Secrets I Will Take to My Grave

It is important for a presidential candidate to be able to keep secrets.  The President of the Unites States is given confidential information every day.  If this information is leaked, it could give the enemy an upper hand.  Sometimes the enemy is a terrorist group or a leader of a rogue nation,  Other times, it’s a political opponent that is the enemy who can destroy you with leaked secrets.  Below are some secrets I will be taking to my grave:

• Grandma Oudda’s one-night tryst with one of Congressman Steny Hoyer’s political opponents.  Since Steny Hoyer beat the opponent anyway, there’s no reason to mention his or her name.
• The secret to the marinade that Olvey’s Steak House in Dover, Delaware uses.  You will never hear it from me that the secret is two drops of vanilla extract.
• I will never rat out the police officer who gave me my first speeding ticket that I saw him buying drugs from my neighbor a few months later.  The police chief would not like that.
• I would never tell on my mayor.  Sure he took $5000 from the town treasury fund to help pay for his personal car, but it was on sale for a limited time more.  If he waited longer, then he would have to take more money to pay for the car.

Secrets told to me stay with me.  I will be a President that you can trust.

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Allegations Confronted

The pressure is on the Obama and Romney campaigns.  They and their supporters have stopped at nothing to try to smear my campaign. Below are the allegations followed by the truth:

• Ahmnodt Heare has been using performance-enhancing drugs – This is utterly false.  Polls from Reuters, Fox News, NBC, CBS, NY Times, The Onion, Wall Street Journal, and others both show Obama and Romney with substantial leads over everybody else.  I am not even mentioned in these polls.  If I was using these drugs, I would at least appear as a blip in the polls.
• Ahmnodt Heare plans to buy a majority share in Diebold – If I had that kind of money, I would have spent it on ads and election officials.  Diebold is a multi-billion dollar company who does not accept Marlboro Miles as currency.
• Ahmnodt Heare is planning an “October Surprise” – Well, duh!  Every campaign has an October surprise or two that they will use late in October to try to cripple opponents.  I will release mine on October 30.  (If I remember.)
• Ahmnodt Heare has been registering dead people to vote – What I have done is not registering dead people to vote.  What I have been doing is getting dead people to get themselves to register to vote.   Many of the recently deceased are already registered to vote and now need only to show up to vote.

I will address other allegations as they develop.  (Except for the embarrassing moment I had with a mannequin in the dressing room at Kohl’s. – I dismiss that as a “youthful indiscretion” as I was younger last weekend than I am now.)

Ahmnodt a Role Model

People often look to others to set an example for themselves and others.  The last person that should be a role model is a politician.  I can break that trend.  People can look to me as an example (as long as they can overlook that I fathered a child out-of-wedlock and I was once arrested for possession of marijuana.)

Why most politicians are bad role models:

• Debt – Nearly every government at every level in the world has debt.  It is one thing to have debt as an individual.  It is another thing to incur debt on behalf of a group of people.  It is despicable that this is done year in and year out.
•  Sex Scandals – Most of the people thats get caught in sex scandals with politicians are not very attractive.  A few are downright ugly.  I pledge as President that if I ever get married, I will only cheat on my wife with the hottest women.
• Practice What You Preach – Many politicians do not practice what they preach.  Some don’t even practice what they legislate.   They will go as far as exempting themselves from the very laws they impose on us.  I think we have enough laws (too many laws if you include the laws that protect stupid people.)

Why I am a better role model:

• Drugs – I do not use drugs in public places or where cameras are present.
• I don’t use a payphone while driving.
• I have been a strong advocate of keeping predators away from children as well as lambasting producers of children’s shows for dressing girls like sex objects.

Choose your role models wisely.  Stay clear from career politicians, producers of children’s shows, and gym teachers.

My Softer Side

Some people have criticized me for being too harsh at times.  I could be, and I apologize if I seem harsh.  I decide that today is a good day to show my softer side.

Today is Canada Day.  It’s the day Canadians celebrate their independence by putting the Queen of England on their currency and declaring her a Canadian citizen.  I have been hard on Canadians.  I have nothing against the fine people of Canada.  It’s the Canadian government and their insistence on dumping spies like William Shatner and Justin Bieber on the great American entertainment industry.

Happy Canada Day to all of my Canadian supporters!  You will be happy to know that I am continuing to work to make sure Canadians can vote for me to be the leader of the Free World in next year’s elections.  Below are some greeting cards showing my support for Canadians:

No need to worry about an American exodus if I win the election!

The Capitals will win it next year. We won't riot if we won't because Washington is a classy city.

This won't be an issue once my health care plan is implemented.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

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A message for the Canadian government - I'm watching you!

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This is all I ask. (And William Shatner... And Celine Dion...)

