.
• Build tunnels over the roads.
• Build a dome with a retractable roof over the entire town.

The plan I am offering now is safer and less expensive than the other plans.  It also beats having to wait three days to get your road plowed.

Leaving it to the Pros Did Not Work

Below is a link from the Los Angeles Times.  It’s a story of the chaos that results when a porn star contracts HIV.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2010/10/porn-actor-has-tested-positive-for-hiv-industry-clinic-officials-confirm.html

I have been warned by critics of “Orgies for Abstinence” to leave the orgies to the professionals because they take every precaution to make sure they get no diseases as a result of their orgies.  Apparently, that is not the case.  It seems one professional did not take every precaution.  This has caused a halt of producing pornographic films and will give me fewer choices of movies to watch.

“Orgies for Abstinence” will take the following precautions to minimize the chances of acquiring sexually transmitted diseases:

• Condoms – Male participants will be encouraged to wear condoms.
• Alcohol will be limited – It’s an orgy, not a drinking party.  Limiting alcohol will assure that arousal will only occur among the hotties.
• Abstinence – Some want to get a jump start on abstinence by abstaining at the event.  (Not recommended.)
• Keeping it “clean” – those with sores, blisters, warts, blemishes, acne, or tattoos of Barney the Dinosaur will not be allowed to participate.  Neither will those who smell or have bad breath.

It is not enough to leave things to professionals.  It should be left to people who know what they are doing.

Keep it Safe

Today is the 234th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.  Though I doubt our founding fathers had intended it, Independence Day has become a day of sun worship, barbecues, fireworks, and alcohol.  Here are a few steps you can do to make sure your Fourth of July is a happy and safe holiday:

• Sun Worship – Wear sunscreen, especially during the day.  Limit your time in the sun as too much exposure can lead to sunburn and the ever-disgusting peeling process.
• Barbecues – Do not put the grill near the house or in the house.  Do not store firecrackers, M-80s, Roman Candles, or Dynamite near the grill.  The grill should be supervised by an adult at all times, especially while in use.
• Fireworks – Do not hold fireworks in your hand while igniting them.  Do not light near other people, cars, houses, animals, or nuclear power plants.  Fireworks should be used only by professionals, but if you can’t follow this simple rule, then at least make sure you are an adult and sober enough to handle fireworks without blowing up extremities.
• Alcohol – I cannot emphasize this enough.  If you must drink, do not get behind the wheel of a car or in front of a camera.  Failure to follow these instructions can prove to be costly.

I encourage you to have fun this Independence Day.  Just don’t be stupid while having fun.

I am Confused

The National Institute of Health (NIH) wants to spend $2.6 million dollars to teach Chinese prostitutes how to drink.  Maybe I am wrong, but I never thought that drinking was a prostitute’s primary job.  I am wondering how the NIH knows that Chinese prostitutes have a drinking problem.  They are also spending $400,000 to study the effects beer has on gay men in Argentina.

The only reason why I can see why the NIH is spending $3 million on the effects of alcohol on foreigners is labor costs.  Prostitutes in America are expensive.  I would guess that a gay American man would cost a lot of money also.

I sense a pattern.  The NIH wants to study deviant sexual behavior abroad because they don’t want to get caught at home.  There will probably study the effects that “Shirley Temples” have on pedophiles in Brussells.

If I am elected president, I will not allow a dime to be spent on deviant behavior of foreigners.  That money would be better spent at home.