Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

Things Left Unsaid

A presidential candidate often gives his (or her) opinion on many subjects.  Not all subjects involve politics.  As important as it is for me to talk about the issues of the day, it is equally important to know when NOT to comment.

One of the things I cannot comment on while I am running for President is how awful drivers are here in New Jersey.  It is especially unwise to mention how bad New Jersey drivers are while I am still living in New Jersey.  So I will refrain from mentioning how often they tailgate.  Some of them are so close that I can tell the color of their eyes.  As a general rule, I don’t want to know anything about the appearance of the driver behind me.  Mentioning little things like they like driving in parking lots like they’re freeways is a no-no. The fact that they tend to think that directional signals are optional would be huge faux-pas.  I will not comment on how New Jersey drivers pay the highest auto insurance rates FOR A REASON!

For the reasons listed above, I will be keeping my opinion of how people in New Jersey drive to myself.

May 24, 2013 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, editorial | , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Weirder by the Moment

My mother and my daughter are at my place.  My father is at a nearby hotel.  I am at the Starbucks across the street from the hospital I am staying at.

My father was kind enough to pick up my daughter on his way to my condo from Washington.  My daughter gets scared when my father freaks out when he drives.  (For some odd reason, she doesn’t get scared when I freak out when I am driving.  Since I do most of my driving in New Jersey, I freak out more than my father does.)

My daughter was so disturbed by riding up with my father that as soon as she got to my place, she told my mother that she wanted me to drive her home on Sunday, only I can’t because I was in the hospital.

The trip to the hospital was the result of my fainting and becoming unconscious while shopping for office supplies (staples, paper clips, model glue).  I was about to be released last night when the doctor who examined me saw some problems with my previous health records.  This doctor wanted to know how my other doctor came up with the conclusion that I had menstrual cramps and vaginal discharge.  There were other things I told the doctor that I didn’t tell him until after the bloodwork was done.

  • I have had extreme body temperature fluctuations for the past week.  It’s been as high as 101.3 and as low as 96.8 though most of the time I have been at normal body temperature.
  • I have lost eleven pounds in the past two weeks.  In the past, I would have been stoked because I was obese for a long time, but the sudden loss of weight has me near underweight.
  • My farts smell really really bad.  The rule of thumb is that your own farts don’t smell as bad, but these last few farts hurt my nose.  I can only imagine the damage it is doing to the general public.
  • I fell asleep during “Wheel of Fortune.”

More bloodwork is being done in the morning.  Hopefully it will just be a pill or two and maybe an antibiotic and I’ll be good to go.

 

March 24, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, health care, humor, Personal Life, satire | , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Inside the Numbers

The business courses I took in college has helped me look at numbers without getting overly baffled or falling asleep.  Unemployment numbers are supposedly falling, but there are some things I am seeing that would tend to seem otherwise.

One of the things I look at when determining unemployment rates is traffic over a course of a day.  Traffic should be heaviest between 6:00AM and 9:00AM and between 3:00PM and 6:00PM.  The roads are usually light between 9:00AM and 3:00PM with the only people driving are seniors, stay-at-home moms and dads, people who drive as part of their job, and the unemployed.

While the senior population is rising, it is not rising at a skyrocketing rate.  stay-at-home moms are working raising children.  They drive to the supermarket and to stores shopping for the family during the day (often with their children.)  People who drive as part of their jobs include pizza deliverers, police, sales and businesspeople, and drug dealers.  Traffic from these people hasn’t increased.

This leaves the unemployed.  I know that the spike is from unemployment because traffic has gotten lighter during rush hours (especially the morning rush, when many unemployed people are still sleeping.)  One would think the unemployed would spend their driving time driving to job interviews and to businesses to pick up job applications.  But they also can be found at places people who have a limited income due to a lack of a job probably do not belong.  They can be found at stores, at the gym (membership fees are not cheap), and at the nudie bar.

I usually determine economic growth by a different measurement than the numbers spewed by business publications.  I determine the growth of the economy by the number of tractor-trailers on the interstates.  The more tractor-trailers on the interstates, the more goods are being delivered and bought and the better the economy is.  There hasn’t been a lot of trucks on the highways for a couple of years with no real increase worth bragging about.  Notice there hasn’t been a story about a tired truck driver causing an accident lately?  It could be because there are fewer loads that need to be delivered.  There are also fewer tractor-trailer driving school commercials on TV during Jerry Springer.

When you hear a statistic, it is important to find the meaning of the statistic.  If the things you are seeing are contradicting the numbers, then chances are you are correct and the numbers are wrong.

December 22, 2011 Posted by | commentary, economy, editorial, humor, satire | , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Thought Process of People

It is important to understand people.  I have a basic understanding of people, but there is something that still baffles me.  It wouldn’t bother me except that it does.  Once I understand why people do this, I will shave a strong enough understanding of people to convey my message in a manner that they will enthusiastically support.  What I don’t understand about people is their inability to drive three blocks to work during a snowstorm, yet venture out a half hour to drive to the gym I work out at.

I normally work out twice a day:  10-11AM and 3-4PM.  The gym is usually sparse during those time periods.  Treadmills are readily available and it’s easy to go from machine to machine without waiting.  Today was a totally different story.  I should have gotten the hint when there was a wait for the wristband gym members get when they first enter the gym.  The lockers were crowded with naked middle-aged bald fat men.  Every piece of workout machinery was being used.  Every treadmill, rowing machine, and other machine I don’t usually use was in use.  Even every urinal and stall in the bathroom was occupied. (The urinals on the gym floor were vacant, but I am too shy to use those.)

