An Easter Story

This is not your typical Easter story.  It has nothing to do with bunnies, eggs, chocolate, bonnets, or the resurrection of Jesus.  And although it does involve a family outing, it wasn’t my family with the outing.

I went to the Chinese restaurant for take-out to bring home.  Circumstances prevented me from traveling to see family this year,  so dinner was going to be a quiet day alone.  I couldn’t even do that right.  I ran into my neighbors, who were there for their family Easter Dinner.  They invited me to join them.  I did under the pretense that it was just my neighbors and their two children.  It was his parents, her parents, his mother’s brother, the wife’s brother and sister, their spouses and children.

His family and her family do not get along.  The reason why they had dinner at the Chinese restaurant to begin with was because their families couldn’t agree on who was going to host dinner.  The only restaurants in town open on Easter were the Chinese restaurant and the diner and the diner parking lot was full.

Like any other family disaster, the topic during dinner was politics.  I really didn’t want to do anything near campaigning because it was a holiday and I just wanted some peace of mind after the week I had with the tests and April Fool’s Day and all the other fiascoes I had to deal with.  The husband’s family are Obama supporters, the wife’s family are Romney supporters, and the nosy people dining at the table behind me were Santorum supporters.

It was only a matter of time before I had enough of the bickering and touted why I would be a better candidate than any of those people.  They ridiculed everything I said though all three of their candidates would equate to yet another George W. Bush term (The second straight term served by someone other than George W. Bush.  We were all escorted out by police following the food fight and loud vulgar language.

This weekend and this Easter were disappointing.  I am looking forward to getting back to the grind tomorrow.  Winging it just isn’t working.

 

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Maury Moments

A “Maury Moment” is the time spent waiting for test results.  “Test results” and “Lie detector tests” are themes of the Maury Povich show.  The first Maury moment I had was in the summer of 2002 when I would find out that “Ahmnodt the father.”  My daughter was born the following March.

The second moment was a couple weeks ago when I underwent some tests when I suddenly lost weight and became ill.  Those tests were inconclusive and I had to go to Albany on Monday to undergo more tests.

The third Maury moment was yesterday from when my doctor called me and wanted to see him that afternoon.  I was concerned that the urgency of having to meet the doctor could have been a bad thing.  It turns out that urgency was because the doctor was about to take a three-week vacation and didn’t want to leave me hanging all this time.

The good news is that whatever caused me to lose weight and become sick was temporary and my blood tests came back fine.  The bad news is that during the checkup, the doctor noticed that I was having difficulty breathing deeply.  I have to undergo more tests for breathing and a chest x-ray on Wednesday.  The doctor wouldn’t say it, but I think the “Simple Chronic Halitosis” I have been fighting has become “Complex Chronic Halitosis”.  He opted instead to blame it on my smoking.  He also advised I take it easy this weekend.

I will be alone this holiday weekend instead of heading to Washington DC to be with my daughter and my parents.  I will be holding a telepathic campaign rally Monday at 8:00PM Eastern / 5:00PM Pacific.  I am hoping the doctor will allow me to partake in the “Orgies for Abstinence” event this Friday night.  I have given up abstinence for Lent and am withholding my urge to abstain until Friday.

Off For the Weekend

Today is Good Friday.  The only project on my docket today is one that is almost complete and isn’t due for another two weeks.  It will take four hours to complete.  I decided to take today off and head to Washington early instead of working until 4 or 5PM and dealing with the extra traffic.

When I mean I will be off this weekend, I also mean that I will not be campaigning this weekend.  The weekend will be spent with my daughter and parents.  If things get slow, I might try to find some old high school friends and hang out.   Nudie bars are out of the question this weekend.  My daughter is only eight years old.  Besides, she asked too many questions the last time I took her there.

I am thinking of taking my daughter skee shooting tomorrow.  I have never gone skee shooting before, so it will be something we can learn together.  I might even buy her a gun for her own.  Family bonding helps make the holidays more enjoyable.

Happy Easter from the entire Ahmnodt Heare for President campaign team!  Go Caps!

Easter Sunrise Service

Sunday is usually the one day I get to sleep in.  Patricia’s mother Jeanetta wanted to take Patricia to a sunrise service in McLean, VA.  She was coming to pick her up at 6:00AM.  This meant I had to get up at 5:00, make Patricia breakfast, and get her showered and dressed by 6:00.  And I had to do this quietly because we are staying at my parents’ for the holiday and they are not morning people either.

