The Days Ahead

This is a slow week for my business, but starting next week, I will be busy for the next two months.  The Christmas strategies I have set up for my clients are in the implementation stage.  Basically, the week will comprise of spending 30-40 minutes a day looking at data and not much else.  The first Monday in December is when my clients start looking for a new campaign for the new year.  The first week in January is when I start picking up new clients as they are looking for a new marketing plan and get better results.

My work day started at 8:30AM and ended at 9:10.  It will be like that the rest of the week,  This will give me a lot of time to campaign.  It starts tonight as I go to Kiryas Joel, NY for the lighting of the town’s menorah celebrating the start of Hanukkah.  I will campaign there until 7:30 before heading home and setting up for tonight’s podcast at 9:00PM Eastern.

Tomorrow will be spent at the morgue as I campaign to those who have recently deceased as many of them are still registered to vote and will remained registered if they vote in 2012,  The night will be spent going to neighborhood bars campaigning to drunks before they pass out.

Thursday will be spent at gas stations touting my energy plan.  Gas prices have spiraled upward in recent weeks and I want to put a stop to it.  I will also go to Rahway State Prison and campaign on death row.  (As soon as they are executed, they will be dead and be able to vote,)

I will not campaign during the day on Friday as I will have to spend some time Christmas shopping.  I think I will buy bschooled some tampons so she can make some of her critically acclaimed tampon sculptures.  Friday night will be spent in town.  I will campaign as the town’s Christmas tree is lit during an otherwise boring ceremony.

I will be quite busy even though I will not be working.

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Another Politician Follows My Lead

I made a stop on Chew Street in Allentown, PA to meet an old college buddy between campaign stops.  There is a cemetery across the street from his apartment.  A middle-aged man was talking to a tombstone.  He walked to the next tombstone and talked to that one.  My curiosity was getting to me.

“I am asking for your vote.” he said to the tombstone .   He was campaigning in the cemetery, something I started doing this two years ago as a way to siphon votes from Democrats.  He had a good message, but he was going about it all wrong.  Below is the advice I gave him (which you should use when campaigning for me in cemeteries)

• Talk to the burial spot – not to the tombstone.  Many newbies make this mistake and it’s often costly.  The deceased will think you are talking to somebody else or they will think you are crazy for talking to a piece of granite.
• Get low – They are under ground and have a hard time hearing you with all of that dirt on top of them.  They also can’t get their head up any higher.
• Listen to them – This can’t be emphasized enough.  Many loved ones make the mistake of talking but not listening.  Don’t be a loved one – listen!

The fellow, who is running for Allentown City Council as an independent, was a quick learner.  From what I was able to hear from the deceased, they were happy with him and many have intended to vote for him.

Dead People Voting

My long hard work of campaigning in cemeteries and morgues is paying off according to a Fox News article.  Americans for Limited Government President Bill Wilson seems to have issues with my campaign strategy and garnishing votes from the deceased population.  He’s jealous because as the only candidate who campaigns to the deceased and sympathizes with their issues, my message resonates with dead dead people more with Bill Wilson’s message.

The main reason why I campaign in cemeteries and morgues is because those places are not internet-ready and people there are unable to read my blog while decomposing.  I think every dead person who takes the time to cast a vote deserves to have his or her voice heard.  We cannot allow necrophobes to continue to deny people their right to vote just because they are deceased.

Rough Weekend

I decided this weekend that I was going to hold town-hall-style meetings.  Unlike the Democratic Senators and House members, my meeting wasn’t limited to health care.

Saturday 8/8 3:00PM – Hallion Lanes

I was  discussing my Affordabile Entertainment platform with bowlers.  I had mentioned that movies, sporting events, and concerts have become too expensive for many Americans to enjoy.  The manager of the bowling alley threw me out because he didn’t like that I was complaining about the price of entertainment.  I tried to assure him that I wasn’t including bowling as a form of entertainment that was expensive.  In fact; I was trying to convey that other forms of entertainment could learn from bowling alleys on how to keep entertainment affordable, but I was thrown out before saying it.

Saturday 8/8 8:00 PM – Oakville Seniors’ Center

I was discussing how my plan of allowing seniors to buy premium dog food at generic dog food prices when an elderly man started yelling that he wanted government having no part of determining what is premium and what is generic.  I explained to him that premium dog food is generally dog food that has commercials.  He said I had no business determining what is premium and what is generic and told me to go to Hell.

Sunday 8/9 10:00AM – Bryson Park

No speeches, but I stepped in dog poo while jogging.  I went to the side and tried to scrape the poo off of my sneaker when I was hit from behind from a jogger who was texting.  I suffered a broken nose and scrapes on both of my ankles.

Sunday 7:30 PM – Vernon Cemetery

I was campaigning to the deceased, promising them I would repeal the “Death Tax”.  A woman overheard me and asked what I was talking about.  I told her I was campaigning to the deceased because I was tired of Democrats getting all of the deceased votes.  She called me a “Loony Republican”  I told her that I was an Independent who has better ideas than either Democrats or Republicans.  She laughed in my face, pinched my bandaged nose, and walked away.  If my nose wasn’t in so much pain, i would have better appreciated how she looked in khaki pants.

I’m hoping the work week isn’t as bad as the weekend was.

Crunching Numbers

I have been looking at some poll data I have collected over the last month as well as the numbers from the last election.  While the numbers as a whole look discouraging, there are segments that look encouraging.  Numbers look good among the following groups:

• Trailer Park Residents
• Deceased
• Residents of Togo
• Regulars at “Disco Night”
• Unregulated Internet Polls

While the numbers look good with the groups listed above, I have a lot of work to do with these groups:

• Clergy
• Business leaders
• Librarians
• Registered Voters

I see a gradual increase in many of the groups where I am polling well and a decrease in the numbers of people in the group below (except librarians).  More people are moving to trailer parks every day as the result of the economy.   People continue to die on a regular basis.  Togo’s population continues to increase.  I am a bit concerned about the lack of popularity of “Dicco Nights”.    I beat McCain and Obama in almost every poll I conducted last year.

With a little more work, I will be able to poll better in the areas I am currently weak in polling.  (Except maybe the clergy.)

Off to the Morgue!

I used to campaign in cemeteries.  Dead people vote in Philadelphia and Chicago all the time.  I was not about to concede a Democratic Party monopoly when it comes to the deceased.  So I would spend at least one day a week campaigning in cemeteries.  Things were going well until I was one-upped by a gentleman from Massachusetts running for Senate.  He was able to get dead people to register to vote.

I have learned through various sources that a voter has to vote at least once every four years to keep his or her registration active.  I want to take the time to register the deceased people to vote, but there are living people whose votes I need also.  Instead of campaigning at cemeteries, I will be doing campaigns at morgues and at funeral parlors (between viewings).  Because people at morgues and funeral parlors are recently deceased, they are probably still registered and probably voted in November’s record-turnout election.

I will be hitting the morgues tonight and the funeral parlors from time-to-time starting Monday.

So Far, Not So Good

I was hoping my campaigning in Dixville Notch would have paid off, but it seems that it hasn’t.  Dixville Notch is the first community in the country to vote and often announce their results around 12:05 AM.

I am also hearing complaints from the deceased in this election.  Many are saying that they are not allowed to vote while others found that somebody had voted for Barack Obama on thier behalf.