The Untitled Blog Entry

Yesterday was Betty Poundcake’s funeral.  It turned out that she didn’t have many male friends so I ended up being a poll bearer.  There were only four of us carrying the casket.  Betty’s brothers were carrying in the front while Betty’s son Junior (Kyle Poundcake, Jr.) and I were in the back.  The casket was about to be hoisted into the hearse when Betty’s brother Karl collapsed.  His sudden collapse and the lack of manpower around led to the side of the casket slamming into my knee.  I was in excruciating pain, but the casket still had to go into the hearse.  It took the three of us a while, but we were able to get the casket into the hearse.

The next problem was getting the casket out of the hearse and into the hole that was dug.  My pain wasn’t any better.  As I was bending my knee, I was emitting sounds that resembled a porpoise.  My body was shaking from the pain.  Just before the casket was fully lowered, I let out a deafening yelp.

I went to the hospital after the service.  The pain was sharp and constant.  It was like listening to Celine Dion sing while she scratched a blackboard.  I wanted my mommy.

The doctor saw me and gave me an apple.  I thought it was an odd gesture.  The doctor chuckled and said “An apple a day…  I guess that it doesn’t always work.”

“What doesn’t always work?”  I asked.

“Your health care plan.  Here you are seeing a doctor anyway.”

The presumption of my health care plan is that many diseases are avoidable and that people generally do not take very good care of themselves.  Injuries are another subject.  They are usually avoidable, but unlike health issues of a poorly maintained body, injuries can be caused by another person with no way the injured can avoid it.

I reminded the doctor of the hypocritical oath.  (He corrected me, it’s actually “Hypocratic Oath.”  It turned out that there was no ligament damage, but the knee was badly bruised.  He placed an ice pack on the knee and started singing, “Ice, Ice, Baby.”

I woke up at 5:30AM this morning and wrapped an ice pack on my knee and drove home.  I just got home at 4:00 and now have my knee up.  I will soon be taking a nap followed by the premier of my video show live at 10:00PM Eastern.

Advertisement

What a Week!

It was actually only three days but it felt like a week.  The number one thing one is supposed to do after a heart attack or an injury is rest.  Somebody forgot to tell my parents.  The only thing I was able to do was shovel the snow the “Ahmnodt Way.”  That means shoveling the sidewalk and driveway and the perimeter around them.  The rule I use for the perimeter is this:  A length of the shovel plus the depth of the snow.  This is done to prevent the snowmelt from hitting the sidewalk or driveway, only to have it refreeze.

My father:  He wasn’t home from the hospital for more than one hour when he decided he had to fix the satellite receiver on top of the roof.  I told him I would do it, but he didn’t want to hear it.

My mother:  While I was arguing with my father, my mother was hobbling while lugging a basket full of dirty clothes to the laundry room.  She was also reaching for things like bowls while on her tippy-toes.

No matter how hard I tried to get them to relax, it was no use.  They don’t know how to relax.  All the pleading, begging, and bribing them to relax did not help.  To add insult to injury (pardon the pun), they did not return the bribe money.

I have given up and have headed home with my daughter for the weekend.  I’ll check on them tomorrow when I bring Patricia home.  Raising parents is tough!

Ahmnodt Heare Involved in Accident!

Presidential candidate Ahmnodt Heare is in a local hospital following injuries sustained while trying to grab a “Hello Kitty” stuffed doll from the top shelf in a local store.  Although the extent of the injuries are known, it is believed to involve the head and the back.  More information will be given when we receive it.