I also got showered and dressed in my Easter attire.  (Button shirt and khaki pants, no pastels)  Jeanetta came to pick her up shortly after 6:00 and asked if I wanted to come to the service.  I assumed it was a sunrise service and people wouldn’t want to wake up that early on a Sunday, so I went.

We arrived at the church at 6:25 only to find problems finding a place to park.  It seemed EVERYBODY from the D.C. metro area was at this church.  It took a few minutes, but we found a parking spot and headed in the church.

The usher escorted us to our seats in the third row from the back.  We sat next to an empty spot, which was being saved by a man for his wife.  The wife returned to the spot.  I was in shock.  It was the woman I was dating for most of my junior and senior years at St. Thomas Francis University.  The breakup was ugly and borderline traumatic.

“Ahmnodt.”  she grunted.

“You’re not what?” her husband asked her.

“I’m not sitting next to Ahmnodt,”  she said with a blistering snideness.

Her husband moved to the spot and church service started.  The woman kept staring at me, even when I wasn’t stating at her.  I wanted to move to another seat, but by that time, the church was full.

Towards the end of the service, the pastor had us rise and asked everybody to hold hands of the people next to you.  This was an awkward moment.   As a general rule, I don’t hold another man’s hand.  I was a bit surprised that a request like this would be made in a church with the way they condemn homosexuality.

I didn’t hold his hand, but I started feeling guilty.  I was thinking that if the prayer the pastor was saying didn’t come true, that people would blame me just because I wouldn’t hold another man’s hand.

It dawned on me on the ride back to my parents’ house why we are still in two wars.  It seems that religious leaders always pray for peace.  Many places of worship lash out against homosexuality.  Then the pastor wants people to hold hands with one another regardless of gender.  There is probably somebody like me who refuses to hold another man’s hand.

Here is my solution for world peace:  Churches should assign seats boy-girl-boy-girl.  If there are gays and lesbians, they can be seated boy-boy or girl-girl.  Bisexuals can sit between gay people as a conduit between the gay parishioners and the straight.  The chain will remain intact and God will answer the prayer; thus bringing world peace.

Change in Plans

It turns out that my daughter will not moving up here in two weeks after all.  There is too much happening all around to have Patricia and her mother move up here any time soon.

March 26-28 – Nothing really happening but since Easter is the following weekend and I will be in Washington celebrating Easter with my parents.  It wouldn’t be fair to have Patricia go back and forth for two straight weekends.  I hate the drive myself and sometimes enter cuss mode once I get past Baltimore.

April 2-4 – Easter (I’ll be in Washington)

April 9-11  – “Orgies for Abstinence” – Not exactly the atmosphere a 7-year-old girl should be around.

April 16-18 and 23-25 – I will be going on vacation to San Diego.  I will be meeting Mexican independent candidate for President Noes Toiaqui for strategy sessions for both of us.

April 30-May 2 – Jeanetta and Patricia will be going to a family reunion in Virginia.  The Addams’ always get together that weekend and Patricia had a lot of fun at last year’s reunion.

May 7-9 – Mother’s Day – I will again be in D.C. to take my mother to Friendly’s like I do almost every year.

May 14-16 – Too close to the end of the school year to move Patricia.  The school year in Washington goes through June 18.  I will head down that weekend and help them move.  I will also be taking my father and Patrician to the Nationals’ game against the Chicago White Sox.  Patricia will come up with me the following day.

Patricia will spend at least next with my parents as her mother comes up here to look for a job.  I don’t know if I will have the spare bedroom ready by then so she’ll have to sleep on the couch.

Now that that is taken care of, I can spend more time working and attending to my clients.  (Not that either of those activities are fun.)

Orgies for Abstinence II

The first “Orgies for Abstinence” was successful enough that all of the women I was with practiced abstinence with me. (Even if they didn’t practice abstinence with others.)  I am pleased to announce that there will be a second “Orgies for Abstinence.”  It will always be the Friday night after Easter  (I didn’t want to leave out anybody giving up abstinence for Lent.)   The signup as well as additional information can be found on the “Orgies for Abstinence II” Facebook page.

Easter Show Canceled

I am going to be with family and friends all day.  My daughter Patricia will be here for a few days while she is on Spring Break.  It will be the first time I have unsupervised visitation with her since she drank me under the table just before she turned 5 years old.  There will be no alcohol for either of us this time.  There will be a special Tea Party show on Wednesday at 10PM Eastern.

Happy Easter from the Ahmnodt Heare for President campaign!