More Dangerous than Kim Jong Un

Canada’s Prime Minister Stephen Harper

I apologize to those of you who thought that this was going to be about me. It’s not. It is about the Prime Minister of Canada, Stephen Harper.  Kim Jong Un appears to be dangerous because he talks a lot of trash and backs it up by firing bottle rockets.  Stephen Harper is a silent man.  His weapons are covert and are not noticed until they have penetrated deeply into American culture.

His spy program is unparalleled in the cloak-and-dagger industry.  While other countries tend to get their spies to blend in with the general populace, Canadian spies climb to the top of their respective fields.  This is most true in the entertainment industry.

Why does infiltrating the Great American Entertainment Industry cause a big threat to national security?  Because entertainment is the last great export America possesses.  Canada has continually diluted American entertainment by sneaking spies like Justin Bieber, Celine Dion, and Norm MacDonald to sneak into the American entertainment industry.  It has gotten to the point that American entertainment is beginning to look like Canadian entertainment.  The transformation will be complete when poutine and Timbits become staples in “green rooms” across the country.

Stephen Harper must be stopped NOW!

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2012 in Review – January

January was a busy month for the campaign.  Debates, primaries, and caucuses dominated the month.  We learned what santorum is and hope it’s not on the carpet.  A supporter decided to come up with a definition for ahmnodt before someone from an opposing campaign did.

I learned about blowback during the New Hampshire primary.  I would have won Dixville Notch if I didn’t try to dump off Celine Dion CDs on the fine people there.  It also showed that I was once again a trendsetter in politics.

NBC had embeds for other candidates; but as part of the conspiracy to make sure I was not elected, I did not get an embed to give updates for my campaign.  The month ended with a rare correct prediction about football.

2012 came off to a good start (aside from the primaries and caucuses.)

Observations on Recent Events

I spent most of today trying to catch up on what has been happening in the news since Election Day.  I haven’t watched the news because I have been vacationing and I had custody of my daughter for most of the last week.  Below is my synopsis of some recent events:

• Colorado and Washington legalizing marijuana for recreational use –  I support this and on the surface this is good news.  There is bad news and I will explain that later.
• Petraeusgate – Former CIA Director David Petraeus resigned following a much-publicized sex scandal.  My campaign could use publicity like that.  I am not below admitting that I can use the sex.
• Israel vs. Hamas and the Palestinians – I have received heat for what I am about to say in the past, but it bears repeating.  The United States should not get involved in the conflict until the Canadian dilemma is settled.  Canadian spies like William Shatner, Celine Dion, and Justin Bieber infiltrating and sabotaging the Great American Entertainment Industry must be deported and American entertainment must be restored to its greatness.
• Hostess Closing Down – This is bad news on many levels.  I blame the marketing team for the folding of the company.  While it is easy to blame the management for being overpaid or the unions for wanting too much, I blame the marketing team for undervaluing their products.  I would have sold Twinkees at 40% higher than the suggested retail price.  They were at least that much better than Little Debbie’s.  Legalizing marijuana just isn’t the same withoout munching on Twinkees or Ho-Ho’s.

Tonight is my last night in Virginia Beach.  I head to my parents’ home in Washington, DC tomorrow for Thanksgiving week and head home Friday afternoon.

Blowback

Experiencing blowback is humbling.  I was the first of the 2012 candidates to visit Dixville Notch.  I was hoping that visit might have been enough to secure a win or at least get enough votes to be competitive and set the tone for today’s primary in New Hampshire.  Dixville Notch voters vote at midnight and announce their results soon after.  I did not get any votes in either the Republican or Democratic primaries.   I looked back at my campaigning notes to try to figure out why I did so poorly.  It took me a while to find it, but I found out why:  I had made a terrible faux-pas when I visited Dixville Notch.

The faux-pas involved handing out Celine Dion and William Shatner CDs when I was there.  Dixville Notch might be near Canada, but their hearts are all-American.  I don’t know if this translate into wanting to go to war with Canada, but I lost my trust after trying to unload the CDs.

I am hoping the rest of New Hampshire doesn’t find out about the debacle in Dixville Notch and I can fare well.  Not hearing my name among votes received isn’t going to help.  I will be in New Hampshire tomorrow afternoon and access the results of today’s primaries and come up with a campaign strategy to have my name and platform resonate with the people of New Hampshire.

