Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

2012 (You Heard It Here First)

2012 will be a worse year than 2011 for many people.  It can be a great year for you if you have a little insight.  I shall try my best to provide that impact.  I know who will win the general election in 2012, but will not post it because I still want you to go vote (for me) on Election Day.

Unemployment will rise again in 2012.  Now is a good time to start planning a self-proprietorship.  I am the only candidate with a viable jobs program, but even my plan will take some time before the unemployed will reap the benefits of having a job.

Crime will increase.  This is not because we are becoming bad people, but because almost everything will be a crime.  In fact, you no longer have to be charged with a crime to be detained.  You could someday be arrested for reading this blog.  (Don’t worry, I will pardon you for reading this blog once I take office.)

Super Bowl XLVI – If you ignore my predictions throughout the year on my other blog as well as the 2011 season predictions, then you are for the most part better off.  I will stand by my prediction of a Detroit Lions – Baltimore Ravens Super Bowl.

More evidence will surface of the claims I have made against the Cinemafia and Canadian spy Justin Bieber.  The campaign teams of the candidates for president will scour through this blog for ideas to boost their campaign chances.  (And I will expose them for the copycats that they are.)

This has nothing to do with predictions, but I need a place to say this.  Gooogling “Ahmnodt” isn’t nearly as offensive as Googling “Santorum.” That, and I am less offensive than him as well.

Have a happy, safe, prosperous, (insert perky adjective here) New Year!

January 4, 2012 Posted by | commentary, editorial, election, humor, politics, satire | , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on 2012 (You Heard It Here First)

2011 – The Debacle (October-December)

“Oops!”

Not much happened in October as I was recovering from my campaign hiatus.

November:  My prediction that Justin Bieber is a Canadian spy was proven to be correct.  I went on to discuss his mission in the United States.  I explained the politics of the media and of food.  I explained the life of the citizen and how I plan to help (as I am also a citizen).

December:  One learning experience after another.  I learned not to wash the toaster in the bathtub while it is plugged in.  Another lesson was that I don’t always express myself clearly enough.  I also exposed more dirt on the Cinemafia.  Trial and error sessions with my new video show.

 

Tomorrow I will make my predictions for 2012.

January 3, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, humor, media, politics, satire | , , , , | 4 Comments

I Warned You About Bieber!

I have said for a while that Justin Bieber was a Canadian spy whose mission was to help destroy the Great American Entertainment Industry.  It turns out I was correct, but that was not his only mission.  It turns out that Justin Bieber was sent by the Canadian government to destroy all that is America.

Justin performed a “concert” last year at Staples Center.  Afterwards, an adult American woman approached him.  Nine months later, Baby Bieber was born.  She was 19 at the time of the dirty deed while Bieber was 15.

She now wants child support for her child.  But in order to claim child support from Bieber, she is admitting that she had an affair with a minor.  Here are the problems:

  • Baby Bieber was born in the United States and thus is an American citizen.
  • If Baby Bieber’s mom pursues the child support, Bieber’s parents could counter with statutory rape.
  • Bieber could request to become an American citizen to raise his American child.  This would just be a front as he is loyal to Canada.
  • He could also request that he and his parents raise the Bieber Baby in Canada.  When the Bieber Baby turns 18, he or she could move the United States and already be a citizen based on birth and raised to be a Canadian spy.
Once I become president, Bieber will immediately be deported to Canada (possibly as soon as the inauguration ceremony.  I would make an executive order that would prohibit an American-born child of a spy to become an American citizen.  (I would try to go through Congress and have them make it law first, but I am not holding my breath.)  I would pardon the mother of Bieber Baby’s mother under the provisions that she can be the sole guardian of the baby and that the baby never goes to Canada.

November 2, 2011 Posted by | Ahmnodt, Canada, commentary, entertainment, humor, satire, scandal | , , , , | 5 Comments

Back in the Saddle Again

I was hoping today’s blog entry was going to be which candidate for President I was going to endorse in the 2012 election.  But a few things happened to me since I announced I was no longer actively campaigning for President:

  • Vice-Presidential candidate Albee Thayer has filed a lawsuit against me.  He has bought $10,000 worth of custom-wrapped condoms for the campaign.  The condom wrapper reads: “Heare and Thayer – For Your Protection.”  He had been handing some out at local nudie bars and brothels.
  • My campaign manager won’t get out of my hair.  I thought by not running that my campaign manager would find something to do with his time.  But he keeps coming over because he says he is bored out of his mind.
  • My daughter has had her classmates pick on her since I made my decision.  She was so upset that she went to a movie this weekend knowing how I feel about the movie industry.  Her mother said she has also been listening to Justin Bieber songs on the internet.
  • My Domina was so angry with me that she ignored the safe word this weekend.
  • I couldn’t help but think about Dave the homeless guy in North Carolina.  I did not want to run in 2008, but Dave was insistent that I run.  He said that America needed me to be President more than I didn’t want to be President and it was a higher calling.  (Even higher than he was that day.)
After giving it much thought and discussions with those above I mentioned, I have decided to resume my campaign as soon as my back heels from the weekend’s activities.

