Post-Sandy Timeline

Few things scare me.  Hurricane Sandy scared me.  The last time I got as scared as Monday night was when I heard a rumor that Anne Murray was coming out with a new CD.  I lost power just before 8:00PM Monday night.  During that time, I heard three trees crash to the ground and a howling wind like I had never heard  before.  I regained power at 12:30AM, but the surge killed my old computer.  Below is a timeline of how the rest of my week went:

• Tuesday – I had no phone service and no internet to watch Roku.  Cable TV was working, but only a few stations were up. (Two shopping networks, two Spanish networks, and WPIX.)
• Wednesday – The rest of the networks came back online.  News was showing all of the flooding in Queens, Manhattan, and Long Island.  Finding a gas station that was opened and had gas was harder to find than a needle in a haystack.
• Thursday – The news stations started showing footage from the Jersey Shore.  The “Habitat for Hotties” house I helped build in 2008 was demolished by Sandy.
• Friday – Spent most of the day battling Montezuma’s Revenge.  I found out later in that there was a water advisory since Tuesday and that I was supposed to be boiling my drinking water.  I only mentioned it because Governor Chris Christie mentioned it during a hurricane recovery update.
• Saturday (Today) – My computer finally arrived.  I am still trying to figure out Windows 8.  My last computer had Vista as the operating system.  Gas rationing is now in effect with “odd-even days” depending on the last number on the license plate.  I am odd.

I will not be participating in this year’s “Orgies for Abstinence due to the hotel it was to be held at needs the room for Sandy refugees from the coast.  I will instead be celebrating my election victory with close friends.

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J’ai raté mon tour (I Missed My Turn)

NOTE: Je suis actuellement dans une station de police du Québec. J’ai été admis à un blog pour autant que je suivre les lois du Québec du blogging et le lieu de la première traduction française.

NOTE: I am currently in a police station in Quebec.  I was allowed to blog providing that I follow Quebec laws of blogging and place the French translation first.

Je me dirigeais à Dixville Notch et manqué la sortie. Avant que je le savais, j’ai vu un tas de noms de rues en français. Je partais pour New Hampshire quand un local de Québec policier m’a tiré dessus.

I was heading to Dixville Notch and missed the exit.  Before I knew it, I saw a bunch of street signs in French.  I was heading back to New Hampshire when a local Quebec police officer pulled me over.

Mon feu arrière droit était sorti. Je n’avais pas mon passeport avec moi parce que je n’avais pas l’intention de venir au Canada.  J’ai été élevé à la Station Chartierville police et détenu pendant la nuit. La police m’a demandé ce que je faisais au Canada et je leur ai dit que j’ai raté mon tour.

My right taillight was out.  I did not have my passport with me because I had no intention of going to Canada.  I was brought to the Chartierville Police Station and held there overnight.  The police asked me what I was doing in Canada and I told them I missed my turn.

J’étais sur le point d’être envoyé gratuitement lors de l’un des policiers m’a reconnu. Il a dit: “Vous êtes le Canada haïr Ahmnodt Heare! Les autres officiers en riant. L’un d’eux m’a montré la première page du journal avec Sidney Crosby marqué le but gagnant pour le Canada contre les États-Unis pour la médaille d’or en hockey.

I was about to be sent free when one of the officers recognized me.  He said, “You are the Canadian-hating Ahmnodt Heare!”  The other officers laughed.  One of them showed me the front page of the newspaper with Sidney Crosby scoring the winning goal for Canada against the United States in the Gold Medal hockey game.

Je suis techniquement libres et je suis actuellement dans le hall d’attente de la police pour l’un des policiers. Il a dit qu’il avait un certain nombre de choses qu’il voulait me donner. Il est là maintenant avec un couple de CD et un chandail de hockey. Il s’avère que les CD sont par Celine Dion et Anne Murray, ainsi qu’un DVD de l’original “Star Trek”. Le chandail de hockey d’une réplique du chandail d’Équipe Canada, une fois portés par un de mes préférés Capitals de Washington, Dale Hunter

I am technically free and am currently in the police lobby waiting for one of the policemen.  He said he had a few things he wanted to give me.  He is here now with a couple of CDs and a hockey jersey.  It turns out the CDs are by Celine Dion and Anne Murray as well as a DVD of the original “Star Trek”.  The hockey jersey a replica of the Team Canada jersey once worn by one of my favorite Washington Capitals, Dale Hunter.

