Observations on Recent Events

I spent most of today trying to catch up on what has been happening in the news since Election Day.  I haven’t watched the news because I have been vacationing and I had custody of my daughter for most of the last week.  Below is my synopsis of some recent events:

• Colorado and Washington legalizing marijuana for recreational use –  I support this and on the surface this is good news.  There is bad news and I will explain that later.
• Petraeusgate – Former CIA Director David Petraeus resigned following a much-publicized sex scandal.  My campaign could use publicity like that.  I am not below admitting that I can use the sex.
• Israel vs. Hamas and the Palestinians – I have received heat for what I am about to say in the past, but it bears repeating.  The United States should not get involved in the conflict until the Canadian dilemma is settled.  Canadian spies like William Shatner, Celine Dion, and Justin Bieber infiltrating and sabotaging the Great American Entertainment Industry must be deported and American entertainment must be restored to its greatness.
• Hostess Closing Down – This is bad news on many levels.  I blame the marketing team for the folding of the company.  While it is easy to blame the management for being overpaid or the unions for wanting too much, I blame the marketing team for undervaluing their products.  I would have sold Twinkees at 40% higher than the suggested retail price.  They were at least that much better than Little Debbie’s.  Legalizing marijuana just isn’t the same withoout munching on Twinkees or Ho-Ho’s.

Tonight is my last night in Virginia Beach.  I head to my parents’ home in Washington, DC tomorrow for Thanksgiving week and head home Friday afternoon.

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Leading by Example

If there’s one thing Americans hate more than anything, it’s a hypocrite.  We are tired of people preaching to be faithful only to get caught cheating on their spouses.  We frown on people who tell us to conserve electricity only to have them run electric bills over $1,000 per month.  We also don’t want people telling us that the only way to have peace is through a never-ending war.

I don’t suggest people do anything unless I do it myself.  It might be an ego thing, but I think my advice is so good, I lead by example.  Below are just a few examples:

• Living a Green lifestyle – I think I champion a green lifestyle.  My house is green, my car is green, some of my clothes are green, and the carpeting in my house is green.  I even have green food coloring so my food can be green.
• Women’s Rights – I have never told a woman how to clean my house or what cleaning materials she should use.  I like strong independent women who don’t need me to tell them which brand of cleaner to use in scrubbing my toilet.
• Drugs – I do not tell others not to use any drugs that I have tried.  You will never hear me preach against the use of marijuana, cocaine, glue, or Tylenol.  While I haven’t used marijuana, cocaine. or Tylenol since I was 20, I just don’t sound credible telling others not to do it if I have tried it myself.
• Fiscal conservatism – Here is where I separate myself from those who claim to be fiscally conservative.  I am not spending any money for my campaign.  This means that I am not raising money for my campaign.  I am so frugal spending that I didn’t bother to file with the Federal Election Commission (FEC) because I didn’t want to pay a filing fee.  That is why my campaign is a write-in campaign.  Why would people raise and spend $70,000,000 for a $400,000 per year job?

Americans have lost faith in their leaders because few of them lead by example.  I always lead by example and practice what I preach.  This is why I am asking for your vote on November 6, 2012.

How I Would Solve the Israeli – Palestinian Mess

Israel and Palestine have been going at it since I was a kid.  There have been moments of truces only to end up with both sides fighting again.  My solution is two-fold:  Bomb Israel, Gaza, and the West Bank with reefer bombs and to set up falafel and kabob stands near the bombed areas.

Marijuana puts the mind at ease.  People aren’t in the mood to fight when they are stoned.  Marijuana also causes the munchies.  If America ran the falafel and kabob stands I mentioned earlier, then we will be able to pay for the reefer bombings without using taxpayers’ dollars.

A well-fed and stoned people is a happy and peaceful people.  This will bring peace to the Middle East.

First Campaign Snafu of 2009

I did not plan on doing any campaigning this weekend.  It’s a holiday weekend and it’s a slow week in Washington.  I was getting set to watch the Sugar Bowl between Utah and Alabama when the phone rang.  A woman called and she was hysterical because the clown she hired for her son’s birthday called at the last minute and said he couldn’t make it to the party.  I think she had the wrong number, but I couldn’t disappoint her or the kids who wanted to be entertained.

I arrived at the party after a 45-minute drive.  The children were getting restless.  I gathered the children around and told them about my education platform.  I even took the time to teach them how to safely roll marijuana while driving.  The birthday boy’s mother soon told me to leave.  She claimed the information I was presenting was not appropriate for children.

This is what is wrong with America.  Parents say they want their children to learn, but when they are taught knowledge they can actually use, parents get bent out of shape.  Don’t get me wrong, I am glad I had the chance to dissect a frog in Home Economics class.  But that knowledge hasn’t applied in my every day life.

We are going to have to let the children learn the stuff we don’t want them to learn.  Otherwise, they will end up as stupid as we are.

Back in Louisville

My court appearance is tomorrow morning.  I found an attorney who said that I will probably pay a fine and get two years probation.  I suppose I could  live with that.  It could have been a lot worse.

I heard a story of a police officer who had to be rushed to the hospital after eating a brownie that he and his wife made.  Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t eat the brownie I bought in the park last time I was here.

Insider Training Tip

If I become president, I would invest heavily in Frito-Lay.   That is because if I win, I would sign an executive order legalizing marijuana.  I would also pardon people whose only crime was carrying pot.

By making marijuana legal, people would get the munchies.  Doritos will fly off the shelf, causing Frito-Lay to increase production.  All of a sudden, Frito-Lay will be a good investment.