Another Politician Follows My Lead

I made a stop on Chew Street in Allentown, PA to meet an old college buddy between campaign stops.  There is a cemetery across the street from his apartment.  A middle-aged man was talking to a tombstone.  He walked to the next tombstone and talked to that one.  My curiosity was getting to me.

“I am asking for your vote.” he said to the tombstone .   He was campaigning in the cemetery, something I started doing this two years ago as a way to siphon votes from Democrats.  He had a good message, but he was going about it all wrong.  Below is the advice I gave him (which you should use when campaigning for me in cemeteries)

• Talk to the burial spot – not to the tombstone.  Many newbies make this mistake and it’s often costly.  The deceased will think you are talking to somebody else or they will think you are crazy for talking to a piece of granite.
• Get low – They are under ground and have a hard time hearing you with all of that dirt on top of them.  They also can’t get their head up any higher.
• Listen to them – This can’t be emphasized enough.  Many loved ones make the mistake of talking but not listening.  Don’t be a loved one – listen!

The fellow, who is running for Allentown City Council as an independent, was a quick learner.  From what I was able to hear from the deceased, they were happy with him and many have intended to vote for him.

Advertisement

Staying on Course

Yesterday was a bad day to maintain my campaign schedule, but I did it.  The pouring rain and the howling winds did not stop me from campaigning at the cemeteries.  If I am going to be an advocate for the deceased, then there are going to be sacrifices I am going to have to make to show them that I support their cause.  They’re not going to vote just because it’s Election Day.  They need help and motivation.

I had a sense most of the people were glad I came to see them on such a horrific weather day.  I spent most of the day dodging branches blown off of trees and ended up in puddles a couple of times.  It was hard at times to keep from falling as the grounds were muddy and slippery.

Below is a small excerpt from my speech:

Ladies and Gentlemen:  You might think that now that you are dead that Congress will stop taxing you.  This is not true.  Congress wants to tax you more because they feel you can’t stop them.  This tax hurts your children and their children.  If you elect me President, I will make sure dead people are never taxed again!  This is the only way the deceased can rest in peace!…

I am continuing my crusade for the dead today at the county morgue.  I will resume campaigning for the living tomorrow.

Campaigning Schedule Jan 25 – 30

I am not speaking to any groups this week, but I will be out campaigning to get my campaign some word-of-mouth exposure.  While this will not give my campaign the exposure that a thirty-second ad would, I will have instant results (for the most part) of the effectiveness of my campaign.

Monday 1/25: – I will be campaigning in cemeteries in the Monroe, NY and Chester, NY areas.  This will take me a while to measure the results as most of the deceased will not be able to register to vote immediately.  I will probably have to wait for a news story to appear of party leaders commenting about the spike in registered deceased voters.

1/26 – Orange County Morgue – Goshen, NY: Unlike cemeteries, these people are recently deceased and could very well be registered voters.  They will need assurance that just because they are dead, it doesn’t mean that nobody is fighting for their rights.

1/27 – Woodbury Commons, Central Valley, NY: Many of these people are still alive and are probably feeling the effects of the economy.  I will distribute copies of my economic bailout plan and explain why my bailout plan is better than bailout plans offered by either President Obama or former President Bush.

8:00 PM (Eastern) – Real-time blogging of the State of the Union Address.

1/28 – Meet Ahmnodt Heare – Planet Pizza, Monroe, NY: I will have lunch at Planet Pizza this Thursday.  I will answer questions you may have about my campaign as soon as I am finished eating.  (My mother always harps on me about talking with my mouth full, so I will not be able to answer questions while I am eating.)

1/29 – Telepathic Teleconference: I will be hosting a telepathic teleconference at Noon on Friday.  All my fellow telepathetic people are welcome to attend.

1/30 – Boycott the Cinemafia Day: I encourage everybody to do anything on Saturday except watch a movie.  This includes home, at the theather, in prison, and anywhere else.

My work week will be pretty full, but since I have a full slate of clients, I can work around my campaigning schedule.  Please attend at least one of these events.  I am looking forward to meeting you.

Dead People Voting

My long hard work of campaigning in cemeteries and morgues is paying off according to a Fox News article.  Americans for Limited Government President Bill Wilson seems to have issues with my campaign strategy and garnishing votes from the deceased population.  He’s jealous because as the only candidate who campaigns to the deceased and sympathizes with their issues, my message resonates with dead dead people more with Bill Wilson’s message.

The main reason why I campaign in cemeteries and morgues is because those places are not internet-ready and people there are unable to read my blog while decomposing.  I think every dead person who takes the time to cast a vote deserves to have his or her voice heard.  We cannot allow necrophobes to continue to deny people their right to vote just because they are deceased.

Off to the Morgue!

I used to campaign in cemeteries.  Dead people vote in Philadelphia and Chicago all the time.  I was not about to concede a Democratic Party monopoly when it comes to the deceased.  So I would spend at least one day a week campaigning in cemeteries.  Things were going well until I was one-upped by a gentleman from Massachusetts running for Senate.  He was able to get dead people to register to vote.

I have learned through various sources that a voter has to vote at least once every four years to keep his or her registration active.  I want to take the time to register the deceased people to vote, but there are living people whose votes I need also.  Instead of campaigning at cemeteries, I will be doing campaigns at morgues and at funeral parlors (between viewings).  Because people at morgues and funeral parlors are recently deceased, they are probably still registered and probably voted in November’s record-turnout election.

I will be hitting the morgues tonight and the funeral parlors from time-to-time starting Monday.