Please – No More GOP Debates!

The GOP had their 20th debate last night.  One thing I noticed about many of these debates is how my health tends to deteriorate during debates.  I can’t explain it.  The same thing happened with the 2008 general debates between Senators Obama and McCain.

It would be easier to understand if I was on stage in any of these debates.  I haven’t been on stage for any debate except for the debate of Independent Presidential Candidates in 2009.  I did not get ill during that debate.

It would be easy to understand if I didn’t have a solid platform and wasn’t consistent in my beliefs (besides capital punishment which I still have no position).  But nobody has attacked my views on the issues during these debates.

It can’t be because I am live-commentating on the internet.  I have done that for other things without getting sick.  I have a talk show (it was on hiatus) that I talk live and take phone calls from whomever calls.  I do not have anybody to screen my calls, so I do not know who will call.  It could be an avid supporter, a citizen who wants to ask questions or a Howard Stern fan calling to say, “Baba Booey.”

I think what is making me sick is the questions being asked.  They keep asking about foreign policy and abortion and not questions about the issues people want to have answered: “How would you fight the Cinemafia”, “Does this pass the ‘Vanna’ test?”  “What would Joyce DeWitt do about a specified topic?” and other issues tugging at the hearts of Americans.

I was running a fever of 101.3F last night.  I felt fine before the debate and I feel fine now.  There is a debate scheduled for March 19.  This is after Super Tuesday.  If it looks like that either Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, or Vermin Supreme are going to run away with this, then it will be canceled.  If it’s still muddled after Super Tuesday, then it will be the last GOP debate.  I’ll be stocking up on Vitamin C just in case.

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Campaigning in NYC

I will be campaigning in Manhattan and Brooklyn this Sunday.  I will have some down time between campaign stops.  I was going to go to squeeze in another stop between Manhattan and Brooklyn, but Omaha is too far away.  I’ll try Omaha in a couple of weeks.

I’ll be in front of the Port Authority Bus Terminal across the street from the NY Times building at 10:00AM.  It seems to be a good place to talk about my lack of a position on capital punishment.  From there I will walk to Central Park where I will discuss my smoking platform and why winners never quit.

Brooklyn will be the place to be in the afternoon.  There are a few things I have to work out first.  The first is where in Brooklyn I will campaign in the afternoon.  The other problem is that I don’t have a topic to talk about.  This is because I have never been in Brooklyn.  The Dodgers are no longer there and the Nets are not there yet.  I am leaning towards health care, but I want to make sure the subject matches the audience.  I know not to talk about the environment.  Trees are so scarce in Brooklyn that when a tree grows there, somebody writes a book about it.

If you live in Manhattan or Brooklyn and you want me to campaign in your neighborhood, contact me either tonight or Saturday.  (Sorry, Omaha.)

A look at my Platform – Capital Punishment

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on capital punishment.

I do not have a position on capital punishment. Oh well.

Some states have it and some states do not.  People are murdered in all 50 states, so it doesn’t seem to be a deterrent.  Knowing you can sit in a cell for 60 or 70 years does not seem to deter murders either.  My plan is simple.  The states that want capital punishment can have it.  The states that do not want capital punishment do not have to have it.  I should note that lately, many of the mass murderers have taken it on their own to kill themselves and save Americans millions in court and imprisonment costs.  While I do not condone mass murders, I strongly encourage mass murderers become good Americans and take their own lives and save our country the millions we so desperately need.

My Platform

Below is my platform. It is the result of nine months of extensive studying of the issues. Feel free to leave comments about my platform in the comments section. If you’re a candidate who wants to debate the issues or a hottie who wants to cuddle, I can be reached at ahmnodtheare@politician.com

• Life begins at 40. This is the basis of my abortion platform. I would have quit smoking, but quitters never win.
• War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shattner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.
• I do not have a position on capital punishment. Oh well.
• I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.
• The current tax code is too difficult. My tax code would involve all Americans sending in 100% of their income and having a mega party at Pacific Beach for all Americans.
• My “Just say, ‘OK, but Just This Once’.” drug policy satisfies the curiosity people often have with drugs, yet offers an out before they get addicted.
• Whoever crosses the finish line first wins. Everybody else loses.This is my view on race relations.
• ”War on Poverty” can be solved by making poverty a crime. I would throw all the poor people in jail.
• I would immediately cease all wiretapping operations. Video surveillance cameras would only be permitted on the hottest women.
• Women have the fundamental right to use the utensils of their choice when cooking my dinner. Nobody shall infringe on a woman’s right to use the vacuum cleaner of her choice when cleaning my house.
• I would observe Vanna White’s birthday as a national holiday, and not just because I am a VannaWhite supremacist.
• I would repeal all laws that protect stupid people. Lord knows they’re not an endangered species.
• Seniors should be allowed to eat healthier than Social Security allows. My plan for them would allow them to buy premium dog food at generic dog food prices.
• I am for the separation of Church and State. If clergy were to become state employees, that would be yet another union that AFSCME would represent and soak taxpayers by demanding higher wages. They would all want Sundays off, which would close many houses of worship.
• My position on global warming after spending time studying it is that it is warmer in the summer than in the winter. Global Warming and any possible nuclear holocaust can be eliminated in one easy step. Aim all our nukes at the sun and fire away!
• I would abolish gun laws. I would also ban bullets.
• Fundamentals in education is sorely lacking. I would prepare children for the adult world by teaching them how to talk their way out of speeding tickets and how to pass an employment drug screening.

If you have any questions feel free to e-mail me. ahmnodtheare@politician.com