My Softer Side

Some people have criticized me for being too harsh at times.  I could be, and I apologize if I seem harsh.  I decide that today is a good day to show my softer side.

Today is Canada Day.  It’s the day Canadians celebrate their independence by putting the Queen of England on their currency and declaring her a Canadian citizen.  I have been hard on Canadians.  I have nothing against the fine people of Canada.  It’s the Canadian government and their insistence on dumping spies like William Shatner and Justin Bieber on the great American entertainment industry.

Happy Canada Day to all of my Canadian supporters!  You will be happy to know that I am continuing to work to make sure Canadians can vote for me to be the leader of the Free World in next year’s elections.  Below are some greeting cards showing my support for Canadians:

No need to worry about an American exodus if I win the election!

The Capitals will win it next year. We won't riot if we won't because Washington is a classy city.

This won't be an issue once my health care plan is implemented.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

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A message for the Canadian government - I'm watching you!

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This is all I ask. (And William Shatner... And Celine Dion...)

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Rethinking my Foreign Policy

War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shatner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.

Here is the summary from that link:

• Wars shall only be fought between 9:00AM and 5:00PM Mondays through Fridays.  This will allow our troops to come home for dinner every night and weekends.  It is important to keep morale high.  There will be no fighting on holidays (American or Canadian)
• No bombing of hockey rinks, Tim Horton’s, or curling ponds.  We don’t hate Canadians, just the Canadian government, and specifically, those agencies responsible.
• To show that the Canadians are willing to play fair, they have promised no arctic cold fronts during the summer.

Unfortunately, events have occurred in recent days that have made me think I should revise my foreign policy as it applies to Canada.  I have observed that Canadian people are having a hard time dealing with the fact that the USA hockey team beat their team at their national sport.  The people in Vancouver were booing their Canucks’ Ryan Kesler every time he touched the puck in today’s game between the United States and Switzerland.  They harassed supporters of my campaign when they held “Ahmnodt Heare for President” signs behind the Swiss penalty box.  Security confiscated the signs and escorted them out of the arena.

I have revised my policy as follows:

• War will still be from 9-to-5.  But there will also be war on Saturdays.  There will be war on Canada Day and Boxing Day unless those days falls on a Sunday.
• While the ban on bombing Tim Horton’s and hockey rinks are still in effect, the ban on Curling rinks will be lifted.  Curling is not a real sport.  If it was, Americans would have done well at the Olympics.
• If these actions are not enough, I will sign an executive order forcing tropical warm fronts to invade Canada during outdoor hockey and curling tournaments.

I am a reasonable man.  I am sure we can work things out.