Making Sense of Good News

I stumbled upon some very good news after stumbling upon some very bad news.  First the bad news:  Florida has purged 53,000 dead voters from the voter registration rolls.  This means if I am going to win Florida, I am going to have to campaign to people who are still alive.

The good news comes from the Department of Justice.  They are now telling election clerks not to purge the deceased from the voter rolls in other states.  This is great news for the campaign as long as I am the the only candidate campaigning in cemeteries and in morgues.

My Florida strategy is going to need a ton of work.  I can’t campaign to the deceased anymore because they are being taken off of voter rolls.  Florida has the largest senior citizen population in the country.  Some of them will pass away between now and Election name and their names will be purged.

Florida is also known for Election Day fiascoes.  2000 had counts, recounts, hanging chads, swinging chads, Chad Ochocinco, voter rolls being purged, butterfly ballots, and yuppie riots.  Who knows what will happen in 2012?

It looks like the other 49 states and the District of Columbia will not be purging their voter rolls.  While Democrats in Chicago and Philadelphia might think this is good news, they haven’t been campaigning in cemeteries like my campaign has.  (Though I was roughed up by a couple of Obama supporters in Philadelphia after a graveyard campaign rally.)

I will be campaigning in New York City (to people who are still living) on Wednesday night.  The Southern California Campaign Extravaganza is expecting to get off the ground in the first week of June.

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Changing my Name

I am thinking about changing my last name.  People change their names all the time to get themselves noticed.  Few people know who Jay Scott Greenspan, Jennifer Anastassakis, or Krishna Bhanji are, but we all know know who Jason Alexander, Jennifer Aniston, and Ben Kingsley are.

More recently, The Cincinnati Bengals’ Chad Johnson changed his name to Chad Ochocinco.  Ochocinco comes from the “85” in his jersey number.  “Ocho” is “Eight” and “Cinco” is “Five”.  Nobody confuses Chad Johnson of the Bengals with Chad Johnson, the goalie for the Hartford Wolfpack (The New York Rangers’ minor league affiliate) anymore.  The name change has worked out quite well for him.

My name change will be similar to Chad Ochocinco’s.  My first name will still be Ahmnodt.  I am named after the great Bulgarian sculptor Ahmnodt Fukinov, who recently passed away.  Neither of my parents would approve my changing my first name.  The change will be my last name.  I am thinking of changing my last name to Ahmnodt Cuatrocinco.  “Cuatro” is “four” and “cinco” is “five.”  “Forty-five” represents my being the forty-fifth President of the United States.

The name changes has it advantages, but it also has a few disadvantages:

• Coming up with a catchy acronym for “Cuatrocinco” that people will remember to learn how to spell my last name.  I might as well write a book and try to recite it.
• My daughter Patricia gets teased enough from kids whose mother and father are married and have the same last name.  I never married her mother, but Patricia has my last name.
• “Ahmnodt Cuatrocinco for America.  Ahmnodt Cuatrocinco for You.” doesn’t have the same ring to it as “Ahmnodt Heare for America.  Ahmnodt Heare for You.” does.

Should I change it or leave my name as it is?  Please leave a comment with your opinion.  I will weigh all opinions carefully before making a decision.  Thank you for your help in this matter.