All is not Lost

My weekend in Europe did not go as well as I expected.  There wasn’t much traction in Paris nor in Berlin.  The laptop crapping out on me did not help matters.  The laptop would have come in handy campaigning at a cemetery near downtown Berlin.  My experience is that people only communicate in one language once they pass away.  My German is limited to “Bier” without the laptop to help me translate.

While my weekend went pretty much wasted in Europe, my running mate has helped strengthened the campaign with a rally in Corpus Christi, TX.  I have to admit that I have never heard him give a speech (I haven’t even met him yet), he has done a masterful job speaking to a major demographic.

The lady on the left listened intensely to Albee Thayer’s speech in Corpus Christi, TX. She was later spotted downtown handing out campaign literature.

My computer is currently undergoing repairs.  I am blogging from the library today and probably tomorrow.  If the computer cannot be fixed, I will be going to buy a new one.  Hopefully the next one can take the weight of cargo being dropped on it should I decide to fly overseas again.

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My Take on the Great Ale-vs-Lager Debate

The Good Greatsby wanted me to address the never-ending debate on ale versus lager.  While this isn’t as important a topic as the high price of entertainment, it is important to Mr. Greatsby and for that, he deserves an answer.

I have to say that I am not really a beer drinker and usually only drink beer when I am tight on money.  When I buy beer, it is usually a pilsner as it is the most affordable type of beer.

As far as taste is concerned, I prefer lager over ale.  Ale tastes too much like liquid dirt.  Lagers are good, but only if it’s imported.  Domestic lagers taste like diluted sewage.  Imported lagers has the right combination of liquid dirt and diluted sewage and doesn’t taste too bad.

Feel free to ask me any issue that affects you.  (Even if it doesn’t affect me in the least.)

Not Pleased With the Health Care Bill

Let’s assume for a minute that the health care bill does everything the Democrats say it will without the scary things Republicans say it will do.  I would still be against this bill.  While the bill offers a lot, there are still provisions missing from it that I feel it needs:

• Not all doctors will be able to collect from insurance companies:  Sure doctors can collect if they practice “conventional” medicine of chiropractic medicine, but my doctor practices Santeria medicine.  This bill discriminates against doctors who offer animal sacrifices for the wellness of others.
• Not all drugs are covered in drug plans.  There is no point in getting generic Viagra for $4 if you can’t get a generic case of beer for $4.  Beer contains alcohol, which is a drug.  Looking at some of the women I had been with over the years, I needed that case of beer before I would do anything that would require the use of Viagra.
• It offers little in preventive medicine.  This bill offers no discounts in preventions I feel would work.
• It doesn’t cut the cost of health care, just the amount you would pay out of your pocket.  (Remember, we’re assuming that the Democrats are correct with this bill – which they’re not.)  The price of premiums may be cut, but not the cost.  The government will pick up the costs that you’re not paying for now.  When I say “government”, I mean “taxpayer”, and when I say “taxpayer”, I mean you.

I am not a big fan on mandated health insurance.  Don’t ask me why this happens, but every time auto insurance becomes mandated in a state, the premiums increase.  The states with the lowest insurance rates are the few states that don’t mandate it.

One would figure that a bill as thick as a phone book would have been able to include everything, including the points I mentioned earlier.  This bill does not do that, so I am urging the House of Representatives not to pass this bill until my points are remedied.

A Look at my Platform – Poverty

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and 
further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on poverty.



"War on Poverty" can be solved by giving poor people $30/month and
sending them to Africa once a month for food shopping.  A family of
four in Africa can eat for $.70/day.  They would still have $8.30
for beer.

I am seriously considering doing my food shopping in Africa.  It can cost over $100/week for food shopping for a family of one.  This is $400/month.  It would be cheaper to fly poor people to Africa once a month to do their food shopping.  It would be even cheaper to fly one person to Africa to buy up all the food there and fly it back home and sell it at cost.  The $8.30 left over wouldn’t necessarily have to go towards beer.  It could go towards a pack of cigarettes (except in New York City, where cigarettes are almost $10.00 per pack.)

While many supermarkets would go out of business under my plan, my plan would allow Americans to eat and have more money left over for entertainment.  It’s not like the CineMafia is going away.

I am Confused

The National Institute of Health (NIH) wants to spend $2.6 million dollars to teach Chinese prostitutes how to drink.  Maybe I am wrong, but I never thought that drinking was a prostitute’s primary job.  I am wondering how the NIH knows that Chinese prostitutes have a drinking problem.  They are also spending $400,000 to study the effects beer has on gay men in Argentina.

The only reason why I can see why the NIH is spending $3 million on the effects of alcohol on foreigners is labor costs.  Prostitutes in America are expensive.  I would guess that a gay American man would cost a lot of money also.

I sense a pattern.  The NIH wants to study deviant sexual behavior abroad because they don’t want to get caught at home.  There will probably study the effects that “Shirley Temples” have on pedophiles in Brussells.

If I am elected president, I will not allow a dime to be spent on deviant behavior of foreigners.  That money would be better spent at home.

Still Under the Radar

I thought after thirteen months of campaigning, I would be able to go somewhere where people would recognize me.  Sadly, this is not the case.  I went to a crowded restaurant and nobody recognized me.  Imagine when these people find out they were in the presence of a candidate for President of the United States.  I was excited when I met 1992 Fallopian Party candidate Gilda Glickman.  Her politics were liberal.  That didn’t stop me from voting for her. To this day, Gilda Glickman was the only presidential candidate I ever met.

I thought there were special perks with running for president.  I was never asked if I wanted Secret Service protection.  While Obama and McCain were dining at $5,000/plate fundraisers, I was dining at Dollar Value Meal restaurants.  While they had major production crews on their campaigns, mine were a few videos thrown up on the Internet.  I am so anonymous, I haven’t been mentioned as a finalist in Keith Olbermann’s “Worst Person in the World” segment.

If you see me at a bar, feel free to buy me a drink.  I don’t want Secret Service Protection, fundraiser dinners, or fancy-schmancy production on my ads.  All I want is the occasional beer without paying for it.

A Change of Heart

After much deliberation, I have decided to change a position on something currently on my platform.  My new position on the “War on Poverty” is listed below:

"War on Poverty" can be solved by giving poor people $30/month and
sending them to Africa once a month for food shopping.  A family of
four in Africa can eat for $.70/day.  They would still have $8.30 for
beer.