Leading by Example

If there’s one thing Americans hate more than anything, it’s a hypocrite.  We are tired of people preaching to be faithful only to get caught cheating on their spouses.  We frown on people who tell us to conserve electricity only to have them run electric bills over $1,000 per month.  We also don’t want people telling us that the only way to have peace is through a never-ending war.

I don’t suggest people do anything unless I do it myself.  It might be an ego thing, but I think my advice is so good, I lead by example.  Below are just a few examples:

• Living a Green lifestyle – I think I champion a green lifestyle.  My house is green, my car is green, some of my clothes are green, and the carpeting in my house is green.  I even have green food coloring so my food can be green.
• Women’s Rights – I have never told a woman how to clean my house or what cleaning materials she should use.  I like strong independent women who don’t need me to tell them which brand of cleaner to use in scrubbing my toilet.
• Drugs – I do not tell others not to use any drugs that I have tried.  You will never hear me preach against the use of marijuana, cocaine, glue, or Tylenol.  While I haven’t used marijuana, cocaine. or Tylenol since I was 20, I just don’t sound credible telling others not to do it if I have tried it myself.
• Fiscal conservatism – Here is where I separate myself from those who claim to be fiscally conservative.  I am not spending any money for my campaign.  This means that I am not raising money for my campaign.  I am so frugal spending that I didn’t bother to file with the Federal Election Commission (FEC) because I didn’t want to pay a filing fee.  That is why my campaign is a write-in campaign.  Why would people raise and spend $70,000,000 for a $400,000 per year job?

Americans have lost faith in their leaders because few of them lead by example.  I always lead by example and practice what I preach.  This is why I am asking for your vote on November 6, 2012.

Roommate Wanted

Circumstances that have unfolded have compelled me to make one of my bedrooms available for rent.  The bedroom I am renting out is the master bedroom with its own bathroom.  Things we will share include the living room, dining room, kitchen, patio, and your girlfriend (if you have one.)

My bedroom is off limits.  There isn’t much in there.  I am only in there for two reasons and one of them is sleeping.  I am not to be disturbed when I am in my bedroom.

The third bedroom is my office.  I work out of my home and am often in my office.  I have sensitive client material that must be kept private.  The porn DVDs are also in there and are only available for my private viewing.

Rent is $400/month with the first month;s rent due upon moving in.  There are a few simple rules that must be followed:

• No illegal substances allowed on the premises,  This includes marijuana, heroin, opium, enriched uranium, cocaine, and any other substance that is illegal.  I have a sever-year-old daughter and I do not want her exposed to that stuff until she is in high school.
• No loud music between 7:30 PM and 8:00 PM on Mondays through Fridays.  “Wheel of Fortune” will be watched in peace.
• You will have to be elsewhere on February 18.  I will credit one’s day rent and pay for one night’s stay at a local hotel.  February 18 is Vanna White’s birthday.
• No live animal sacrifices – It’s hare to get animal blood stains out of carpets.

You will find that I am easy to get along with.  There will also be times when I will not be home as I campaign for president throughout America and Europe.  If you are interested, you can reach me through the “Contacts” tab of this blog.

Not Pleased With the Health Care Bill

Let’s assume for a minute that the health care bill does everything the Democrats say it will without the scary things Republicans say it will do.  I would still be against this bill.  While the bill offers a lot, there are still provisions missing from it that I feel it needs:

• Not all doctors will be able to collect from insurance companies:  Sure doctors can collect if they practice “conventional” medicine of chiropractic medicine, but my doctor practices Santeria medicine.  This bill discriminates against doctors who offer animal sacrifices for the wellness of others.
• Not all drugs are covered in drug plans.  There is no point in getting generic Viagra for $4 if you can’t get a generic case of beer for $4.  Beer contains alcohol, which is a drug.  Looking at some of the women I had been with over the years, I needed that case of beer before I would do anything that would require the use of Viagra.
• It offers little in preventive medicine.  This bill offers no discounts in preventions I feel would work.
• It doesn’t cut the cost of health care, just the amount you would pay out of your pocket.  (Remember, we’re assuming that the Democrats are correct with this bill – which they’re not.)  The price of premiums may be cut, but not the cost.  The government will pick up the costs that you’re not paying for now.  When I say “government”, I mean “taxpayer”, and when I say “taxpayer”, I mean you.

I am not a big fan on mandated health insurance.  Don’t ask me why this happens, but every time auto insurance becomes mandated in a state, the premiums increase.  The states with the lowest insurance rates are the few states that don’t mandate it.

One would figure that a bill as thick as a phone book would have been able to include everything, including the points I mentioned earlier.  This bill does not do that, so I am urging the House of Representatives not to pass this bill until my points are remedied.