Je suis libre d’aller et pars pour New Hampshire.

I am free to go and am off to New Hampshire.

Beware of These People!

There are two types of people I am concerned about:  those who threaten the American way of life and those who are undermining my campaign.

These people below are threatening American entertainment and must be stopped!

Anne Murray, Celine Dion, and William Shatter are Canadian spies whose mission is to undermine the American entertainment industry and tamper with America’s last remaining significant export.

Those listed above have either stolen my campaign ideas in their campaigns or have covertly undermined my 2008 and 2012 campaigns. (Except Neil Patrick Harris, he was added because I think he’s a tad odd.)

Back Where I Belong

I am glad to be home after a long trip through western and central Europe.  The bad luck has continued on this side of the pond.  Once again, I find myself looking for a vice-presidential candidate.  I will be holding a raffle for people interested in being my running mate.  He or she must fit the Constitutional Requirements:

• At least 35 years of age
• A United States Citizen born in the United States
• No priors

Closet Celine Dion and Anne Murray fans need not apply.  Star Trek fans may apply providing that they have a favorite character other than Captain Kirk.  Those interested in the position can leave a note in the responses below.

The jet lag is beginning to get to me.  I woke up at 6AM in Stockholm (which is Midnight Eastern Time.)  I will probably go to bed early tonight.

Obama’s Trip to Canada

President Obama went to Canada today and had discussions with Prime Minister Harper.  They spent time talking about trade and the environment.  They did not talk about the heinous actions of former Prime Ministers Pierre Trudeau and Brian Mulroney.  Trudeau sent spies William Shattner and Anne Murray to the United States to sabotage the entertainment industry.  Mulrooney did the same thing with spy Celine Dion.

I am willing to offer a deal.  Canada takes their spies back.  In return, as president, I will not declare war.  I will also try poutine.  I’ll even eat the cheese curds.  I am normally a finicky eater, but I will do my part to promote good relations with Canada

I Like Canadians

I haven’t made myself clear about how I feel about Canadians.  I like the people.  Canadians are cool to have a beer and shoot the breeze with.  I have confused people by wanting a war with Canada.  It is not the Canadian citizens that made me want this war, it’s the Canadian government.

To prove this point, I have stated on several occasions that the war would only be fought on weekdays between 9AM and 5PM.  There would be no fighting on weekends.  I have also stated that no hockey rinks or Tim Horton’s are to be bombed for any reason.

The reason for the war is the actions taken by former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau.  He has systematically sent spies like Anne Murray and William Shattner into the United States under the guise as “entertainers.”  This is not a knack against all Canadian entertainers.  I like Rush and Barenaked Ladies.  I liked John Candy and Rick Moranis is a good actor.  It’s the likes of Shattner and Murray (and the spy Celine Dion, who was sent by Brian Mulroney) that get me going.  They have helped destroy America’s greatest export, our entertainment industry.  American entertainment is now more expensive for less quality.  it wouldn’t surprise me if the Cinemafia had Canadians in it, but I can not prove that at this time.

if you are a Canadian, I am sorry if I have offended you in the past.  I felt obligated to show you my decision-making process.

How the Inauguration of Ahmnodt Heare Would Have Gone

President Obama is off to a good start if you go by the inauguration.  Although the ceremony was good, I would have done things a little bit differently.

The Opening Prayer would have been offered by Father Guido Sarducci.  He is a nice man.

Celine Dion and Anne Murray would sing the National Anthem.  They would be deported to Canada after the ceremony.

I would have not use my middle names, but I would use both initials.  My middle names are Francis Nathaniel.  I would start the Oath of Office by saying, “I, Ahmnodt F.N. Heare. . .”

My speech would be short.  I don’t like to stand out in the cold for a long time.  Besides, I have a lot of Presidential stuff to do.

The closing benediction would have been done by an auctioneer.  They talk fast and the ceremony could end so we’d all can go get warm.  I would replace the Inaugural Ball with the “Inaugural Hockey Classic”.  The game would be played between the Washington Capitals and the Ottawa Senators at FedEx Field.

Here we go.  Only four years to go until my inauguration.  Hang in there. 🙂