Canada’s Latest Weapon

Contrary to what Canadians will tell you, Prime Minister Stephen Harper is a very clever man.  Not only has he been able to have his spies infiltrate the Great American Entertainment Industry, he has also been able to infiltrate the Untied States Senate representing a state that hates immigrants.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz was born in Calgary, Alberta.  Calgary may seem American, but it’s actually in Canada.  Just because the Calgary Flames play hockey against American-based team doesn’t make Calgary an American city any more than the Washington Capitals playing games against Canadian-based teams makes Washington, D.C. a Canadian city.

If that isn’t enough to scare you, Cruz’s father fought for Fidel Castro in the Cuban Revolution. Castro won the revolution, which lead to strained relations between the United States and Cuba as well as an embargo against Cuba.

I do not know why Republicans, who complained about President Obama possibly being born in Kenya knowingly support a candidate knowingly born outside the United States.  I wonder how Republicans (and Democrats) can be so cozy with a country like Canada.  If Republicans really loved the United States like the good patriots they claim to be, there is no way that they would consider voting for Ted Cruz in a primary.

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My Immigration Platform

Like many other candidates, I want to deport people who don’t belong in the United States.  The biggest difference between my proposal and proposals by other candidates is who should be deported.  Most candidates use place of origin as the basis of deportation (assuming they are here without permission.)  I don’t care what country a person is born.  Everybody should be welcomed in the United States and have a chance to prosper.

The people I would like to weed out has nothing to do with nationality.  I would use common sense as my criteria.   People with no common sense have no business living in the United States.  This includes the following people:

• People who text and drive.  (Using a cell phone for phone calls is not the best play in the playbook either, but at least it’s possible to look at the road while talking.
• People who cross a road without looking.  (Or worse – people who push baby carriages and strollers onto roads without looking.)  I don’t think there should be more laws imposed on people who use their brains to protect those who don’t)
• Drivers who cut you off as if in a hurry only to drive slower than a snail once they’re in front of you.
• People who go into express lanes in supermarkets (20 items or fewer) with 40 or more items.
• The person (or people) who came up with the TSA’s current pat-down procedure.  Someone explain to me how 19 hijackers got parlayed into legalized groping.  (Especially since those 19 hijackers are all dead.)

The hard part is going to be where to deport those born in the United States who fit into the above categories.  Greenland has a large area of land with no inhabitants.  I’ll negotiate with Greenland for a plan that works for both countries.

Illegal Immigrants #gopdebate

Illegal immigration can be handled in a few ways.  The way it’s being done now is by crashing the American economy so nobody will want to come here.  My way is different.  I would get rid of quotas because we will need more workers when my jobs program is implemented.

Ahmnodt Heare at the Debate*

* – I wasn’t there, but this is how I would have answered the debate questions.

OPENING STATEMENT: I was not invited to this debate tonight. I was given many excuses: “I haven’t raised enough money”, “I’m not on the ballot”, and “I’m not a Democrat” were just a few of the excuses they tried to give me. But tonight, I have decided that people need to hear what I have to say and why I am the best choice for president.I am running for president not because I want to be president, but because America needs me to be President. America has many problems. Our Health Care, our education system, and the Motion Picture Association of America are in grave danger. We throw money at these problems and they get worse. Over the course of the night, I will have an opportunity to answer these and other problems.

The question for you: Would you be willing to sit down with Raul Castro, or whoever leads the Cuban dictatorship when you take office at least just once, to get a measure of the man? I will sit down with anybody willing to play checkers. I tried playing checkers standing up, but it’s hard to play checkers for an extended period of time when you’re standing and stooped over the checker board.I would like to meet the leaders of Cuba, Iran, and North Korea. If the other leaders do not wish to play checkers, then perhaps we could get a Bridge game going.

The Economy: My plan for the economy is simple: Find ways to make things affordable. I produced a movie that tackles the cinemafia and the price of going to movies. The secret to managing an organization is to find ways to cut spending without cutting quality. A woman would not want to save 50% on breast enhancement if she was going to enhance 50% of her breasts. Quality must be maintained.Money must be brought in. It doesn’t matter how much you cut a budget if you have less money than your budget calls for. That is why I propose tax increases of 100% or more for every American. With a larger revenue flow and a smaller budget, we can someday build a bridge to everywhere.

