Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

We Won a Battle!

“My position on global warming after spending time studying it is that it is warmer in the summer than in the winter. Global Warming and any possible nuclear holocaust can be eliminated in one easy step. Aim all our nukes at the sun and fire away!”

The battle against global warming is done and we won!  Tuesday was my running day.  A warm breeze from the south rose the temperature to 78°F (26°C) as I began my mile run.  I was dripping in sweat when I finished my run two hours later.  This is November!  People aren’t supposed to sweat in November.

Two days later (That’s today), It’s currently 45°F (Who really cares what the temperature for that is in Celsius?  It’s chilly, and that’s all you need to know.)  My Thursday swim was a lot colder than I had planned.  I’ll have to wear a jacket next Thursday so I’ll keep warm.

It’s supposed to be a rain/snow mix tonight and cold for the foreseeable future.  No more sweating doing strenuous activities like running and yawning.  Tonight will be a night of roasting marshmallows, getting a bonfire going, and opening the windows so that the smoke from the bonfire can escape.

The best part was that we didn’t have to use nuclear warheads to stop global warming.  We can save the nukes for other battles like the “War on Obesity.”

November 13, 2014 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, environment, humor, satire | , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on We Won a Battle!

Ahmnodt the Speed Demon

I now have a blemish to my record.  I was given a speeding ticket today.  I was driving 27 miles per hour in a 15 mile-per-hour zone.  There goes my lifelong dream of becoming a school bus driver.

I also received a ticket for running a stop sign.  That ticket should be easy to beat since there was no stop sign at the place I allegedly didn’t stop.  (Thanks to Howie for removing that sign for me.)

It’s a warm day here and will continue to be seasonably warm for quite some time with copious amounts of rain tomorrow and Sunday.  I am suspending the encouragement of global warming now that I can feel my hands again.

Should I have told the police officer that I wasn’t speeding, but “qualifying”?  I figured since there are bumping stickers that say, “I’m not tailgating, I’m drafting”, then I could have my own NASCAR reference to a driving infraction.

With three or four inches of rain expected this weekend, I doubt the town will be sending out the drought notices until at least Wednesday.  At least it isn’t snow.  My shoulder still hurts from the inch I had to shovel on Tuesday.

 

 

 

 

March 28, 2014 Posted by | Ahmnodt, humor, satire, scandal | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Global Warming

Four inches of snow fell in southern Delaware on March 25.

Four inches of global warming snow fell in southern Delaware on March 25.

It’s time that we quit crying out “Global Warming” and “Climate Change.”  As I have stated in the past, climate change is a natural occurrence.  It gets cold in the winter before getting warm in the spring (usually) and hot in the winter before cooling off in the fall.

There are people who point out to data which suggests that the earth is getting warmer.  What they don’t tell you is that the person who initially collect the data has admitted that the data is flawed.  Nobody ever mentions that we got out of the Ice Age long before the American revolution.

For the next few weeks, I will be encouraging global warming.  I will be encouraging it until it starts getting hot.  The fight against global warming will resume after Memorial Day.

I have been campaigning and will continue to campaign though postings have been sparse in recent months.  I will be campaigning in New York City on April 5.  I will be picketing Canada’s latest invasion, the Tim Horton’s in Times Square.  Picketing will begin as soon as I get a day’s supply of Timbits.

 

March 27, 2014 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, Canada, commentary, environment, foreign policy, humor, satire | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Global Warming, Where Are You?

The more I study the environment. the more I learn how the global warming and climate change theories came to be.  Before I explain my theory, I will throw some facts at you so that you will better understand my conclusions.

The planet is billions of years old.  (or 6,000 – depending on whether you believe in evolution or creationism).  The scientific recording of weather has only been occurring for a couple hundred years.  If you divide the time the Earth has existed by one million equal segments, the time spent recording weather is only one one-hundredth of one segment.  This would be like getting a sample of what Americans are thinking by taking surveys of three people.  This is hardly scientific and has a margin of error of approximately 100 percent.

My theory is that the global warming theory started on a hot July day.  People noticed that it was hotter in July than it was in June, and it was hotter in June than it was in May.  These people told their theories to the common folk, and they came to the same conclusion.

My theory of climate change is that it was first discovered in October.  The same people who discovered global warming in July noticed that October was cooler than September, September was cooler than August, and August was cooler than July.

We know the weather of the last two hundred years from keeping records.  We know that it generally doesn’t snow in July and that it’s hard to get a sunburn in January.  (At least in the northern hemisphere.)  We also know that there was an Ice Age when it snowed year round.  We were able to get out of the Ice Age before the Industrial Revolution.  This would conclude that mankind is not the only culprit in changing climates.

Today was the third straight morning that the morning temperature was in the 20s in northern New Jersey.  The average low this time of year is the low-to-mid 40s and the high temperatures are near 60.  There are usually days when the temperature will rise above 60 a few times in March ,(and when I’m a very good boy, once or twice in February.)   It has yet to reach 60 degrees in 2013.  Baseball has been played in the northeast in a tundra.  It is COLD!

Any signs of global warming are non-existent here.  Climate change happens all the time.  I’m willing to bet a million dollars (Zimbabwe) that it will be warmer in May than it is now.

April 4, 2013 Posted by | commentary, editorial, environment, humor, satire | , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Global Warming, Where Are You?

