Presidential Workout

I stepped on the scale a few months ago and was shocked and saddened.  The need to step on the scale came to be when my favorite summer khakis were no longer fit.  I had somehow gained 50 pounds over the last year.

There are only 27 months until the general election.  The need to get into campaign shape is pressing.  The days when having a body like William Howard Taft is considered presidential are over.  People want their presidential candidate to be built like President Obama (or the 2008 Ahmnodt Heare.)

I had to change my diet and start exercising.  My diet will be posted tomorrow.  Today will be spent discussing my new exercise regiment.  Below is what it details:

• Stretching – It is important to stretch your muscles before working out.  I stretch my arms and legs, fingers, toes, and tongue.  I would stretch my brain muscle but the skull is in the way.
• Calisthenics –  It is important to start off slowly.  if you start off too fast, you could injure yourself.  Or worse – you could sweat.
• Jogging – Jogging increases the heart rate, which is important in losing weight.  I jog to and from the mailbox every morning.
• Weights – I believe in target training.  In addition to the abdomen, I work on the biceps, triceps, quadriceps, deltoids, and Altoids.
• Cooldown – A proper cooldown reduces stiffness of the muscles.  I cool down by heading into the steam room and relaxing.  Afterwards, it’s off to the jacuzzi for 5-10 laps back and forth.

I am confident that my workout and diet will bring results and I will soon be campaign fit and ready to tackle the world’s problems.

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Rough Weekend

I decided this weekend that I was going to hold town-hall-style meetings.  Unlike the Democratic Senators and House members, my meeting wasn’t limited to health care.

Saturday 8/8 3:00PM – Hallion Lanes

I was  discussing my Affordabile Entertainment platform with bowlers.  I had mentioned that movies, sporting events, and concerts have become too expensive for many Americans to enjoy.  The manager of the bowling alley threw me out because he didn’t like that I was complaining about the price of entertainment.  I tried to assure him that I wasn’t including bowling as a form of entertainment that was expensive.  In fact; I was trying to convey that other forms of entertainment could learn from bowling alleys on how to keep entertainment affordable, but I was thrown out before saying it.

Saturday 8/8 8:00 PM – Oakville Seniors’ Center

I was discussing how my plan of allowing seniors to buy premium dog food at generic dog food prices when an elderly man started yelling that he wanted government having no part of determining what is premium and what is generic.  I explained to him that premium dog food is generally dog food that has commercials.  He said I had no business determining what is premium and what is generic and told me to go to Hell.

Sunday 8/9 10:00AM – Bryson Park

No speeches, but I stepped in dog poo while jogging.  I went to the side and tried to scrape the poo off of my sneaker when I was hit from behind from a jogger who was texting.  I suffered a broken nose and scrapes on both of my ankles.

Sunday 7:30 PM – Vernon Cemetery

I was campaigning to the deceased, promising them I would repeal the “Death Tax”.  A woman overheard me and asked what I was talking about.  I told her I was campaigning to the deceased because I was tired of Democrats getting all of the deceased votes.  She called me a “Loony Republican”  I told her that I was an Independent who has better ideas than either Democrats or Republicans.  She laughed in my face, pinched my bandaged nose, and walked away.  If my nose wasn’t in so much pain, i would have better appreciated how she looked in khaki pants.

I’m hoping the work week isn’t as bad as the weekend was.