Advice for Mitt Romney

It’s odd that I, a candidate for President of the United States, would give an opponent advice.  But after Mitt Romney bungled his foreign campaign trip, I can offer him some friendly advice.  There are only 98 days until Election Day and I doubt he will be doing any more campaigning overseas.  Below is some tidbits he can use abroad:

• Answer the media’s questions. – If you don’t talk to the media, the media will attack.  They will say that you are “out of touch” or that other candidates give out better donuts at press conferences.
• Find out the cultures of the countries you will visit and don’t step on their toes. –  People will frown on incidents like eating bacon at the Wailing Wall or saying “Erin go Bragh” at a bar in London.
• Mingle with the people. – You represent America more than most Americans because you are applying for leadership.  America has a bad image overseas except for cities after I have campaigned there.  The more likable America is, the less likely we will be attacked in the future.
• Refrain from bragging about America’s greatness.  America is a great country, but the first thing people will do after hearing that is ask, “If it’s a great country, why in the hell are you campaigning in my country?”.

Follow this advice in the future and you will have a more successful trip overseas.  The  people there will tweet the people here to vote for you.  (Unless they don’t have a Twitter account.)

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Looking at the Future

One of the harshest realities in life is that we all get older.  Even the lovely and talented Vanna White will get older.  Someday, we will no longer be blessed to have Vanna turn the letters.  What will happen to American culture then?

Can we find someone as beautiful as Vanna White?  I’d hate to admit it, but we can.  Can we find somebody as talented as Vanna?  We probably can.  Can we find someone as nice as Her?  We probably can.  Can we find someone as beautiful, talented, and nice as Vanna?  Hell no!  America’s culture is screwed!

We can make an ugly person beautiful with cosmetic surgery.  We can find someone to worh hard to develope talent.  Being nice is not something developed in a lab.  Either you are nice or you are not.  And if you are nice, after going throough surgery to become beautiful and putting in the work required to become talented, you probably won’t be.

This is a very special era in American cultural history.  Enjoy it while you can.

Sometimes You Need to Rant

http://yorksranter.wordpress.com/2008/11/28/a-short-film-about-killing-turkeys/

This is an anti-American rant from somebody in England.  He or she doesn’t like that the president pardons a turkey every Thanksgiving.

Let me tell you about British elitism.  but before I do, I will tell you this little tidbit.  There are only two societies in the world where incest occurs at an alarming rate.  In America, we call them “hicks”, in Great Britian, they’re called, “royalty.”

It seems that things are going so slow in the British news cycle that people there are watching our president pardon a turkey.  They claim they don’t like Americans, but they can’t get enough of America in their newscasts.  It’s not that we in the States are too stupid to know that Gordon Brown is their prime minister.  It’s that we don’t care.

I am deeply disturbed at the American media’s obsession over royal inbreds and I wish it would stop.  What the “Royal Family” does has little to do with international affairs and much to do with pomp and fluff.

Note to rants like the one who posted the article I am referring to:  We know that some aspects of American culture leaves much to be desired.  However; your poop also reeks.