Allegations Confronted

The pressure is on the Obama and Romney campaigns.  They and their supporters have stopped at nothing to try to smear my campaign. Below are the allegations followed by the truth:

• Ahmnodt Heare has been using performance-enhancing drugs – This is utterly false.  Polls from Reuters, Fox News, NBC, CBS, NY Times, The Onion, Wall Street Journal, and others both show Obama and Romney with substantial leads over everybody else.  I am not even mentioned in these polls.  If I was using these drugs, I would at least appear as a blip in the polls.
• Ahmnodt Heare plans to buy a majority share in Diebold – If I had that kind of money, I would have spent it on ads and election officials.  Diebold is a multi-billion dollar company who does not accept Marlboro Miles as currency.
• Ahmnodt Heare is planning an “October Surprise” – Well, duh!  Every campaign has an October surprise or two that they will use late in October to try to cripple opponents.  I will release mine on October 30.  (If I remember.)
• Ahmnodt Heare has been registering dead people to vote – What I have done is not registering dead people to vote.  What I have been doing is getting dead people to get themselves to register to vote.   Many of the recently deceased are already registered to vote and now need only to show up to vote.

I will address other allegations as they develop.  (Except for the embarrassing moment I had with a mannequin in the dressing room at Kohl’s. – I dismiss that as a “youthful indiscretion” as I was younger last weekend than I am now.)

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Back to the Grind

After a long weekend, I am ready to get back to work and the campaign trail.  It turns out that “Condoms for Cousins” wasn’t quite what I though it was.  it turned out to be a scheme devised by someone named Darrell Ray Cousins.  It had nothing to do with stopping blood relatives from reproducing.

I made a healthy contribution to OPEC driving from northwestern New Jersey to Greensboro, North Carolina.  My mind is cleared and I should be good to go through Election Day.  Though if I am going to act presidential like Bush 43 and Obama, I am going to have to take a lot more vacations.

One thing I took from the vacation is that I can find ways to be even more fiscally conservative.  I will not fly around the country on Air Force One.  My mode of transportation will be a bicycle with a bulletproof frame.  This will prevent damage to the bicycle should somebody try to assassinate it.  I am also going to replace the White House kitchen with a McDonald’s.  No Lobster Bisque for me, instead I will choose from the Dollar Value menu.

there will be other things I plan on tinkering this week.  Next week I plan on campaigning at Diebold.  Remember, it’s not the vote that counts, it’s who counts the vote.