He said, “No.”

I thought for sure my campaign manager wanted to run for Senator.  He could have ridden my coattails.  I could have had him stumping with me in 2016.  He doesn’t want to run for Senate.  The reason that he gave me was that he has skeletons in his closet that need to remain in the closet.  I have seen his closet.  I did not see anything that was embarrassing except for a slightly overused inflatable doll.

His lack of desire to run for office did not stop my manager from setting up my campaign schedule for the following week.  My first campaign stop is Saturday afternoon at Brooke Wheatsworth’s seventh birthday party. This stop is for the 2024 campaign, when Brooke and her friends will be old enough to vote.   I make campaign stops for children because I will be the first presidential candidate that many children will meet.

I will be in Ottawa on Monday and Tuesday holding a rally in front of the US Embassy.  I will have a petition for Canadians to sign which will allow them to vote for President of the United States.  I am doing this because the President of the United States is the leader of the free world.  Many people feel that Americans should not be the only people voting for the leader of the free world.  My being the first Presidential candidate to address this issue will give me the upper hand in overseas voting.

There will be fewer campaign stops in cemeteries than in prior campaigns.  These stops will be limited to heavily-Democratic states and large Democratic-leaning cities in Republican states.  The time I had wasted in the past will not be used in campaigning in more conventional settings like political rallies and city morgues.

The week ahead will be hectic.  I will try my best to keep you informed on highlights from the campaign trail as events occur.

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My Support Base

Like any other successful campaign, my campaign resonates with some groups better than with others.  Also like other successful campaigns, I do not always choose who wants to support me.

There are many groups that I am honored to carry their endorsement.  The groups include (but are not limited to):

• Vanna White Supremacists National Charter (As well as many of the state and local charters)
• Fans of the late Billy Mays
• Jim Traficant supporters
• The deceased

As honored as I am to received endorsements from these groups, there are a few groups that I wish didn’t endorse me.  Not because I don’t appreciate their endorsement, but because people tend to think that because they endorse you, that you automatically endorse them.  After all, people who belong to fringe groups like “Aryan Nation”, the Republican and Democratic Parties and Goldman-Sachs all vote with their interests in mind.  Here are a few groups that have decided for whatever reason to support my campaign:

• Unemployed porn stars
• Malaysian webmasters of pornographic websites
• Canadians

I do not agree with many of the positions with the groups mentioned above, but they are people and their voices need to be heard.  Instead of dismissing people because I don’t agree with them on everything, I seek common issues and build a coalition.  I don’t know why some people endorse me, but I do know that the issues I talk about resonates with a lot of voters.

Headquarters moving to Michigan

The Ahmnodt Heare for President campaign is moving to Michigan during the week.  The campaign feels it can take advantage of John McCain’s campaign leaving the state.  Ahmnodt Heare will remind the good people of Michigan that John McCain bailed out of the state when times got tough.  He would also make sure people in Michigan don’t forget that Barack Obama didn’t want Michigan to count in the Democratic primary. 

While in Michigan, I will organize volunteers in Detroit and Sault Ste. Marie and have them monitor the border crossings making sure Canadian entertainers do not taint our country.

Experience is Bad

My critics are saying that my lack of experience in politics would make me a bad choice for president.  I would like to address the experience issue at this time.

We have historically voted for people with experience.  This experience we have voted for has led us with a $9.3 trillion debt, an education system that gets worse with more money being spent on it, and fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan when the terrorists who attacked us came from Egypt and Saudi Arabia.

I may not have much experience in politics, but I know that if you spend more than you make, you’ll end up in debt.  I know that if you don’t watch where you spend your money, vultures will come see you.  And if you’re going to attack those who attacked us, you find a map and find out where they live. 

I talk about attacking Canada, not because of the Dutch, but because of the Canadians who have attacked our country with their God-awful form of entertainment. 

It is time to quit voting for people with experience and start voting for people with common sense.  I would appreciate your vote. 

Attention Non-Americans!

Americans like to think that the U.S. President is the leader of the “Free World.” In spite of this, non-Americans have no say in who gets to be the leader of the free world. I want to change that, but I will need your help. I need you and all of your friends (and most of your enemies) to mail a letter and a ballot to the U.S. Department of State. The letter should read something like this: