The Horrors of Gift Shopping

I am meeting my daughter Patricia today.  He birthday isn’t until Tuesday, but I will be leaving for Europe tomorrow.  She will turn six, and I have no idea what to get her.  I do know what not to get her:

• Shot glasses – I had already bought them and told Patricia’s mother that was I was going to give her.  She flipped out and ripped me a new one.  She is still mad for taking Patricia drinking for her birthday last year.
• Shot Gun – I wanted to buy her one and take her hunting.  My visitations are supervised and I don’t want to take her mother along.
• Barbie and Bratz dolls – Patricia likes them, but her mother is concerned about image issues.  Her mother had Barbie dolls growing up, and that didn’t stop me from a night of passionate post-9/11 sex.
• Clothing – Let’s face it:  Parents have no taste in clothing.  I remember the annual pilgrimage to K-Mart every December 26 with the tacky clothes my parents would buy me for Christmas.
• Campaign paraphernalia –  I have to save the paraphernalia for people who are voting age.  The only adults Patricia sees during the week are at school and her mother.  I need to use it wisely to generate votes.  Six-year-olds can’t vole.

I have decided I will give her a gift card.  I will give her a Hooter’s gift card when I take her there for her birthday dinner tonight.

Reminder – No Blog Entry Tomorrow

I will not be blogging tomorrow due to the observation of Vanna White’s birthday.  Blogging will resume on Thursday.

Valentine’s Day is Four Days Early

Today is Valentine’s Day.  But it shouldn’t be today, it should be on Wednesday.  You’re probably asking why Wednesday?  Here’s why:

I will not be blogging on Wednesday in order to observe Vanna White’s Birthday.

Although I no longer belong to the Vanna White supremacist movement, I will still be observing Her birthday ( February 18 ) as a religious holiday.  As president, I would replace President’s Day with Vanna White Day.  Isn’t it time we had a holiday honoring a woman?  We have holidays for Martin Luther King, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Dale Earnhardt (Alabama).  It’s time we had a holiday for a woman!

Happy Valentine’s Day for those who can’t wait to the real Valentine’s Day, February 18.

Happy Birthday Blog!

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of this blog. It started on a cold winter night in New Hampshire.  It was not a good start to the campaign trail.  People were not impressed with my message or with my celebrity endorsements.  The trip home was long and agonizing, compounded by my falling asleep on the bus and ending up in Syracuse.  I got involved in a ruckus at a PETA meeting when I brought fried chicken.  I wasn’t invited to any debates.  The month never got better; in fact, it got worse when Fluffy died.

Instead of giving up, I kept marching on.  I figured if enough people heard my message, I would get supporters,  which would lead to votes.  I caught my first break when a poll showed I was more popular than Jesus Romero de Caballo.  It lead to people writing about me from places besides this blog.

The more I campaigned, the more people came to hear me speak.  People were starting to get excited about my campaign until the incident in Louisville.  The campaign fluttered for months but picked up steam again soon after Election Day.  Three-quarters of you made your first visit after Election Day.  I thank you for being here now.  We have over 3 1/2 years until the 2012 elections.  This will give us plenty of time to get recognition and to win the White House for America.

The links below are the stories which brought the most of us together and are the most popular entries of the last year.  Whether you have been reading for the last year or this is your first visit, I thank you for stopping by and for your support.

More Julian Beever Drawings	1,743
Volunteers Wanted	1,050
How to Bring Traffic to Your Blog	1,021
Strawberry Stroganoff	752
Amazing 3D Sidewalk Art Photos	353
About	221
Platform	194
Endorsements	168
Did God Create the World in Six Days?	138
My Emperors’ Club Experience	107
Hillary Clinton to Run As Independent?	102
What Were You Thinking?	102
Video	100

My New Holiday Proposal

If I am elected President, I would make a person’s birthday a paid holiday. Everybody would have his or her birthday (or the day nearest to it) off. I would replace Columbus Day with this day. I don’t know why we celebrate Columbus Day. He got lost four times trying to reach India. He never landed on U.S. soil either. If we wanted to celebrate the birthday of a man getting lost, we might as well have “Ahmnodt Heare” Day.