An Open Letter to NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman

Dear Commissioner Bettman:

My name is Ahmnodt Heare and I am a lifelong NHL fan. (GO CAPS! GO!)  I like hockey so much that I would even sit through a Blue Jackets-Islanders game if it was on television.  I have watched every Stanley Cup Finals since 1983 (Except for the first season they were on OLN – My cable company didn’t carry it then).

It seems that every time hockey is about to get popular in the United States, you and the owners lock the players out and there is no hockey.  I don’t know where you live, but I live in the northeastern United States.  Winters here are cold and brutal.  We need hockey to keep us sane during the winter months.  We don’t need it quite as much in the fall and spring, but I watch it then because I like hockey.

I thought you were the worst sports commissioner at first, but the NHL has done some things to improve the game like the Outdoor Classic.  And you have been wise enough not to have these outdoor classics in places like Phoenix and Miami or other places that are warm in the winter.  On the other hand, you have instituted a shootout to determine outcome of games.  This is a bad idea.  Major League Baseball doesn’t determine the end of games with a home run hitting contest.  The NFL doesn’t end games with a punt, pass, and kick competition.  Why determine games with a shootout?  What’s wrong with a tie during the regular season?  I would extend the overtime period to ten minutes and end it as a tie if neither team scores.

This might be a shock to you, but it’s OK to be popular.  You don’t have to shut down the league just because people in the United States are starting to like hockey.

I look forward to watching VERY VERY SOON!

Sincerely,

Ahmnodt F.N. Heare

Lifelong Capitals fan and candidate for President of the United States.

P.S. If you please get me a pair of complementary tickets for the Capitals at New Jersey Devils games at the Prudential Center, it would be greatly appreciated.

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It Sounded So Good

Canada Government Dissolved

I saw that headline and did a snoopy dance.  The thought of Canada no longer sending spies like William Shatner, Celine Dion, and Justin Bieber to taint the Great American Entertainment Industry was almost orgasmic.  I went to surf the web to make sure what I heard was correct.  It was… but it wasn’t.

It turns out that the Parliament was dissolved.  And “dissolved” in Canadian has a different meaning than in English.  All it means is that Parliament gets to go home and that there will be elections in May.  It is conceivable that after all is said and done that Stephen Harper will still be Prime Minister.

It is also possible that Canada will elect a new majority to Parliament and they will pick a Prime Minister who appreciates American entertainment and won’t send the next Anne Murray south of their border.  It is important that Canadians choose MPs that will not send spies to the Unites to cause even more damage.

I have heard rumors that one reason why Justin Bieber was sent here was because Gary Bettman is an American spy sent to destroy the NHL and hockey in general.  I believe this not the case.  While American-based teams have won every Stanley Cup since 1994, I doubt that Bettman is a spy.  He hasn’t done anything to help my Washington Capitals win a Cup.  The NHL’s woes are more likely because Bettman is incompetent than him being a spy.

Here’s to hoping Canada has a successful election and that Canada and the United States can have a healthy relationship without spying on each other.