Advice for Mitt Romney

It’s odd that I, a candidate for President of the United States, would give an opponent advice.  But after Mitt Romney bungled his foreign campaign trip, I can offer him some friendly advice.  There are only 98 days until Election Day and I doubt he will be doing any more campaigning overseas.  Below is some tidbits he can use abroad:

• Answer the media’s questions. – If you don’t talk to the media, the media will attack.  They will say that you are “out of touch” or that other candidates give out better donuts at press conferences.
• Find out the cultures of the countries you will visit and don’t step on their toes. –  People will frown on incidents like eating bacon at the Wailing Wall or saying “Erin go Bragh” at a bar in London.
• Mingle with the people. – You represent America more than most Americans because you are applying for leadership.  America has a bad image overseas except for cities after I have campaigned there.  The more likable America is, the less likely we will be attacked in the future.
• Refrain from bragging about America’s greatness.  America is a great country, but the first thing people will do after hearing that is ask, “If it’s a great country, why in the hell are you campaigning in my country?”.

Follow this advice in the future and you will have a more successful trip overseas.  The  people there will tweet the people here to vote for you.  (Unless they don’t have a Twitter account.)

I Do Not Understand Europeans

I have made a couple of trips to Europe over the last year and a half.  The primary purpose of these trips was to campaign.  While Europeans are not currently allowed to vote for the President of the United States, I had introduced a plan to the Europeans that would have allowed them to vote for the President because they live in the free world and everybody in the free world should be entitled to vote for the leader of the free world.

There hasn’t been much excitement for my proposal in Europe.  The only execptions were the British around London.  I have since learned that most of that enthusiasium came from drunken Tottenham Hotspurs fans who needed some cheering up following yet another loss.  A few devoted people were willing to help out in Liechtenstein, but other than those occasions, there has been no care.

I haven’t heard from any of my European supporters since I came back from Europe in March.  I should go to Europe again soon and set things straight with those people.

London – Making Progress

I had more success this time in London than on my last visit.  I quickly got my petition permit and headed to the spot I was at last year.  There were a lot more people there this time around.  A young lady told me that this place was popular because the CCTV cameras were broken following an incident just prior to my arrival.

I had the first fifty signatures within five minutes of my arrival.  Londoners seemed excited about the opportunity to elect the leader of the free world.  I told them that I was running for president.  Many people asked how I felt about surveillance cameras and they seemed pleased that I would only permit it on the hottest women.  I received the biggest round of applause in a long time when I told them that I would cease all wiretap operations.

By early afternoon, I had over 2,000 signatures.  I was heading to the American Embassy when I saw the same snotty woman who called security on me last year.  I decided instead to keep the signatures and mail them to the State Department when i get back home.  I hope that Hillary Clinton will be more receptive than Condolezza Rice was last year.

The Trip Begins

I am at my undisclosed hotel room in London.  Preparations are being made to get petitions for Londoners to sign to allow them to vote for President and have their vioces heard in who gets to be the leader of the free world.  Since London is considered part of the free world (despite the 4382 street cameras I counted between Heathrow Airport and the hotel I am staying at 2 miles away), it is only fair that they get to vote for the leader of the free world.

My London campaign manager is a man with a deep British accent.  I think he said his name is Goh Da’ell.  he must be part French.  He also said my “bassted” was bloody, but I don’t know what a bassted is and I couldn’t find blood anywhere on me.

It is almost midnight according to the alarm clock here.  It is only 7PM on my watch.  I will fix the alarm clock before I leave tomorrow.

Snag in the Campaign

I am hanging out at an Internet cafe in London.  I was going to go around the city trying to get signatures on a petition so that people in England can vote for the leader of the free world.  I had just finished getting signatures on the first page when the police approached me.Apparently in London, you need a permit to gather signatures.  I was told I had to go to City Hall and apply for a permit and that the permit would cost £25.   I found out that £25 is approximately $50.  I charged it on my credit card and applied for a petition permit.

About a half-hour later, I was given a permit along with a long list of places where I couldn’t go to have people sign the petition.  I asked where I could get people to sign and the clerk said there really aren’t too many places.

I spent a half-hour trying to find a place where I could find a place to have people sign a petition, but I couldn’t find any.  I manage to find the U.S. Embassy in my search.It took me a while to find the page of signatures I had filled out before I was stopped.   I took the page and approached the embassy.  I told the security person I had to talk to somebody about the American elections.  I was allowed to enter after going through the metal detector.I soon met a lady and gave her my petition.  She asked me what the petition was for.

“It’s a petition to allow Britons to vote for the leader of the free world..”

She replied, “The Constitution clearly states that only an American citizen can vote for U.S. President.”

“I would understand if the President was only the leader of the United States.  I feel since the President is the leader of the free world, then we should allow the free world to vote.”

She made a quick phone call.  A moment later, security came and escorted me out of the building.  It seems we don’t care about the rights of people not living in the United States to be heard.