Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

Government Shutdown

The way President Obama is handling the “government shutdown” is but another example of why I would have been a better president than him.  Below are some reasons why:

  • Only “Non-essential” services are shut down.  The question isn’t what is essential but who decides what is essential.  I would have shut down the IRS, but not because everybody hates it.  I would shut it down to send a message to Congress that neither they nor I will get paid as long as there is a shutdown because there is no revenue being collected.
  • I’d keep the national parks open because people need to get out more.  By  the time this shutdown is over, it will be too cold to enjoy the parks.
  • The NSA is working as normal.  Nobody at the NSA really likes me (except the guy in the corner cubicle who always like to start a ruckus.)
  • I’d not only close the Bureau of Wild Horse and Burro closed during the shutdown, I’d close it permanently.  I hope the five people who own a wild horse or a burro understand that the 300,000,000 Americans who don’t own one feel that a federal agency isn’t really necessary.

If you cannot afford a prostate exam, the TSA will perform one for you at no additional charge if you plan on flying on an airplane.

UPDATE: The move has been delayed by a week.  The official activity will return on Columbus Day.  (Thanksgiving Day in Canada)

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October 1, 2013 Posted by | Ahmnodt, humor, politics, satire | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

You Should Have Voted For Me

Benghazi. IRS. Fast and Furious.  These are just a few scandals currently swirling around President Obama and his administration.  Mitt Romney is living a private life.  This makes it hard to find out what scandalous plans he has cooked up.  2008 Republican candidate John McCain was in Syria to give support to Al-Qaeda  Syrian rebels after showing support to Al-Qaeda rebels during the Libyan uprising.

Unlike the candidates from the other parties, my scandals did not kill innocent lives.  They didn’t even kill guilty lives.  My scandals were limited to being hooked on phonics, my inability to find a Constitutionally eligible running mate in 2008, and buying pot brownies.

People tend to vote for glitz over substance.  They think it’s more important that a president is tall than is able to properly use “your” and “you’re” in a sentence.  They’d rather vote for someone with a twinkle in their eye than for someone with a tinkle on the toilet seat.  They would rather vote for a buffoon who looks astute than for a genius who looks mentally challenged.

Remember this blog entry when you vote in 2016.  Before you vote for that stud or hottie, remember that their scandals can kill.  I would suggest that you vote for me.  My scandals are safer,

 

June 2, 2013 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, editorial, humor, Obama, politics, Romney | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Catching Up in Politics

I’m back before I miss too much going on and have to spend an entire weekend blogging.  President Obama is in a heap of trouble.  I will make my endorsement for New York City mayor tonight.

Between “Benghazigate”, The IRS fiasco, an the AP wiretapping mess, you’re probably regretting not voting for me for President last November.  I forgive you.  Just remember this entry in 2016 before you vote for one of the poor choices the Republicans and Democrats will be nominating.  Below is how I would have prevented Obama’s scandals from becoming scandals in an Ahmnodt Heare administration:

Benghazigate: – I wouldn’t have allowed a consulate office to be opened in Benghazi.  This is because like so many other Americans, I never heard of Benghazi before the diplomats were killed.  I would have kept them in Tripoli as long as it was safe.  If it got too risky to stay, I would have gotten the navy to pick them up and ship them across the Mediterranean Sea to Italy.

The IRS: – The IRS has supposedly been targeting certain non-profit organizations that were against the Obama Administration.  To the best of my knowledge, TAMPON (Take All Money Political Out Now) was not targeted because they were considered to be more pro-Ahmnodt Heare and less anti-Barack Obama.  This probably includes businesses that did not make profits because of the Obama administration’s poor fiscal policies.  My policies would make businesses prosper and leave non-profits alone as they don’t make enough money to interest me.

AP Wiretapping: – I don’t know why anybody would wiretap the Associated Press.  The news has sucked for years now.  I don’t know of any stories that were negative against the White House until lately.  I wouldn’t wiretap anybody because I wouldn’t want to get caught.

I have spent some time thinking about who I should endorse for Mayor.  The problem is that I have two friends of my campaign running for mayor.  Jimmy McMillan is one candidate.  Though he hasn’t endorsed my campaign, I agree with him when he says the rent is too damned high.  Anthony Weiner and I don’t see eye-to-eye on all of the issues, but that did not stop him from endorsing me last year. 

The person I am endorsing for mayor doesn’t currently live in New York City, but he had worked in Gotham for years.  He has fought crime better than any of the other candidates.  While he doesn’t currently live in New York, he is currently a mayor of a small town in Rhode Island.  He has had to battle issues like stolen water and sewage dumping, so he is ready to serve the fine people of New York City.

 

Adam West for Mayor of New York City

Adam West for Mayor of New York City

 

May 22, 2013 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, economy, editorial, endorsement, foreign policy, humor, issues, Obama, politics, satire, scandal | , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Catching Up in Politics

While I Was Away

If you happened to be in southern Delaware or in Salisbury, MD over the weekend and wondered if that was me campaigning, the answer was yes it was.  There was a lot going on in the last month that kept me occupied.

The “Move and Un-Move”:  I had to make two trips to my new place in Delaware because the only truck I could rent that weekend was a small box truck.  I arrived at the house I was supposed to move to only to find that the house was still occupied.  The people who still live there are waiting for the people who are in the house they had bought to be evicted.

