Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

I Have to Speak Out

Despite my personal life getting complicated, I have been able to hit the campaign trail.  There is a growing dislike of Canadians from everybody that I talk to.  The hatred started building last month when US government officials were contemplating taking my advice and deporting Canadian spy Justin Bieber.  It built up a bit more last week when Canada’s men’s and women’s hockey teams beat their American counterparts in the men’s semifinals and the women’s gold medal games, respectively.

The final straw has come this week with Canada invading American air space with their “Operation Polar Vortex”.  I am convinced that this is a directive given out by Prime Minister Stephen Harper.  I have decided not to wait until “President” Obama decides he is going to do something.  The planning stages are already underway for what I am calling, “Operation Gulf Melt” aimed at Canadian curling rinks.  Anybody can roll a stone on ice, but it takes American talent to skip a stone on water.

I am currently having difficulties finding a place to host my radio and television shows podcasts.  My father doesn’t like it that I have taken to yelling and my mother keeps a bar of Safeguard nearby.  They are both doing better, but neither able to live alone.

I will be in Delmar (either Delaware or Maryland – I forget which one, though the two Delmars do border each other.) campaigning this Friday and Saturday.  I hope to see you there!

February 26, 2014 Posted by | Ahmnodt, Canada, commentary, foreign policy, humor, Personal Life, satire | , , , , , , | Comments Off on I Have to Speak Out

Rethinking my Foreign Policy

War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shatner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.

Here is the summary from that link:

  • Wars shall only be fought between 9:00AM and 5:00PM Mondays through Fridays.  This will allow our troops to come home for dinner every night and weekends.  It is important to keep morale high.  There will be no fighting on holidays (American or Canadian)
  • No bombing of hockey rinks, Tim Horton’s, or curling ponds.  We don’t hate Canadians, just the Canadian government, and specifically, those agencies responsible.
  • To show that the Canadians are willing to play fair, they have promised no arctic cold fronts during the summer.

Unfortunately, events have occurred in recent days that have made me think I should revise my foreign policy as it applies to Canada.  I have observed that Canadian people are having a hard time dealing with the fact that the USA hockey team beat their team at their national sport.  The people in Vancouver were booing their Canucks’ Ryan Kesler every time he touched the puck in today’s game between the United States and Switzerland.  They harassed supporters of my campaign when they held “Ahmnodt Heare for President” signs behind the Swiss penalty box.  Security confiscated the signs and escorted them out of the arena.

I have revised my policy as follows:

  • War will still be from 9-to-5.  But there will also be war on Saturdays.  There will be war on Canada Day and Boxing Day unless those days falls on a Sunday.
  • While the ban on bombing Tim Horton’s and hockey rinks are still in effect, the ban on Curling rinks will be lifted.  Curling is not a real sport.  If it was, Americans would have done well at the Olympics.
  • If these actions are not enough, I will sign an executive order forcing tropical warm fronts to invade Canada during outdoor hockey and curling tournaments.

I am a reasonable man.  I am sure we can work things out.

February 24, 2010 Posted by | campaign, Canada, commentary, editorial, entertainment, humor, issues, satire, War | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The XXI Winter Olympiad

The opening of the Olympic Games starts tonight in Vancouver,  British Columbia.  Contrary to what you may think, I am wishing success in the Olympics.  Remember, it’s the Canadian government, not the Canadian people, who are responsible for the deterioration of American entertainment by allowing their spies William Shatner and Celine Dion to saturate the once excellent American entertainment industry.

Much is being said about the fact that there is no snow in Vancouver.  For those not familiar with Canadian climate, while most of Canada is known for cold and snowy winters, Vancouver gets little snow and usually has warmer winters than New York City.  This is because of its proximity to the Pacific Ocean, which brings warm winds to the North American coastline.  If you go an hour inland, you’ll get the cold and snow known as Canada.

Canada will probably win the most medals because they are home and have a lot of people who are used to brutal winters and are acclimated to winter sports.  They will not win the gold medal in Men’s Hockey though.  That distinction will go to the Russian team.  The Russians will win the gold because they have the most Washington Capitals on the team.  Alexander Ovechkin is the best player in hockey.  Alexander Semin will be a solid second-line player on a team filled with talent.  Semyon Varmalov is a better goalie than Jose Theodore (last night’s game against Ottawa excluded) and is capable of making big saves.  Evgeni Nabokov is one of the best goalies in the NHL and will be good enough to allow fewer goals than the Russians will score.

I am going to make 2010 the year I know what Curling is.

February 12, 2010 Posted by | Canada, commentary, editorial, entertainment, humor, satire | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

A Look at my Platform – War

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on war.

War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shattner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.

To the best of most people’s knowledge, Iraq had nothing to do with September 11.  They also had nothing to do with the Oklahoma City bombing, the Centennial Park bombing, or the production of “Hello Larry.”  While it can’t be proven Canada was involved in any of the forementioned actions, Canada has attacked the United States in unconventional methods.  They have tainted American entertainment.

How has Canada wrecked our entertainment?  They wrecked it by allowing their spies to infiltrate the United States and poise as “entertainers.”  William Shattner, Celiene Dion, and Anne Murray are just a few spies posing as “entertainers.”   Not all Canadian entertainers are spies, though.  Chris Farley could act.  Shania Twain can sing.  Brian Mulrooney is one hell of a comedian.

We have already tried sanctions.  We have been boycotting hockey since the 2005-2006 season.  We have flooded the Caniadian airwaves with Britney Spears and the Jonas Brothers.  None of these actions have worked.  War is the only option left.

I am not a typical “rah-rah” war guy.  I have set some rules for a war with Canada to make sure nobody gets hurt.

  • Wars shall only be fought between 9:00AM and 5:00PM Mondays through Fridays.  This will allow our troops to come home for dinner every night and weekends.  It is important to keep morale high.  There will be no fighting on holidays (American or Canadian)
  • No bombing of hockey rinks, Tim Horton’s, or curling ponds.  We don’t hate Canadians, just the Canadian government, and specifically, those agencies responsible.
  • To show that the Canadians are willing to play fair, they have promised no arctic cold fronts during the summer.

It will take a lot of work to get American entertainment back to a level of excellence.  But we will prevail and we will be entertained again.

May 20, 2009 Posted by | campaign, Canada, commentary, editorial, foreign policy, Iraq, Platform, satire | , , , , , | 6 Comments

   

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