Meaner than Mitt Romney

I was honored to be invited to a Q&A session at a community center in New Haven, CT.  For some reason when I received the invitation, I had confused “Q&A” with “T&A”.  This explained why I was so enthusiastic in replying to the invitation.  That was the first sign that this event was going to turn into a disaster.

The first question asked to me was who I thought won the debate between President Obama and Mitt Romney.  I responded with “I won.”  then explained that I wasn’t really paying attention to what they were saying as much as I was replying to the questions Jim Lehrer was asking.

I was asked my position on energy.  Some of the people appreciated that my ideas covered a wide spectrum of ideas while critics thought it was all over the place with no clear direction.  I agree with the former.

Someone thought if I would close PBS.  I told the questioner that I would not close PBS but I would no longer fund it.  I don’t understand why PBS needs government funding if they have so many fund drives on their networks or why they have so many fund drives if they need government funding.  Then there are the millions given to PBS by various foundations.   The questioner replied that I was meaner than Mitt Romney.  I was ridiculed by someone who claimed to be a science teacher for my position on global warming.  She claimed that my position was both simplistic and reckless.

I have another Q&A to attend tomorrow afternoon in Danbury, CT.  I’m a little disappointed that it was scheduled at the same time the Redskins were playing, but it’s one of the things I am going to have to do if I want to be President of the United States.

October 6, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, debate, environment, humor, issues, politics, Romney, satire | , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Meaner than Mitt Romney

Bad Day to Travel

Today starts the three-week stretch that I have my daughter.  I thought it was hot in New Jersey when I left this morning.  It was supposed to in the mid-90’s there.  That was tundra compared to the temperature in Washington DC this afternoon.  The air was so hot, it felt like smoking an ultra-light cigarette just breathing.  When I went to get the mail for my parents, I burned my fingertips opening up the mailbox.

My normal protocol is to spend the weekend at my parents and head home either Sunday night or Monday morning.  Not this time.  I headed out as soon as Patricia was dropped off at my parents’.  I left my car at my parents because of fears of overheating.  Patricia and I took a cab to the airport.  The cab had no air conditioning.  By the smell of the cab, the driver must have been driving all day.

I rented a car when I got to the airport.  (I rented the car at the airport because their cars are under canopies which at least offered shade.  All of those “It’s so hot (How hot is it?)” jokes were understatements.  My eyeballs were sweating!  It was hotter outside than it was in the sauna I relaxed in yesterday after my five laps in the hot tub.  It gets hot in DC, but this was brutal.  I don’t recall it ever getting this hot in DC before.  It got this hot when I lived in North Carolina, but it was in the country.  There wasn’t the bombardment of heat reflections from buildings and sidewalks.  There wasn’t the feeling that I was walking into a walking convection oven.  Patricia and I are in New Jersey in my condo.  It’s 83 degrees here, but I am shivering compared to what I went to today.

Today made me look at my platform on global warming.  There isn’t too much I can do about it right now since I do not have access to nuclear weapons to aim at the sun.  And I don’t have a snowball’s chance in DC of getting any.  The only thing I can do is not be so gung-ho on encouraging global warming in the winter when it is cold.  I can use some snow right about now.

June 29, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, environment, humor, satire | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Potpourri

I am having a hard time spending time writing on any one subject largely due to my mother still being here.  If Mitt Romney is the “Etch-a-Sketch” candidate then I am the “Lite-Brite” candidate.  I always say the same thing, but how pretty the message us depends on the colors of the bulbs.

Global Warming – I don’t normally start fighting it until Memorial Day weekend.  I might have to start fighting it soon though.  Today’s high was 77°F (The normal high in northwestern New Jersey on March 22 is 49F°.)

Tim Tebow – For the first time since Joe Namath was a Jet, there are Jets fans west of the Delaware River.  The Jets might not make the Super Bowl even with Tebow, but people are suddenly buying Jets jerseys.  The Broncos bandwagon is now being painted green and white.

Meetings – This week’s campaign meetings were held telepathically.  I have found a Ouija board to be helpful in getting the messages that I miss.

Zombies – I am not sure they are going to be the demographic that I was hoping they would be.  It seems that the Republicans have been campaigning for their votes with the zombie vote being split between Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.  Mitt Romney is still getting the vampire vote.

NCAA Tournament – My bracket has more red ink than a federal budget.  No further comment is necessary.

I am trying to talk to my father into coming up tomorrow for the weekend.  I don’t want my mother to know that he might be coming up.  (Mom, if you’re reading this, read something else and resume at the next paragraph.)  If this works, I can get back to normal on Monday.  I have to call my father and ask him to pick up my daughter even though my daughter is afraid of him.

Mom, this is where you can resume reading.  You had no business reading the last two sentences of the previous paragraph.  I’ll be done in the morning on business.  If I finish soon enough, I will be going to Washington to pick up Patricia.

I will be doing some campaigning this weekend.  Where I campaign depends on whether my daughter is here or not.  Her ninth birthday was last weekend and I wasn’t allowed to see her so I get her this weekend.  I bought her a cell phone for her birthday so she can work the phone bank for the campaign.  She has an irresistible voice and might be able to get more people to vote for me than the zombies.

I’ll be there in a minute, Mom! …

March 22, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, environment, humor, Personal Life, Republicans, satire, Washington | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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