Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

Me vs Them – Education

The more money we throw at education, the less our children are learning.  It’s not the lack of money that is killing the education.  It’s what being taught (or more specifically, what’s not being taught that is killing education.)

The Republicans and Democrats have their plans to try to improve education.  Both involve money:

Republican candidates:  They want to use vouchers.  The vouchers would be used to send children to the schools of parents’ choice.  I have yet to hear how this would cut spending though.  Some Republicans are also advocates of homeschooling.  Here is my problem with homeschooling:  Where do you hold the prom? The living room?  The dining room?  And also, how would “Senior Cut Day” work?  It is a time-honored tradition.

Democratic candidates (Obama):  He wants the rich to pay their “fair share” (whatever that means.)  Most rich people pay more taxes than you or I do already.  Critics say that they can afford to pay more taxes, but if you could afford to pay $20 for a loaf for bread when the going price is $2.49, would you pay it?  Should you pay it?

Because the more money we spend on education the dumber out children are getting, I would cut education spending.  (I would abolish it, but I don’t want the kids to be that much smarter than us.)

I would find out what our children need to suceed in life and teach that and only that.  I would get rid of many of the rules that handcuff teachers.  When we let out teachers teach, then maybe our students will learn.

This post is part of the “Me vs. Them” series.  Come back often to see the entire series.

May 27, 2011 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, editorial, education, humor, Obama, Republicans, satire | , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Orgies for Abstinence III

It’s that time of year again.  The Ahmnodt Heare for President campaign is pleased to announce “Orgies for Abstinence III” at a location hopefully near you.  (And hopefully near me).

For those new to the campaign, this is an event that promotes abstinence.  I took a page from the government playbook.  For years, the government has been promoting war as a way to bring about peace.  With the success the government feels it has has with ‘War for Peace” and the success of “Orgies for Abstinence”, I can see other events popping up soon.  I can see events like “Buffets against Obesity”, “Dropouts for Advanced Education” and “Interior Decorators Against Gay Marriage.”

Once again, there is a signup on Facebook.  You are strongly encouraged to invite all of your friends and half of your enemies to attend this very special event.  Together, we can promote abstinence in a way that can only be experienced by attending an orgy.

September 29, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, editorial, humor, satire | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

First Campaign Snafu of 2009

I did not plan on doing any campaigning this weekend.  It’s a holiday weekend and it’s a slow week in Washington.  I was getting set to watch the Sugar Bowl between Utah and Alabama when the phone rang.  A woman called and she was hysterical because the clown she hired for her son’s birthday called at the last minute and said he couldn’t make it to the party.  I think she had the wrong number, but I couldn’t disappoint her or the kids who wanted to be entertained.

I arrived at the party after a 45-minute drive.  The children were getting restless.  I gathered the children around and told them about my education platform.  I even took the time to teach them how to safely roll marijuana while driving.  The birthday boy’s mother soon told me to leave.  She claimed the information I was presenting was not appropriate for children.

This is what is wrong with America.  Parents say they want their children to learn, but when they are taught knowledge they can actually use, parents get bent out of shape.  Don’t get me wrong, I am glad I had the chance to dissect a frog in Home Economics class.  But that knowledge hasn’t applied in my every day life.

We are going to have to let the children learn the stuff we don’t want them to learn.  Otherwise, they will end up as stupid as we are.

January 3, 2009 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, education, issues, Platform, satire | , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on First Campaign Snafu of 2009

Education Plan

My plan is to abandon our current plan of education and replace it with tools children can really use.  While it is nice that I know what an obtuse angle, that information will not get me a job, feed me, or get me hotties.  The tools I would use are:

  • Teach children how to beat a drug test
  • How to talk their way out of a traffic ticket
  • How to live on credit cards

Once children learn what they need to learn to advance in life, we will again be the envy of the world.

October 15, 2008 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, change, debate, education | , , | 3 Comments

Experience is Bad

My critics are saying that my lack of experience in politics would make me a bad choice for president.  I would like to address the experience issue at this time.

We have historically voted for people with experience.  This experience we have voted for has led us with a $9.3 trillion debt, an education system that gets worse with more money being spent on it, and fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan when the terrorists who attacked us came from Egypt and Saudi Arabia.

I may not have much experience in politics, but I know that if you spend more than you make, you’ll end up in debt.  I know that if you don’t watch where you spend your money, vultures will come see you.  And if you’re going to attack those who attacked us, you find a map and find out where they live. 

I talk about attacking Canada, not because of the Dutch, but because of the Canadians who have attacked our country with their God-awful form of entertainment. 

It is time to quit voting for people with experience and start voting for people with common sense.  I would appreciate your vote. 

April 3, 2008 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, change, election, issues, satire | , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Experience is Bad

My Platform

Below is my platform. It is the result of nine months of extensive studying of the issues. Feel free to leave comments about my platform in the comments section. If you’re a candidate who wants to debate the issues or a hottie who wants to cuddle, I can be reached at ahmnodtheare@politician.com
  • Life begins at 40. This is the basis of my abortion platform. I would have quit smoking, but quitters never win.
  • War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shattner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.
  • I do not have a position on capital punishment. Oh well.
  • I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.
  • The current tax code is too difficult. My tax code would involve all Americans sending in 100% of their income and having a mega party at Pacific Beach for all Americans.
  • My “Just say, ‘OK, but Just This Once’.” drug policy satisfies the curiosity people often have with drugs, yet offers an out before they get addicted.
  • Whoever crosses the finish line first wins. Everybody else loses.This is my view on race relations.
  • ”War on Poverty” can be solved by making poverty a crime. I would throw all the poor people in jail.
  • I would immediately cease all wiretapping operations. Video surveillance cameras would only be permitted on the hottest women.
  • Women have the fundamental right to use the utensils of their choice when cooking my dinner. Nobody shall infringe on a woman’s right to use the vacuum cleaner of her choice when cleaning my house.
  • I would observe Vanna White’s birthday as a national holiday, and not just because I am a VannaWhite supremacist.
  • I would repeal all laws that protect stupid people. Lord knows they’re not an endangered species.
  • Seniors should be allowed to eat healthier than Social Security allows. My plan for them would allow them to buy premium dog food at generic dog food prices.
  • I am for the separation of Church and State. If clergy were to become state employees, that would be yet another union that AFSCME would represent and soak taxpayers by demanding higher wages. They would all want Sundays off, which would close many houses of worship.
  • My position on global warming after spending time studying it is that it is warmer in the summer than in the winter. Global Warming and any possible nuclear holocaust can be eliminated in one easy step. Aim all our nukes at the sun and fire away!
  • I would abolish gun laws. I would also ban bullets.
  • Fundamentals in education is sorely lacking. I would prepare children for the adult world by teaching them how to talk their way out of speeding tickets and how to pass an employment drug screening.
If you have any questions feel free to e-mail me. ahmnodtheare@politician.com

February 15, 2008 Posted by | Platform | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

   

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