Public Sector vs. Private Sector

Some jobs should be public sector jobs.  Porn and brothels should be private sector even though they’re supported by public sector employees who were elected to their jobs.

A Look at my Platform – Women’s Rights

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on women’s rights.

Women have the fundamental right to use the utensils of their choice when cooking my dinner. Nobody shall infringe on a woman’s right to use the vacuum cleaner of her choice when cleaning my house.

If there is anything I cannot stand is a male chauvinist pig.  Men have no business telling women what cooking utensils to use when cooking dinner, which vacuum cleaner to use when vacuuming the carpets, which laundry detergent to use when washing a man’s clothes, or the floor cleaner she used when scrubbing his floors.  This is just wrong.  Women know how to clean and do not need interference from men when they are cleaning a man’s home.

Women are almost as important as men are and it is about time women are treated that way.

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A Look at my Platform – Poverty

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and 
further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on poverty.



"War on Poverty" can be solved by giving poor people $30/month and
sending them to Africa once a month for food shopping.  A family of
four in Africa can eat for $.70/day.  They would still have $8.30
for beer.

I am seriously considering doing my food shopping in Africa.  It can cost over $100/week for food shopping for a family of one.  This is $400/month.  It would be cheaper to fly poor people to Africa once a month to do their food shopping.  It would be even cheaper to fly one person to Africa to buy up all the food there and fly it back home and sell it at cost.  The $8.30 left over wouldn’t necessarily have to go towards beer.  It could go towards a pack of cigarettes (except in New York City, where cigarettes are almost $10.00 per pack.)

While many supermarkets would go out of business under my plan, my plan would allow Americans to eat and have more money left over for entertainment.  It’s not like the CineMafia is going away.

A Look at my Platform – Race Relations

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on race relations.

Whoever crosses the finish line first wins. Everybody else loses.This is my view on race relations.

Quitters never win.  I mentioned this on my position on smoking. People seem to be hung up on race, so I practice wind sprints every day.  This approach is fine for short races.  The race for the Presidency is a marathon and has required me to use different training strategies.

To prove my point, people don’t talk about John McCain or me too often any more.  We both lost in 2008 and are considered irrelevant in the eyes of the media and most Americans.  All of the attention is on Barack Obama.  Sure, the media asks John McCain where he thinks President Obama went wrong (and they would ask me if they knew who I am), but only as a painful reminder that Barack Obama is our president.

It is still 3 1/2 years until the Presidential Election.  There will be a lot of positioning for the race for the President.  I am currently in good position by starting my campaign now and getting my name out to the public now.  It is a long race and I race best when I am in front.  I will be ready for President Obama and whoever the Republicans spew at us.  I welcome the challenge.

A Look at my Platform – Drugs

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on drugs.

My “Just say, ‘OK, but Just This Once’.” drug policy satisfies the curiosity people often have with drugs, yet offers an out before they get addicted.

The biggest problem with the “War on Drugs” and the “Just say No” campaign is human nature.  Teenagers want to show that they can make decisions without help.  But when parents tell their children not to do drugs, then the teens will rebel and do drugs.  Teens do not want to be talked to like children.

Teenagers are also curious.  They like to try things out and make their own evaluation.  We can teach abstinence until the cows come home, but the babies will cry nine months from now.

Everybody should try everything once. (Except for scrapple, that stuff is nasty.)  They should have to buy the drugs though.  They should realize the following:

• Drugs can get you high.
• The high never lasts long.
• The crash lasts longer.
• Getting high isn’t cheap.
• Ahmnodt Heare is a cool guy.

If your child still wants to get high after the first time, shake him or her violently and remind of the dangers of addiction.  If that doesn’t work, then take your child hunting and shoot him or her before your child becomes a hopeless loser who preys upon his or her family and friends.

A look at my Platform – Gay Marriage

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on gay marriage.

I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.

It is important to note that the quote above is a hypothesis.  I have no way of telling how much sex married people have since I quit peeping on my neighbors in 2003.  But what I noticed from my studies is that the frequency and the quality of sex my neighbors had diminished significantly within 3 months after being married.

Gay people are not that much different than straight people.  The difference is that with gay people, boys like boys and girls like girls.  But I am pretty sure that if gays were to marry, that the same thing would happen to them with sex.  It’s like Chocolate Pop-Tarts.  The first time you had one, the only thing you can think about is having another Chocolate Pop-Tart.  But after having Chocolate Pop-Tarts day in and day out, you want something different.

Gays should be allowed to marry.  They should be relieved to know that I have no interest in watching.

A Look at my Platform – War

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on war.

War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shattner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.

To the best of most people’s knowledge, Iraq had nothing to do with September 11.  They also had nothing to do with the Oklahoma City bombing, the Centennial Park bombing, or the production of “Hello Larry.”  While it can’t be proven Canada was involved in any of the forementioned actions, Canada has attacked the United States in unconventional methods.  They have tainted American entertainment.

How has Canada wrecked our entertainment?  They wrecked it by allowing their spies to infiltrate the United States and poise as “entertainers.”  William Shattner, Celiene Dion, and Anne Murray are just a few spies posing as “entertainers.”   Not all Canadian entertainers are spies, though.  Chris Farley could act.  Shania Twain can sing.  Brian Mulrooney is one hell of a comedian.

We have already tried sanctions.  We have been boycotting hockey since the 2005-2006 season.  We have flooded the Caniadian airwaves with Britney Spears and the Jonas Brothers.  None of these actions have worked.  War is the only option left.

I am not a typical “rah-rah” war guy.  I have set some rules for a war with Canada to make sure nobody gets hurt.

• Wars shall only be fought between 9:00AM and 5:00PM Mondays through Fridays.  This will allow our troops to come home for dinner every night and weekends.  It is important to keep morale high.  There will be no fighting on holidays (American or Canadian)
• No bombing of hockey rinks, Tim Horton’s, or curling ponds.  We don’t hate Canadians, just the Canadian government, and specifically, those agencies responsible.
• To show that the Canadians are willing to play fair, they have promised no arctic cold fronts during the summer.

It will take a lot of work to get American entertainment back to a level of excellence.  But we will prevail and we will be entertained again.