Federal raids by immigration enforcement officials on homes and businesses have generated a great deal of fear and anxiety in the Hispanic community and have divided the family of some of the 3 million U.S.-born children who have at least one undocumented parent. Would you consider stopping these raids once you take office until comprehensive immigration reform can be passed? I would enhance the raids and deport the whole family. I believe that families should stay together. The current plan separates legal children from their illegal parents, leaving children alone without food, clothing, or iPods. Send them all back to their native lands and reunite them with people who speak their native tongue.

Many of them are right here. By the year 2050, there will be 120 million Hispanics in the United States. Now, is there any downside to the United States becoming (SPEAKING SPANISH) becoming a bilingual nation? Is there a limit? Look at Canada! Quebec wants to secede and become a French speaking nation and monopolize the French Fry market in North America. We should all learn English until the Hispanic population becomes the majority, then we should all learn Spanish.

Since we’re in Texas, I’d like to borrow a phrase that they often use here and you’ve used yourself in the context of President Bush. Are you saying that your opponents are all hat and no cattle, and can you say that after the last 45 minutes? I have never heard that saying before. But I would say that Senator Obama is all fluff and no pillow. Senator Clinton, on the other hand, is all smoke and no mirrors. I am fluff and pillow. I am smoke and mirrors.

I think one of the points — I think one of the points that John King was alluding to in talking about some of Senator Clinton’s comments is there has been a lot of attention lately on some of your speeches, that they are very similar to some of the speeches by your friend and supporter Deval Patrick, the governor of Massachusetts, and Senator Clinton’s campaign has made a big issue of this. To be blunt, they’ve accused you of plagiarism. Plagiarism is a serious charge. Can you ask me questions like this all night? Yes you can. But I did not come here to bake cookies.

Senator Clinton said, and I’m quoting, “One of us is ready to be commander in chief.” And that somebody is me. I am the only candidate who sees the real enemy of the United States, It’s not Iraq, Afghanistan, or Iran. It’s not North Korea or Cuba. It is our “neighbor” to the north, Canada. For years, Canada has infiltrated its agents into our country. They claim that their agents William Shattner, Celine Dion, and Anne Murray are “entertainers”, but they have lowered our standards of entertainment in the same manner “No Child Left Behind” has lowered our standards of education. We will take over every Tim Horton’s and turn hockey rinks into figure skating rinks.

And here’s the question. Are you suggesting that Ahmnodt Heare is not ready; he doesn’t have the experience to be commander in chief? There have only been 43 Commanders-in-Chief in our country’s history. The other 300,000,000 of us don’t have that experience. It’s a learn-as-you-go kind of job. if something works, you stay with it. If it doesn’t, then you try something else. I suggested invading Canada because soldiers from northern states can go home in time for dinner every day.

Is Iraq today better off than it was six months or a year ago because of the surge? I don’t know. I have never been there.

You have been harshly critical of the Bush administration for its secrecy, what you consider overuse of secrecy and executive power. I have been disappointed in the secrecy of not only President Bush, but of the entire Bush family. If they don’t give out the recipe for Bush’s Beans soon, I’m going to kidnap that dog and get the recipe from him. I wouldn’t use waterboarding. I would, however, resort to shuffleboarding if I had to.

As we can see, this has been an extremely close nomination battle that will come down to superdelegates. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the highest ranking Democrat in government, said recently, and I’m quoting, “It would be a problem and it would be a problem for the party if the verdict would be something different than the public has decided.” This is why I am an independent. I have met some of the “superdelegates” and they don’t seem so super to me. We should get rid of delegates and superdelegates and replace them with a primary or caucus equivalent of the Electoral College. Finding out who our next president is should be easier than figuring out the NFL Playoff tie-breaker system.

We have time for just one final question, and we thought we would sort of end on a more philosophical question. You’ve spent a lot of time talking about leadership, about who’s ready and who has the right judgment to lead if elected president. A leader’s judgment is most tested at times of crisis. I’m wondering if both of you will describe what was the moment that tested you the most, that moment of crisis. My moment of crisis happened when I was a teenager. I threw a party while my parents were supposedly away. I had a joint in one hand and a beer in the other when my parents walked in. I told them flat out that the beer and the joint was for a friend. I passed the beer and the joint to some dude who walked in front of me. Although I got in trouble for throwing a party, I did not get in trouble for having beer or drugs. Phew.