“Jury Duty” – I was stuck on jury duty for two weeks.  I was an alternate juror in an embezzlement trial and had to sit through the entire trial though I didn’t get to vote on the guilt of the defendant.  (He was found guilty.  If I was guilty, I would have been a lost guilty.)

“Witness” – The week after that trial, I returned to the court as a witness for a defendant in a civil trial.  My testimony wasn’t enough as he lost his shirt (and his house, his car, his boat, and his next of kin.)

I have spent the last couple weeks working for my neighbor’s landscaping business.  I haven’t done any landscaping since I first ran for President in 2008.  I will continue to work in landscaping until I am finally able to move.

My supporters should be relieved to know that the IRS hasn’t been targeting my supporters (yet) except for those who have joined a tea party or patriot group.  Despite recent calls from people, President Obama will not be impeached for Benghazi-Gate.  It would lead to an open season to impeach any president whose policies differ than those wishing to impeach.  Nothing will get done in Washington (aside from the Congressional pay raise and the occasional tax increase).

I am still sitting in New Jersey waiting for the word to move.  My boxes are packed and are waiting to be loaded in a truck and get hauled to Delaware.  It can’t happen soon enough.

May 15, 2013 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, Obama, politics, satire | , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on While I Was Away

Wanted: Precinct Managers

Not everybody has the Internet.  Many people with Internet only go online to check their e-mail and download things like music, games, porn, and movies.  Others are on Facebook and Myspace, but aren’t looking for a presidential candidate or don’t like to discuss politics.

Two of the most common ways people vote for somebody are if the voter meets the candidate in person or by a glowing endorsement from somebody involved in the campaign.  Many campaigns do door-to-door to people’s houses.  I may do that in the future, but the plan for now is to canvass in the following areas:

  • Bars – you can talk about just about anything with a drunk.  Just don’t agitate the person while he or she is in a drunken stupor.
  • Church (or other place of worship) fellowship – My candidacy and platform are good ice-breaker for things like pot-luck dinners, family nights, and wife-swaps (the more liberal churches may engage in this).  Discussion of the campaign is strongly discouraged during worship service or Bible studies.  It wouldn’t hurt to ask for prayer for my campaign if prayer requests are taken.
  • IRS audits – Being an IRS agent is a very difficult and unpopular job.  While my becoming President might not make them more popular, it could make their job easier.
  • Nudie bars – Strippers tend to be open minded and are receptive to alternative ways of doing things (including voting for alternative politicians).
  • Nursing homes – the elderly enjoy the company of others.  They appreciate candidates who have a plan to help save them money.

The job of Precinct Manager is simple:  To tell others about the campaign and to organize supporters to make sure everybody is on the same page.  As the campaign grows, if you feel like your precinct is getting too large, you can split the precinct and appoint someone the Manager of that new precinct.  You can make your job more exciting by betting other precincts over who can get the most supporters.  For a further discussion of what a Precinct Manager details, check out my show a week from tomorrow on Blogtalk Radio. Don’t forget to listen to tomorrow’s show as I talk to Mexican independent candidate for President of Mexico Noes Toiaqui.

 

November 8, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, blogtalk radio, campaign, commentary, humor, politics, satire | , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Tax Return Release

I never realized just how successful I was last year.  And one of the consequences of success is paying more taxes.  I only made $15,000 two years ago.  It was $72,500 last year.  While it is good that I made more money, I had become so accustomed to paying in the 10% bracket.  I had set aside $7,250 for taxes.  My tax burden was $14,313.  I am unhappy having to cough up an additional $7,063 by April 15.  While my tax rate is 100% for all Americans, there is a provision where people would get refunds every Friday.

Income: $72,500

Taxes Withheld: $7,250

Taxes: $14,313

Deductions: $1,000

Money due to IRS: $6,063

Donations made in 2009:

  • Habitat for Hotties:  $5,000
  • Americans for Self-Stimulation (ASS): $1,000
  • Other Noteworthy Charities (Save the Children, Unicef, ASPCA, etc.) – $5

March 26, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, humor, satire, taxes | , , , , | Comments Off on Tax Return Release

My Response to Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck attacked my supporters and me yesterday during his show.  I expressed gratitude in bringing much-needed exposure to my campaign.  There are a few inaccuracies that I need to address:

  • I had nothing to do with Barack Obama’s campaign – We were opponents in 2008 and will be opponents in 2012.  I am an Independent, not a Democrat.
  • I ate rice at China House (a restaurant in Woodbury, NJ).  I did not eat rice in China.  I have never been to China.
  • A “Known ‘Googler'” – He has me there.  I am a Googler.  Isn’t everybody?
  • His Blackboard is full of inaccuracies.  The only people on there who belong are Pamela, Claire, David and Batman.  The connection between Ahmnodt Heare for President LLC and the IRS is mandated by law.  I have tried to free myself from this abusive relationship, but to no avail.
  • I am an advocate of WALNUT, not ACORN.
  • I have nothing to do with Nergal, Negril, or any other ancient being.
  • The “Ahmnodt Heare is the Czar of Ruining America” sign:  That sign was from a supporter who is spelling deficient.  The sign should have read, “Ahmnodt Heare is the Czar of Running America”, and even that is technically inaccurate.

I hope this clears everything up.  If you have any questions about the video or the campaign, please feel free to ask.

March 11, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, editorial, endorsement, humor, media, Obama, satire | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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