October 17, 2011 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, editorial, humor, politics, satire | , , , , , | 4 Comments

My Softer Side

Some people have criticized me for being too harsh at times.  I could be, and I apologize if I seem harsh.  I decide that today is a good day to show my softer side.

Today is Canada Day.  It’s the day Canadians celebrate their independence by putting the Queen of England on their currency and declaring her a Canadian citizen.  I have been hard on Canadians.  I have nothing against the fine people of Canada.  It’s the Canadian government and their insistence on dumping spies like William Shatner and Justin Bieber on the great American entertainment industry.

Happy Canada Day to all of my Canadian supporters!  You will be happy to know that I am continuing to work to make sure Canadians can vote for me to be the leader of the Free World in next year’s elections.  Below are some greeting cards showing my support for Canadians:

No need to worry about an American exodus if I win the election!

The Capitals will win it next year. We won't riot if we won't because Washington is a classy city.

This won't be an issue once my health care plan is implemented.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

.

A message for the Canadian government - I'm watching you!

.

This is all I ask. (And William Shatner... And Celine Dion...)

July 1, 2011 Posted by | campaign, Canada, commentary, health care, humor, satire | , , , , | 2 Comments

It Sounded So Good

Canada Government Dissolved

I saw that headline and did a snoopy dance.  The thought of Canada no longer sending spies like William Shatner, Celine Dion, and Justin Bieber to taint the Great American Entertainment Industry was almost orgasmic.  I went to surf the web to make sure what I heard was correct.  It was… but it wasn’t.

It turns out that the Parliament was dissolved.  And “dissolved” in Canadian has a different meaning than in English.  All it means is that Parliament gets to go home and that there will be elections in May.  It is conceivable that after all is said and done that Stephen Harper will still be Prime Minister.

It is also possible that Canada will elect a new majority to Parliament and they will pick a Prime Minister who appreciates American entertainment and won’t send the next Anne Murray south of their border.  It is important that Canadians choose MPs that will not send spies to the Unites to cause even more damage.

I have heard rumors that one reason why Justin Bieber was sent here was because Gary Bettman is an American spy sent to destroy the NHL and hockey in general.  I believe this not the case.  While American-based teams have won every Stanley Cup since 1994, I doubt that Bettman is a spy.  He hasn’t done anything to help my Washington Capitals win a Cup.  The NHL’s woes are more likely because Bettman is incompetent than him being a spy.

Here’s to hoping Canada has a successful election and that Canada and the United States can have a healthy relationship without spying on each other.

March 26, 2011 Posted by | Ahmnodt, Canada, commentary, editorial, humor, politics, satire | , , , , , , | 4 Comments

An Apology to Canadians

My foreign policy is probably the most controversial part of my platform.  I know that many Canadians find me to be unpopular because of my insistence that I would have pulled the U.S. troops out of the Middle East and into Canada.  I have no qualms with the Canadian people, it is with the Canadian government.

Despite my foreign policy towards Canada, I would not have done something as inhumane as what the United States government has done to Canada – send President Barack Obama to your country for the G-20 S.  As an American, I feel the pain Canadians are going through.  I feel a special sorrow for Toronto Blue Jays fans.  They were deprived of three home games against the Philadelphia Phillies this weekend.  Those games will now be played in Philadelphia instead of Toronto.  I am not angered by this because this benefits a division rival.  I take that back, it bothers me greatly that the Phillies are getting three extra home games.

Once I am elected President, I will make sure that Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Lady Gaga never infiltrate your country.  All I ask is that Canada takes back William Shatner, Celine Dion, and Justin Bieber so America can once again have untainted entertainment.

On behalf of America throughout the United States and the military bases in the 150 countries we are occupying, please accept my apology.  We will take Barack Obama back by Sunday.

June 25, 2010 Posted by | campaign, Canada, commentary, editorial, humor, Obama, War | , , , , , | 2 Comments

%d bloggers like this: