A Look at my Platform – Gun Control

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on gun control.

I would abolish gun laws. I would also ban bullets.

I would do away with any law that prohibits an American from owning a gun.  The Second Amendment provides the right for everybody to own a gun.  However; in order to make the world a safer place, I would ban bullets, because it is bullets that kill people, not guns.

When a person is shot, there is usually no sign of a gun, but the bullet is almost always there.  The only way a gun can kill a person is if someone is clubbed in the head with a gun.  All shooting murders involve a bullet penetrating a part of the body.

I would legalize all guns, including such guns as uzis and AK-47s.  Bullets, including the peas from pea shooters, will be banned with the penalty for possession being death by firing squad.

Advertisement

How to Help Democrats and Republicans

Just because I don’t belong to either the Democratic or the Republican parties, does not mean I am unwilling to help them.  Both parties have the bad habit of shooting themselves in the foot.  I am willing to help both parties by buying them bullets so that they may continue to shoot themselves in the foot.

Campaign Stops – A Brief Synopsis

Campaign Stops Next Weekend « Ahmnodt Heare for President

It’s currently 7:12 AM here in Seattle. I leave Seattle at 9AM Pacific and arrive in San Juan, PR at approximately 9PM Atlantic Time. The fine people at The Medusa were able to postpone my speech there until 11:00PM. When I first made the scheduling, I thought that Puerto Rico was in the Eastern Time one, but it is not.

I found a few things interesting through my campaigning this week. At Bert and Ernie’s Dining Saloon in Helena, MT Wednesday night, the patrons were overwhelming supportive on my position that people should have the right to own guns. They all became angry when I mentioned that I would ban bullets. I was thrown out of the saloon for inciting a riot.

I was at Lake Elmo State Park in Billings earlier in the day. I was warmly greeted by both my supporters. I found out that many people wanted to attend, but could not get out of school or work. We happened to meet an elderly lady nearby. I told her that I would help seniors by making premium dog food availably for the elderly at generic dog food prices so they wouldn’t starve. She gave me a puzzled look for some reason. I guess nobody ever tried to help the elderly before at such a personal level.

Last night I was at the City Centre in Seattle. I told shoppers there that I already have a plan to make movies more affordable and that I was working on a similar plan to make merchandise more affordable. I also told them that the only person who knows what you’re going through with prices is someone who is going through the same ordeal. I think people latched on to that and became very supportive of me.

Tonight, I will be at The Medusa in San Juan. It is the largest gay night club in Puerto Rico. I will be giving my Family Values speech at 11:00PM Eastern.

Faith in Bitter Times

I believe in bitter times. I also believe that people don’t like bitter times. The way to make times better is to not do the things that make times bitter. Bitter times is caused by not preparing for the bad things that can happen to people when times are not good.

My Platform

Below is my platform. It is the result of nine months of extensive studying of the issues. Feel free to leave comments about my platform in the comments section. If you’re a candidate who wants to debate the issues or a hottie who wants to cuddle, I can be reached at ahmnodtheare@politician.com

• Life begins at 40. This is the basis of my abortion platform. I would have quit smoking, but quitters never win.
• War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shattner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.
• I do not have a position on capital punishment. Oh well.
• I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.
• The current tax code is too difficult. My tax code would involve all Americans sending in 100% of their income and having a mega party at Pacific Beach for all Americans.
• My “Just say, ‘OK, but Just This Once’.” drug policy satisfies the curiosity people often have with drugs, yet offers an out before they get addicted.
• Whoever crosses the finish line first wins. Everybody else loses.This is my view on race relations.
• ”War on Poverty” can be solved by making poverty a crime. I would throw all the poor people in jail.
• I would immediately cease all wiretapping operations. Video surveillance cameras would only be permitted on the hottest women.
• Women have the fundamental right to use the utensils of their choice when cooking my dinner. Nobody shall infringe on a woman’s right to use the vacuum cleaner of her choice when cleaning my house.
• I would observe Vanna White’s birthday as a national holiday, and not just because I am a VannaWhite supremacist.
• I would repeal all laws that protect stupid people. Lord knows they’re not an endangered species.
• Seniors should be allowed to eat healthier than Social Security allows. My plan for them would allow them to buy premium dog food at generic dog food prices.
• I am for the separation of Church and State. If clergy were to become state employees, that would be yet another union that AFSCME would represent and soak taxpayers by demanding higher wages. They would all want Sundays off, which would close many houses of worship.
• My position on global warming after spending time studying it is that it is warmer in the summer than in the winter. Global Warming and any possible nuclear holocaust can be eliminated in one easy step. Aim all our nukes at the sun and fire away!
• I would abolish gun laws. I would also ban bullets.
• Fundamentals in education is sorely lacking. I would prepare children for the adult world by teaching them how to talk their way out of speeding tickets and how to pass an employment drug screening.

If you have any questions feel free to e-mail me. ahmnodtheare@politician.com