The Untitled Blog Entry

Yesterday was Betty Poundcake’s funeral.  It turned out that she didn’t have many male friends so I ended up being a poll bearer.  There were only four of us carrying the casket.  Betty’s brothers were carrying in the front while Betty’s son Junior (Kyle Poundcake, Jr.) and I were in the back.  The casket was about to be hoisted into the hearse when Betty’s brother Karl collapsed.  His sudden collapse and the lack of manpower around led to the side of the casket slamming into my knee.  I was in excruciating pain, but the casket still had to go into the hearse.  It took the three of us a while, but we were able to get the casket into the hearse.

The next problem was getting the casket out of the hearse and into the hole that was dug.  My pain wasn’t any better.  As I was bending my knee, I was emitting sounds that resembled a porpoise.  My body was shaking from the pain.  Just before the casket was fully lowered, I let out a deafening yelp.

I went to the hospital after the service.  The pain was sharp and constant.  It was like listening to Celine Dion sing while she scratched a blackboard.  I wanted my mommy.

The doctor saw me and gave me an apple.  I thought it was an odd gesture.  The doctor chuckled and said “An apple a day…  I guess that it doesn’t always work.”

“What doesn’t always work?”  I asked.

“Your health care plan.  Here you are seeing a doctor anyway.”

The presumption of my health care plan is that many diseases are avoidable and that people generally do not take very good care of themselves.  Injuries are another subject.  They are usually avoidable, but unlike health issues of a poorly maintained body, injuries can be caused by another person with no way the injured can avoid it.

I reminded the doctor of the hypocritical oath.  (He corrected me, it’s actually “Hypocratic Oath.”  It turned out that there was no ligament damage, but the knee was badly bruised.  He placed an ice pack on the knee and started singing, “Ice, Ice, Baby.”

I woke up at 5:30AM this morning and wrapped an ice pack on my knee and drove home.  I just got home at 4:00 and now have my knee up.  I will soon be taking a nap followed by the premier of my video show live at 10:00PM Eastern.

Vernon Needs My Help!

My new town is messed up.  I have lived here in Vernon for two years.  I have never see a town deteriorate so fast.  I know that I said yesterday that the only job I was interested in was President and I went to a long discussion why I couldn’t be a senator.

My town of Vernon, New Jersey has three major issues:  Bears (the largest bear population in the U.S. per square mile), cameras at stop lights, and the repeal of the grass-size limit on lawns.  Property taxes are too high,  and we get little for what we pay.

I wanted to run for Mayor, but things are done a bit differently here.  We elect five town council members and the council members choose which one of them will become the mayor.  There is some things I can do as a town council member.  In addition to tackling the issues above, I can help get a movie theater in Vernon and name the street that movie theater is on “Celine Dion Street.”

I would also write legislation that would ban blogging on April Fools’ Day.  Or I would at least mandate that an April Fool’s blog intended to fool people end with “APRIL FOOL’S”.

Ahmnodt Heare in Hospital

I should tell you that I am Ahmnodt Heare’s neighbor and not Ahmnodt Heare.  Mr. Heare was rushed to the hospital after he slipped on his rubber duckie in the bathtub.  I heard a loud thump as my condo is next to his.  I rushed over and was fortunate that his front door was unlocked.  I found him conscious, but quite disoriented.  The first clue that I felt he was disoriented was that he wanted to go to a movie.  He got out of the tub and was a bit wobbly.  The clincher that made me call 911 was when he asked me to look for his Celine Dion CD.

I don’t know Ahmnodt that well but from the few discussions we have had, I knew that he thinks the Motion Picture Association of America is evil and he thinks that Celine Dion is a Canadian spy sent to destroy the American music industry.

He told me where he keeps his passwords for his blog (in the office, underneath the “Hello Kitty” bobble-head doll. He told me to write what has happened to him and with any luck, he’ll be back to blogging tomorrow.  I had to cross out the location of the passwords because I don’t think Ahmnodt wants people to know that he keeps passwords underneath the “Hello Kitty” bobble-head doll.

I am hoping he is well and he will be released from the hospital either later today or tomorrow.