Here is what separates me from most people:  If I can’t drive to work, it’s because I can’t drive anywhere.   I’m not going to go on a 30-mile journey if I can’t drive down the street.  If the needs arises to travel a long distance for pleasure, I just call in sick and go drive.  (I don’t do this now because I work out of my home and I need the clients to survive.- I don’t get sick days.)

If you are one of these people who will go on a road trip after not being able to go on a two block trip due to snow, please tell me why you do it so I can better understand you.  And please go to a different gym.

March 23, 2011 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, editorial, humor, satire | , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Trip Preparation

I am getting excited about my vacation that starts on Friday afternoon.  I will be driving to Saguache, Colorado.  Part of my time in Colorado will be spent in Fort Garland for Blanca Fest the following weekend.  Hopefully I won’t break my ankle this time and I’ll be able to partake in the hike that precedes the Blanca Fest festival.

For those who are interested in meeting up, I will be in Cleveland on Friday, Chicago on Saturday, and Grand Rapids, Nebraska on Sunday before arriving at Saguache early Monday afternoon.  Driving means I won’t have many of the problems I had last year.  But it also means I won’t be tweeting as often or looking at as much porn as I normally do.  I already have my camping gear packed and will have the rest of my stuff packed Thursday evening.

It turns out that the vacation route is nowhere near route I will be taking for the Affordable Entertainment Awareness walk-a-thon I will be doing starting in October.  It’s  also nowhere near the walk-a-thon I held last year in Liechtenstein.

The workload this week is rather heavy through Wednesday.  Thursday and Friday should be light and I am hoping to hit the road by 2PM Friday.  I will be too busy to host the radio show this Tuesday, but the show will left in what I hope will be fine hands.  The next two shows following that (August 17 and 24) will be on location from Fort Collins, Colorado.

It’s off to bed.  I have a lot to do, but not a lot of time to do it.  See you in America!

August 8, 2010 Posted by | campaign, commentary, satire | , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Evil that is Volkswagen

First Volkswagen wanted us to punch each other.  Now they want us to ignore our speed limits with their “Autobahn for All” event.  It’s not just ignoring the speed limits – it encourages reckless and aggressive driving while using sexual innuendos.

The latest commercial shows a couple taking a Volkswagen for a test drive.  The husband is driving with the salesman in the passenger’s seat and the hot wife in the back.  The wife gets excited and screams, “SHOOT THE GAP! SHOOT THE GAP!!!”  When a hottie screams “Shoot the gap!” I am going to shoot the gap.  I try to please ladies that way.

In order for the husband to shoot the gap, he has to drop off the salesman.  He has to weave through traffic and drive between two tractor-trailers and speed on the interstate.  Unlike the “Punch Dub” commercials, (which was just people punching people), this commercial encourages reckless driving in exchange for a little nookie.  The worst part of the commercial is that they don’t show the nookie after the husband speeds between the two tractor trailers.

I demand ethical behavior in commercials and will make this an executive order once I am President.  I will make America safer by allowing only socially responsible commercials to air.

UPDATE 7/30/10:

I would like to thank my supporters for pressuring Volkswagen into pulling the ad.

July 26, 2010 Posted by | campaign, commentary, editorial, humor, satire | , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Can’t Recover on “Recovery Day”

Yesterday was my birthday, but that is the least of the things I need to recover from.  I also need to recover from everything else that happened yesterday.

Breakfast:  Patricia wanted to make me breakfast.  I thought it was a good idea because I thought one of my parents was going to be in the kitchen helping her.  She decided to make pancakes and thought to make me one big pancake instead of a bunch of regular-sized pancakes.  She couldn’t find a way to flip the pancake because it took the entire frying pan.

Swimming:  We went swimming at the community pool.  I was in the pool with Patricia as she was swimming along the side of the pool.  A boy jumped in the pool without looking and his knee hit Patricia in the back.  I rushed her out of the pool.  She has a bruise on her back, but is otherwise fine.

Lunch:  We went to a local diner.  It was a bit busier than I would have like it, but diners are busy on Sunday afternoons.  My father ordered one scrambled egg, whole wheat toast, and a small tomato juice.  At least they got the toast correct.  He was also given two fried eggs and a large orange juice.  My father snapped like I hadn’t seen since I crashed his new Oldsmobile Cutlass into a telephone pole.  The owner of the diner was as fiery as my father and after a couple minutes we were thrown out of the diner.

My father was still in an extremely sour mood when it was time for my parents and Patricia to leave.  I did not feel comfortable letting my daughter ride while my father was irate so I summoned my mother to calm enough to have him calm enough to drive.  Keeping Patricia was the best decision under the circumstances.  Her mother was unhappy but understanding, and bringing her home on Wednesday works for both of us.

Bedtime:  Patricia is normally the sweetest child, but not last night.  she gets like my father was acting when she is tired but wants to stay up.  I thought she was never going to stop pouting and stomping her feet.  It was almost midnight before I was able to get her to bed.  Five hours later, I started my workday.

July 12, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt | , , , , , | 6 Comments

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